This could be us but you eatin’
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Jaws (1975): A shark is murdered on his vacation.
friend: they say pennywise takes form of your greatest fear
[later]
tv: the big bang theory marathon starts now!
me: holy shit it’s him
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
I think my leftovers are old enough to throw themselves away.
Random person outside of Target: is it ok if I pray for you?
Me: sure! While you’re at it can you pray they never find the knife and blood soaked clothes I buried? Kthanks!
[slides note under neighbor’s door]
reboot your wifi
Diet tip: If you think you’re hungry, you might just be thirsty. Have a bottle of wine first and then see how you feel.
Anime is real
Bad Cop: The proof is in the pudding.
Good Cop: Stop putting all our evidence in pudding. Why do you keep putting our evidence in pudding?
My 7yo was asked what he loves most about his parents:
Mommy is cuddly, likes to dance, and makes yummy cookies.
Daddy is the only one in the family with hair on his face.
Million dollar idea: a shirt made out of eyeglass cleaning cloth
if coconuts give us coconut milk AND coconut water then why do we only have cow milk. where is the cow water
to get your prison name, take your favorite weapon and then murder someone.
Studies show that, on average, humans kept in cubicles live just as long as free-range humans.
[police questioning a friend about my murder]
Police: Did he have any enemies
Friend: Boy did he ever
Me: Whatcha got there? Oh, I see the garbage pail kids are making a comeback for Christmas this year.
Neighbor: This is my nephew.
Marriages are like pancakes. Sometimes you gotta throw the first one out
Did you know you can gain 20 pounds in 2 months, but it takes 3257 days to lose 5 pounds?
[car dealership]
“Why is some guy out there screaming insults at all the vehicles?”*Sees sign PRE-OWNED CARS*
“Oh.”
I don’t care what nutritionists tell you- tortilla chips ARE a meal. It has everything your body needs:
1.) Tortilla chips
I don’t sit crossed legged to be classy, I’m holding my tampon in
Yelling at me for warming towels in the oven is not going to get the fire department here any faster.
I could compete in the Olympics, I just need to run or swim faster. I think it would be easy to do
Every time I look into baby carriages, there’s always an INFANT inside and never a very small, old-timey gangster smoking a cigar.
Disappointing.
[Boss stands at my desk] Can I see you in my office?
[I stare curiously] You can see me here, right?
Lionel Richie: You are the sun, you are the rain
The Sun: What’s his deal?
The Rain: Weird
The Ceiling: You guys don’t even know
If I check out your blog, what will you do for me? Love me? Ok fine, but you’re telling my mom we’re going out.
Rededicate Christopher Columbus statues to the Chris Columbus who directed Mrs. Doubtfire
anyway today a woman tried to throw change on the counter after exclaiming to me “i don’t know how to count.” i said “no problem” and when i reached to do it for her, all i saw was rocks. i said “oh. these are rocks.” she said “oh. wrong pocket”
“My wife keeps mistaking me for Alice in Wonderland characters.”
“Are you mad at her?”
“Oh god, not you too”.