Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Being a little bit crazy is like being a little bit pregnant – you can only hide it for so long.

If somebody at a party tells you they’re a writer, get excited, hold up the nearest book, and ask, wide-eyed, “DID YOU WRITE THIS?”

Me: isn’t it interesting that the Sirens of mythology lured people to their deaths but now sirens are used to save people’s lives?

Ambulance driver: how do you keep getting in here?

*sets up tent*
*unrolls sleeping bag*
*tosses down like fourteen decorative pillows*

Waitress: Umm…
Me: I’ll have the endless chips and salsa.
Waitress: But you can’t–
Me: –I LIVE HERE NOW

I read that you should treat every night with your wife like your first date so after the movie tonight I’m dropping her off at her parents

I msgd him and he hasn’t msgd back. He was obviously so excited I msgd that he fainted.

deleting dating apps because i want to meet someone the old fashioned way (riding an unsinkable luxury ship right into an iceberg)

I just heated up a delicious chocolate brownie and put some ice cream on top of it & sat on the couch to enjoy it.

Seconds later, Catherine asked Samuel if he’d like a bite on MY brownie.

I faked a smile and gave him a bite.

Soon after, she asked him AGAIN.

I have no wife.

I made some fish tacos today…

But they just ignored them and swam away…

just got a JetBlue email saying i can fly the plane if i book now

Normal people flirting: Hey you’re cute we should go out sometime

Me flirting: So do you like bread

3yo told me to watch her show, sat me on the living room couch, asked if I’d like a drink, brought me a fake glass of wine, said “the show is about to begin,” hid in the wings, then returned and whispered discretely that my children were not behaving and I’d have to leave.

Hold that thought while I slip into something more comfortable.

*moves to Fiji*

Them: “Live in the moment!”

Me: “HAVE YOU SEEN THIS MOMENT?”

Me: Got my finger stuck in this beer bottle.
Wife: How?!
M: Just help me.
W: Have you tried butter?
M: It’s delicious. Now will you help me?

Kissing someone mid sentence is only cute in movies. I will press my hand against your face and slowly push it way until I’m done talking.

Does anybody know what day Easter falls on this year?

waiter: do you want me to bring you some boxes

me: what’s in them?

[Luxury hotel planning meeting]

Fluffy pillows?
Absolutely.

Soft towels?
Definitely.

Quality toilet paper?
Sandpaper is fine.

[armed robbery]

gf: pls babe he has a gun, this isn’t the time to mess around, just call the cops

me: no. *pulls out deck of yu-gi-oh cards* i have to trust the heart of the cards

robber: you should’ve listened to your little girlfriend, kid
*pulls a deck out of his gun*

A Roman walks into a bar and raises 2 fingers and says to the bartender…

“Five beers, please.”

she think she can manipulate me wit them crystals, girl u is not Thanos

him: I got a new tattoo

me: what is it

him (lifting his shirt): it’s a replica of my thermos from work

me (leaning in to feel it): does it hurt

him: don’t you dare touch the thermos tat

and that how I knew he would make an excellent dad

what

Not to brag but my son’s friend said “Your dad looks hot” when I was cleaning the pool. She followed with “Is that heat stroke?” but still.

Husband: How’s your diet going?

Me: *scraping cheese off his burger wrapper with my teeth* Fine.

Me: Hey, do you want to go buy some-

Wife: YES!

this is the most humiliating day of my life

I have a special place in my heart. For blood and vessels and stuff.

I was having a good day until my imaginary friend stole my coloring book & crayons & he demands $100 for their return.
What a stressful day!