this cop wants me to walk the line, does he mean the wavy one or the blurry one
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everyone telling you that you’re beautiful on the Internet is an escaped convict.
FOOL people into thinking you’re a time traveller by angrily demanding what year it is
My dad’s handwriting makes a pharmacist look like a calligrapher.
Week three of my new job, they’re all cunts.
There’s a weekly team call at 9am every Monday, what’s wrong with these people???
Yoou can lead a horse to water but you need a seahorse to continue your journey
Neighborhood so sketchy, Santa removes the reins from his sleigh and carries them in with him.
I just learned that Howler monkeys urinate on their hands and feet to find their way back home, and yet it still sounds more comfortable and effective than Apple maps
I sent my wife a card that said, “I DON’T LIKE ANY OF THE BABIES YOU’VE MADE.”
Obama’s gonna take all your decorative soaps.
guy: you wanna take this outside?
me: yeah, let’s do this
[we take the raspberry lemonade out back and have a simply lovely afternoon]
1 margarita: I tell you I love your hair.
2 margaritas: We take a selfie.
3 margaritas: I convince you that your apartment is haunted.
If you want to see a true tyrant in action, put one of your kids in charge of the other ones.
[First day as a hostage negotiator] So whatchu wearing?
Me: Did you look in your purse?
Her: OF COURSE I LOOKED IN MY PURSE, I’M NOT AN IDIOT!
Me:
Her: [looking in purse] You’re not going to believe this…
When tragedy strikes your community, McDonald’s will still be there to take your money.
me: so hear me out, the musical cats but it’s frogs
boss: you remember getting fired yesterday right
And this song would come on and all the white people would start having a group seizure.
Me explaining the Harlem shake to my grand kids.
How enormous was the spider I just found in my bathtub? It put down its Kindle, grabbed a nearby towel, and muttered, “Does nobody in this house knock?”
Merlin: What now?
Lawyer: I’d advise you to turn yourself in to the police
Officer Merlin: Ok, and now?
I said goodbye to everyone at a party and then mistakenly walked into a closet and was too embarrassed to walk back out so I live here now.
We need to overthrow that Tyrannosaurus Rex and democratically elect a Presidentosaurus Rex
I had a boyfriend once….right up until the moment my dad asked him “so what do you do?” and he replied your daughter.
He’s Dead.
ME: [repeatedly trying, and failing, to film a successful water bottle flip]
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: experts project extinction for this species
he literally just said, “everyone’s saying i won the debate.”
is it possible…hear me out…trump has an imaginary friend named Everyone?
Me [driving to Chipotle on a first date]: There’s this great little burrito place I discovered
My boss used to call me “the computer”. Nothing to do with intelligence. I go to sleep if left unattended for 15 minutes.
Mike Pence has a strong resume, including Governor of Indiana and Shawshank Prison Guard. #VPDebate
Does this extra layer of cream cheese icing make my bundt look big?
Body: we’re exhausted. We’re going to fall asleep so easily.
Brain: you adorable idiot.