Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

(trying to indicate to my partner that i would like another beer if theyre getting up, but using only skills i learned from point and click adventure games) wow, i could really go a beer right now. maybe some beer would help in this situation. i think there’s some beer over there

I’ve decided that my go to from now on will be

“Sorry my house is a mess my husband is out of town”

They don’t need to know that it’s like this no matter what.

Ya remember when arguing with people on the internet was fun?

Yea. Me nether.

DO GUYS EVEN KNOW HOW TO BE GENTLEMEN ANYMORE?
Open doors for her
Carry her bags
Pull out a chair for her
Place your expensive jacket over mud puddles
Punch out her other suitors
Hang her father from his ankles so he knows who’s Daddy now
Hire hit-men on her exes
Buy her flowers

So, you had unprotected sex with a Robot, what now?!

Taught my 6 yo nephew that he should say “calm down Karen” whenever his mom is mad at him. Now we wait for my sister Stacy to call

I love having a bowl for my keys by the door, it’s really helpful to have one less place to look for them

the fbi, studying my kidnapper’s proof of life photo of me, notice a morse code message of mustard stains across the front of my shirt that says: ‘we’re out of mustard’

I no longer need an alarm clock because I’m over 40 and have a bladder.

My dog: I need to go out
Me: it’s raining
Dog: out NOW
M: Okay but it’s raining
Dog: *walks outside* oh shit, it’s raining

I sleep with a bat under my bed in case someone breaks in and wants to learn about echolocation

When life hands you lemons, help me throw them at the kids on my lawn.

MEDICAL EXAMINER: According to the autopsy, the victim did not actually know karate
MY GHOST: noooooooo

Just so we’re all clear: NASA is getting a direct feed from a robot on Mars, but I still can’t make a cell phone call from my basement.

my parents support me pursuing comedy but they also think the big bang theory is peak comedy so i might be doomed

Me: *climbing down* The best revenge is living in a well.

Friend: That’s not the saying!

Me: *shouting up* You’ll all be sorry!

Someone on the radio said Britain will remain calm about the Coronavirus.
People phoned the police when KFC ran out of chicken

My lawyer said I broke the record for how many times the word mayonnaise was used in a will at 13 times. The previous record was zero.

I cleaned the door glass and one of the dogs is barking at his reflection. That tells you how filthy the windows were.

Stop right there babe, you need permission to enter the pillow fort.

Boy are you an automatic faucet? Just a slight hand movement and you’re spraying all over me.

I asked my daughter to make me a Pinterest board of what she’d like to redecorate her room and I just opened it up to see nothing but a bunch of pictures of people holding fistfuls of cash

[Arby’s]

Me: This horsey sauce barely tastes like horse at all

Mgr: *adding horse shavings* Tell me when

One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest is my favorite book about Twitter

Mom: why are your eyes dilated

Me: your eyes dilate up to 45% when you look at something you love

Mom: what were you looking at

Me: memes

When the person ahead of you joins the rewards program, you should get 10% off just for waiting.

I have never been eaten by a tiger. If you want advice on how not to be eaten by a tiger, just ask.

Please note: advice may not work if you are near a tiger.

People who argue in public, would it kill you to enunciate and give a little backstory?

When I see how idiotic people can be, I get jealous of Darth Vader’s force choke ability in those exact moments.

If you see something, say something.

My dog: i got this