This cop is parked illegally behind me with his lights on, I’m going to say something.
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“Goodnight, don’t look at your phone too long”
“I won’t”2am on Wikipedia: “So *that’s* how they make bowling balls…”
Sorry I can’t come to your party, I already made other plans after you invited me.
I call my nephews “Dude” and “Homie” because I’m the cool Aunt! (I don’t know their names.)
Don’t throw away leftovers! Put them in the fridge for a week to justify it first
*holds pen ready*
“How many zeros in one million?”
“Six”
“Ok, thanks”
*writes milli000000n*
Does the acting in porn have to be THAT bad? I’m not looking for any Meryl Streep performances, but c’mon.
Me: You’re leaving me again?
Her: (packing)
Me: Is it because I mix up the suffixes for ordinal numbers?
Her: (walking downstairs)
Me: ..my misuse of common sayings?
Her: (opening door)
Me: Come on, one more chance!
Her: (car starting)
Me, yelling: 5rd time’s a charm!
Might see you guys in 15-25yrs. Weekend with my folks & it’s only a matter of time before I snap.
I’m dangerous, baby. Like egg salad that has been sitting out in the sun.
*”accidentally” drops my gym membership card from my wallet in front of a cute girl*
Me: Oh gee, I seem to have dr—
*300 fast-food coupons flutter to the ground following it*
My cat: *standing on my chest to block my computer screen, pressing his nose to mine & staring deeply into my eyes*
Me: Well. Hi.
My cat: You’re very clingy.
I’m speeding because I have to get there before I forget where I’m going.
I’m so incapable of accepting a compliment that I’ve started just flat out refusing them.
Them: You look lovely today.
Me: No thank you.
LinkedIn: where you desperately hope that one idiot you had a drink with six years ago can somehow help get you a job.
Elmo: Elmo says this just him coping
Oscar: I don’t care, it’s morbid and- oh hey Bert
Bert: Ahem *nods to jar under arm*
Oscar: Hey Urn-ie
Therapist: Do you think it’s ok to cry?
Me: Sure. Like if you have to go to Costco on a Saturday.
I tossed and turned so much last night that I woke up with an ab.
Woke up in a graveyard. Never felt more alive.
hitler’s mom: WHY DO ALL THESE TIME TRAVELERS KEEP TRYING TO KILL MY BABY???
A body cam but for when you send your husband to the grocery store
*stepping on the moon’s surface wearing socks* Oh god dammit
when my brother was at the height of his teenage boy gym phase he used to get a rotisserie chicken and sit out the front of the house sharing it with like 4 different cats and the neighbours dog. was actually very beautiful
Make friends at the park by telling strangers that you died in this exact spot 200 years ago today
BRIAN MAY: It was an accident. Let’s dump the body and split, we’ll meet up again this time tomorrow. Remember, no one can know about this. Can’t tell your friends, can’t tell your wives. You can’t even tell your own mamas. Understood?
FREDDIE MERCURY: (already humming) got it
A child will either wear a band-aid for 7 minutes or for two years.
Me: *stuffing a ham into my pillow*
Wife: what are you doing
Me: it’s in case someone tries to stuff a ham into my pillow, they’ll be like “ah damn”
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
*Game Character Treatment Center*
Counselor: Okay new faces, please tell us why you’re here
Pac-Man: Binge eating
Lara Croft: Kleptomania
Ryu: *crying* I can’t stop fighting streets
I wear lipstick when I go into Walmart so people know I’m not approachable or one of their kind