This could be the whiskey talking but I don’t think I should be jury foreman.
You Might Also Like
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog:
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
“Damnit!”
-a burglar, discovering yet another drawer filled with dead batteries, take-out menus, and pen caps.
Drunk yoga, but it’s me trying to get the last drop out of my boxed wine.
Calm down white moms on dish detergent commercials, no wife is EVER that excited about dishes. Ever.
No one makes eye contact in a restroom after being “loud” in a stall.
Women because they’re embarrassed
Men because they’ll start laughing
Guantanamo Bae
Welcome to Psychic Abilities 101.
Today’s class was just rescheduled for tomorrow. If you’re here now, you failed.
Back from my bike ride and I feel fit as a fiddle … the fiddle, ya know, that most athletic of instruments…
me at 14: can’t wait to travel the whole world once i’m earning my own money
me now: mustn’t forget that tupperware at work, it’s my only one
If you made her sweat, sweat till she can’t sweat no more, perhaps you should have taken a water break. Dehydration is dangerous.
My daughter just said it’s cold outside so she’s going to wear “a long sleeve shirt and long sleeve shorts.” Pants. She’s going to wear pants.
Canada has crack?
Just know that if I go up to the hand sanitizer machine and it doesn’t dispense anything, I’m still running my hands together. 🙏🏼
A friend and I just decided that in 10 years if we aren’t married we will tell each other what’s honestly wrong about ourselves.
People think doing meth makes you lose weight but actually it’s the climbing buildings and ripping out the plumbing
I’m guessing the apple from the Apple logo tasted like shit.
Ocean’s 45:
The group gets bigger each heist
It’s too hard to keep secrets
Someone posts the next plan on Facebook
Everyone goes to jail
Teens be like, “You know that crumbled up piece of paper that’s been on the table all week? I need it for school.”
Co-worker’s hair looks like he cut the wrong wire.
Due to an unfortunate miscommunication with the printer, I am currently selling “Proudly Pro-Lice” bumper stickers at a steep discount.
My kid’s school asked them to get a family relic for school “show and tell”. He asked what’s a relic and they said ancient things. So he asked me to give him anything I had from my childhood.
You say “leftover bacon” like I’m supposed to know what that is…
“Are you making the aquarium pets fight again?”
“NO,” I exclaim, quickly putting Octopus Prime and MegaPrawn back into the tank.
#IStartedLaughingWhen I found out WHY my phone storage was full..
#WhenIMisspelled ya know.
Even my imaginary friend got bored and left me a note saying ‘we should see other people’
I’m pretty sure my little brother exists only because I got too old to be my mama’s remote control.
Hot woman *points at my empty glass* hey, want another?
Me: Why would I want another empty glass?
[later]
Me *stops brushing teeth* hang on
making up a lame excuse to bail on plans
– transparent
– not cool dude
– you always do this“i can’t go… because of the curse”
– woah
– sounds serious
– not gonna ask too many questions
– i’ll just cancel next week’s plans too, hope u get this thing sorted out