This could be the Alcohol talking but….
OMG you guys! The ALCOHOL is TALKING!
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Boss: I’ve been told one of you is just a robot car in disguise
*everyone stares at me, even Optimus who is drinking oil instead of coffee*
4 can’t go to sleep tonight because she’s “too short to sleep” and I honestly don’t even know how to address this new level of sleep delay mastery.
If Sherlock is such a great detective why does it take him 90min to solve a crime when CSI detectives do it in an hour minus commercials??
When I can no longer read the chart at the optometrist I just start spelling 4-letter words.
When an employer says they’re offering competitive salary I assume we’re all gonna assemble in the breakroom for medieval combat.
That’s me at the corner, that’s me at the stoplight choosing no collision
-Michael Stipe selling auto insurance
ME: If you married the Kool-Aid Man, you’d need an umbrella because when he leaned down to kiss you at the wedding, he’d spill red Kool-Aid all over you & it would be like that scene in the movie Carrie
THERAPIST: And you want to discuss this for another session?
ME: Oh yeah
When you’re over 40 and a part of your body starts hurting for no reason that is nature sending a “what ya doing?” text.
Crunching numbers would be a lot more fun if they made little potato chip sounds after each equation.
btw the stereotype of americans i have run into the most so far in europe is that americans work themselves to death for nothing
mousepads sound like groovy places for hip mice
Me: On today’s episode of Inside the Actor’s Studio….apartment….
Ryan Reynolds: How did you get in here?
Instagram’s down? What am I supposed to do with my cat? Stroke it?
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘mnemonic’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Memory Needs Every Method Of Nurturing Its Capacity
*shitting pants, crying, missing my shoe*
yoga instructor: you need to leave
me: oh is this not child’s pose?
Cop: License and registration
Me: Sure. *opens glove compartment; twenty eight packs of expired ketchup, three pairs of sunglasses and the Crown Jewels of Ireland fall out* Sorry. Just a sec
i’m left-handed but sometimes i like to switch hands and do things with my right hand just to see what it’s like to work like a robot
You never realize how many curse words are in a song till you play it for your family
*person walks past me minding his business and not bothering me in any way*
“What’s this idiot doing?”
I went on a date last night!
It went really well…up until the moment the couple realized I was following them & promptly called the cops.
Chicks like it when you let out a loud “AWOOGA” when you see her naked
EXECUTIVE: this ones not about murder is it
STEPHEN KING: its about children
E: ok
SK: in corn
E: thats nice
SK:who murder
E: dammit Stephen
“I thought it might be nice to go round the room and say a bit about ourselves”
Oh dear you thought wrong.
Whenever I lose my mind, I always look
for it in the refrigerator first
Paris Hilton is worried ISIS will target her because she’s famous. Paris Hilton doesn’t realize that ISIS didn’t exist in 2004.
My body is a wonderland. But that weird one Alice fell into.
Nobody:
The Sun: I’m gonna make your underwear turn into a damp rolled up towel so you walk like you just rode a horse
[penguin waddles into computer repair store]
“Hi yes my laptop is frozen”
…
Computer repair guy – “how did you get to Milwaukee”