All carpentry tool names were created by someone in desperate need of sex.
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[Rome]
CENTURION: please state your date of birth
CITIZEN: May I
CENTURION: yes
CITIZEN:
CENTURION:
CITIZEN:
CENTURION: when is it tho
There should be a horror movie where an item associated with childhood innocence is unexpectedly evil
Welcome to your 40s.
You remember your home phone number from when you were 11 but you can’t remember why you came upstairs.
“No points, illegal kick to the face.”
“But I’m the hero of this movie.”
“Fair enough, here’s your trophy.”
-The Karate Kid
[helping son prepare for first date]
“what if she doesn’t like it”
*stuffing handkerchiefs up son’s sleeve* be confident in your magic, son
If the Earth was really flat, all the cats would have pushed everything off it by now.
I’ve hit rock bottom so many times, I’m building a second home there.
oh nowwww everyone wanna know what introverts do for fun
Me: You were supposed to be cleaning up your room before bed.
9: I want a hug
Me: I’ll never say no to hugs, but your timing is very suspicious.
Filming myself playing the violin like it’s a cello to catfish the giant community
It’s a real dilemma for me when I’m confronted with a moral issue that wasn’t examined by the writers of the original Star Trek.
The cheese grader saw me walk in the house with a bag of shredded cheddar and shit got real awkward.
I put the “rad” into “gradual descent into madness”
If you are ever a dog, just refuse to eat for like two days, and after that, your person will be so happy you are eating, you will get as much chicken as you like
[After 2 hours of explaining a complicated board game]
Ok, let’s just play and I’ll explain as we go.
Old MacDonald had a walkie talkie, Echo India Echo India Oscar.
RACIST: im a racist!
ME: uh oh
RACIST: yea I race cars!
ME: oh. I dont think u know what racist means
RACIST: & I hate Jews!
ME: there it is
Pros of hiring me as a vet:
– Hard-working
– Experienced
– Reasonable pricesCons:
– Have been dubbed “The Horse Murderer” by the press
Is it fall yet? I really can’t suck my stomach in much longer.
If you love someone:
1. Set them free
2. Drunk dial them
3. Read too much into their FB posts
4. Make them feel sorry for you
5. Die alone
peacock: how’d the date go?
me: not so well
peacock: you show her your tail?
me: no i-
peacock: well there’s your problem dumbshit
Keen silence from a dinner guest as she looks across the living room and realizes I made her bridesmaid dress into a dog bed.
If you die during a game of Duck Duck Goose, you become a victim of fowl play.
I’m rubber. You’re glue.
I don’t conduct low voltage electricity. You’re great for arts & crafts.
FUN FACT: baby penguins fit perfectly into a T-shirt cannon.
6-year-old: *shows off her new fancy pen*
Me: That’s so nice. Who gave you that?
6: My boyfriend.
Me: Give it back.
me: they recommend to relieve stress to walk away from your desk to take a walk
boss: ok but you’ve been gone for 4 days
Have kids so there’s always someone around to hand you trash
Sitting in my backyard is just yelling over the fence at the neighbor kids letting them know my son isn’t home yet.