This cop is parked illegally behind me with his lights on, I’m going to say something.
You Might Also Like
Woke up at 3am because I fell asleep in a recliner and my spouse went to bed and just left me there. So I crawled to bed and arranged the pillows to really constrict my airflow to make sure I snored the rest of the night.
i would drive twenty miles away to save eight cents a gallon on gas which is why my wife is in charge of our household finances
me: I wish I knew how to make you less angry
her: you could start by just listening to me once in a-
me: I mean I’ll do anything
her: I just said you can lis-
me: anything at all
The Church of England rejected female bishops. How can women’s rights expect to move forward if they’re not even allowed to move diagonally?
Neighbor: I don’t drink coffee it makes your teeth all yellow.
Me: Throws holy water in her face.
*Neighbor melts
Me: Not today Satan.
mountain lion attacks are on the rise. especially in california. be prepared!
Trust me, your laptop is dishwasher safe
[shaving legs] hang on, these aren’t mine
ME: Is this Babies R Us
CASHIER: Yes
ME: No babies work here
C: I know
ME: It should be called Babies Were US
C: …
ME: Get me your manager
How and why my FUR ROOM exists
My 7yo said if she ever gets married she wants to have a pajama-themed wedding, and I feel like my parenting has come to fruition.
You can’t mix skeleton and hellhound armies because the hellhounds will just bury the skeleton soldiers for later.
Him: There’s something special about you.
Me: Some people tell me I smell like stinky cheese.
*His eyes glaze over* I love stinky cheese.
eating mac and cheese in 64 bites is called mine kraft
We lay under the maple tree, the evening sun casting a warm glow on our faces. Turning to me, she said-
“Please stop narrating everything.”
I just got an email about a ‘remarkable women contest’ and my head got a little big before the next line hit me with, “Do you know any”
I think Tuesdays are worse than Mondays.
You can’t use “It’s Monday” as an excuse.
I’m so committed to pizza that I’ve stopped wearing a condom when I eat it.
me: it’s tough coming back into the office huh?
them: you don’t work here
me: i know it was really tough getting past security
replace the chair in the Oval Office w/slightly bigger chair every day for next 4 yrs til trump looks tiny + his feet don’t touch the ground
Monkeypox is sexually transmitted, making me absolutely immune.
My kid: I’ll look
Me: No, no one is going to look
Target Employee: Why don’t you take a look at our new collection of home decor? It’s so beautif-
Me: *blindly flailing a knife from under the blanket covering our heads and cart* I’M ONLY HERE FOR LAUNDRY SOAP, DEMON
biblically accurate fire hydrant
I have many caverns
Me [as a child]: The Easter Bunny IS real. I will end your lies!
[steps on a crack, nothing happens]
[starts stomping on the crack]HAS MY ENTIRE LIFE BEEN A LIE??
My mom: [sighs]
I think as Canadians we’re so nice because we focus all our hatred on geese
Remember: if you see a tie on my doorknob, it means I’m taking the door to prom
shampoo bottle: Contains No Parabens!
me (has no idea what that is or means): good.
there are 2 wolves inside me, but please no one tell my landlord
When I’m in a bathroom stall, please don’t yell “Oh my God oh my God there’s a guy in here!” Respect my privacy.