This could be the Alcohol talking but….
OMG you guys! The ALCOHOL is TALKING!
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They call cat people crazy but we’re not the ones outside at 5AM every morning putting fresh dog poop into tiny baggies.
[in a club]
ME: have you seen my moves?
HER: no
ME: *shows her photographs of my last four apartments*
Hear me out…
A leaf blower, but for people.
If at first you don’t secede, try, try again.
~ Theresa May
Decorated the house across the street so I can look out the window and enjoy my handiwork.
[ouija board]
Who are you?
*board begins spelling*
G-R-E-E-N–M-A-R-I-O
What the — a Luigi Board?!
W-A-H-O-O–I-T-S-A–M-E
Being in my twenties in the seventies was a lot better than being in my seventies in the twenties.
Bro,I seriously locked myself outta my jeep.
He was driving a top-less jeep with the windows down.
і wіsh you could doordash people knuckle sandwіches
The world: ok so we are all doing metric and it’s going to work perfectly.
USA: …
World: right?
USA: …
World: RIGHT?
USA: *whispers* I’m really into feet you guys
[Turning a carved Halloween pumpkin around so it’s now a Thanksgiving pumpkin] “haha suck it, Martha Stewart”
Want to get noticed? Go jogging without moving your arms.
For someone who hates the circus, I sure have dated a lot of clowns.
Men are like my peloton – I always think going for a ride is a good idea and then 5 mins in I’m sweating profusely and questioning everything
13 Types of Regret You’ll Experience After Clicking on a Link to an Article That Won’t Live Up to its Exaggerated Headline
I just found a Macklemore CD in a Thrift Shop and the Universe imploded.
[at movie theatre]
Wife: Shhhhhhhhhhh
Son: …
Daughter: …
Me (whispers): …it
[inventing jogging]
how can I suffer but with music
Tuesday
I went to a wildlife rehabilitation center today and none of the animals were still doing drugs. A massive success!
dunno what the best part of this is? being called ‘jack sexty’ or getting an award for shitting on exercise equipment
It took me 13 years but I finally deleted most of my e-mails.
COWORKER RECENTLY OUT OF THE HOSPITAL: i blew a tire on a mountain road and crashed thru the guardrail, rolling end over end down a cliff into a creek. i was trapped for hours upside-down & near death until a man walking his dog found me and called 911
ME: what kind of dog was it
i’m convinced the only british slang words you’ll ever need in life are tickety-boo & throwing a wobbly
Did you know when someone annoys you it takes 42 muscles to frown but only 4 to extend your arm and punch them in the face.
When I die I want to come back as a ghost to haunt my adult children’s houses, just passive-aggressively turning off lights they’ve left on and pointedly moving their shoes to the shoe cabinet, just heavily sighing the whole time
Me: *looking through a telescope*: Wow, the universe is so beautiful
God: *placing hands inside black holes*: Thanksssss, it has pockets
Girl, are you a glass of water because I think you’re about to throw yourself at me.