This could be us but you keep mumbling about your dignity.
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*Brings axe to slumber party*
“Oops. I thought you said ‘lumber party'”
*Knew the whole time*
*Waits until they’re asleep*
*Chops down tree*
You learn a lot about yourself when you decide to hide cookies from the family.
Why didn’t the people in the movie Armageddon just hold up a big sheet of paper when the meteor was coming? Paper beats rock…
You know you’ve mastered marriage when you shout to your husband, “Take the thing off the thing,” and he immediately removes the tin foil from the baking sheet.
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
Salad is being recalled. Do you know what’s never been recalled? Oreos.
At my age, if the wife wants to have fun, scrabble is coming out.
mountain lion attacks are on the rise. especially in california. be prepared!
this has done me in for some reason
CPR refresher class. We’re told, “If they’re not breathing, there’s no way you can make it worse.” Woman then trips; kicks dummy’s head off.
My current situation
doctor: are u sexually active
me: no i just sort of lay there
*Condom Co*
[ok, don’t let them know ur a frog]
“Any ideas how we can make our condoms more pleasurable for her?”
ME: Ribbit
“Genius”
he was a truck, she was a robot, can i make it anymore optimus
My 5yo has gone from simply repeating back everything I say to now repeating back everything I say but with a question mark at the end. This should serve as a reminder to us all that no matter how bad things are they can always get worse.
“It’s raining men. Hallelujah.”
-The lesser known 11th plague that God sent to the Egyptians
“No!”
-An A to Z guide to parenting.
My 1YO hit my 5YO with his toy so she got upset and asked me if we can return him to the hospital and pick up a “nicer kid”.
Boss: Have I made myself clear?
Me: No, I can still see you.
Boss: Shakes head.
Me in my 20s: SEVEN MORE SHOTS AND THEN TACO BELL!
Me in my 40s: I have moderate hip pain & I believe I may have swallowed some hair
HUSBAND 911: what your emergency?
ME: my wife hears everything
HUSBAND 911: do I?
ME: what?
HUSBAND 911: what?
It’s not really family vacation until everyone is crying because of sun poisoning, you’ve lost at least 3 bikini tops in the ocean, and your spouse is just staring off into nowhere regretting all decisions that led up to this point in life
my last few brain cells clinging on for dear life
Them: “How’s your diet going?”
Me: *slowly eats a powdered donut while maintaining eye contact*
CASHIER: One ultrathin lubricated condom. That’ll be $3.25
DUCK: Can you put it on my bill?
CASHIER: That’s not where it goes, silly
Please don’t block me. 🤣🤣🤣
T-Rex: I got stabbed by this huge Triceratops!
Doctor: How big were its horns?
T-Rex: *struggling to widen his arms*
Doctor: Just a baby then. You’ll be fine.
I hate when companies are too cheap to hire models & just advertise clothes lying there with nobody in them. Because 9 times out of 10 I click on an outfit I would wear & it’s for toddlers. One time it was a hoodie for a dog?
I hope the woman who forgot the word “iced” and so asked me for a caramel macchiato “on the rocks” yesterday is doing well
Nothing wakes you up faster than a 5 y/o kicking open your door like SWAT and jumping on you in bed.