My son curses like I make love. He has no idea how to do it and someone usually yells at him and tells him to stop before he’s finished.
You Might Also Like
I’m gonna keep wearing a mask after this pandemic is over. I can’t go back to worrying about how my breath smells like Doritos and garlic and coffee.
According to this box of spaghetti I am an Italian family of 8
I just wished a Bride-to-be good luck on her first marriage.
She didn’t seem to appreciate my sincerity.
sitcoms would be a lot more believable if they had 5 loads of laundry waiting to be folded on the sofa
When I was 8, my best friend & I had a big fight. The next week his family moved away. Dave, if you’re reading this, I still hate your guts.
Yo mama so fat she plays Temple Walk.
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: OWNER IS CATCHIN POKEMON
DOG 911: So
DOG: HE’S THROWING BALLS BUT I CAN’T FIND THEM
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
[job interview]
“What would you say is your greatest strength?I’m pretty humble. Actually, I’m incredibly humble. Amaaaaazingly humble.
How to apply mascara:
Pull wand from tube
Open your eyes like a haunted doll coming to life
6: I hate corona virus!
Me: When it’s over you’ll have to wake up early to get to school on time.
6: I DON’T WANT IT TO BE OVER!
My young nephew said that people with glasses should only be able to marry other people with glasses. He’s like a tiny Republican senator.
me: hello darkness my old friend
darkness: friend is a strong word
Me: Well, today sucked.
Him: It’s 9 AM.
Me: I can’t work today. There’s a huge ball of fire emitting deadly radiation.Boss: You can’t skip work because it’s sunny.
*Takes one bite from every item in the work refrigerator*
Here’s my thread about the spiders I’ve taken outside
– tonight was Bruce. He was medium sized and fast, but cooperated well 4/5 stars
“Dayyuuuum Giiiiirrrl… Did you fall from Heaven?”
*pokes body with stick*
IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE, NOT CHRISTMAS STEVE!!
So, it turns out “hey, check out this rash” isn’t a great pick-up line.
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
Uh oh…
Tried a sample of rosemary mint body wash today and now I smell like a very clean roast chicken.
My husband just asked if I want to go hiking for our anniversary.
I think he’s planning on pushing me off a cliff.
“What race was the guy?” – a question you’ll never have to ask my uncle during a story.
team rocket: that boy’s pikachu is special
meowth: hey
team rocket: we need it
meowth: im literally the only pokemon who can talk
team rocket: that pikachu is so unique no other pokemon will do
Meowth: guys
team rocket: only that pikachu is deserving of love
If I was a microplastic I would simply not go in the ocean or anyone’s mouth.
BEAR JESUS: *Emerges from cave after 3 days*
EVERYONE ELSE: This… this is not as impressive.
Me: *drops toddler off at gym daycare*
DC: Which room will you be working out in?
Me: None of them, I just need to take a shower.
Just thought I’d let everybody know that
I passed my paintball exam…with flying colors…
You’re like if “nope” was a person.