This could be us… but you playing
You Might Also Like
my friend’s kid asked me if i had any games on phone so i let her text my ex.
Me: [practicing guitar]
Son: Hey, dad-
Me: NOT NOW I’M LEARNING CAT’S IN THE CRADLE
“I’m gonna sleep in tomorrow.”
Every child ever: No you’re not.
Googled woodworking. Broke my coffee table down and built a birdhouse. Desk is now a birdhouse too. Pretty much everything’s a birdhouse now
who said “fortune favors the prepared” instead of “ready player won”?
[Wife comes home to find me with 6 dogs recreating the fountain scene from Friends]
Me: I can explain
Dog: Woof!
Me: Chandler shut up!
Keep your friend’s clothes in your enemy’s toaster.
If you can’t pay off your reverse mortgage, does your house have to give you to the bank?
I don’t want to party like it’s 1999, I want to go grocery shopping like it is.
SHERLOCK: Is that mud on your shoe?
WATSON: No, shit Sherlock.
I was trying to be fancy using a pepper grinder and now I’m just exhausted from the manual labor
It’s always funny when the flight attendant says “we know you have a choice of airlines” as if free will exists.
Sydney actually has a lot of cool bars it’s just that to find them you have to walk into random shops and lean on shit like a Scooby Doo character until you find the secret passage.
Me: I’m gonna get you dressed.
3yo: cool I’m gonna make it as hard as possible for you to do so.
Me: cool.
3yo: cool.
I’m the guy at the gym laying face down on the treadmill telling everyone “I’m ok, I’m ok”
Priest: You May now kiss the bride.
Goth couple: *scowls*
Priest: *Sigh* You may Now bestow one final graven kiss upon this queen of winter throned.
I’m not sure how many biscuits it takes to be happy, but so far it’s not twenty seven.
New Year’s Eve would be so much better if it happened around sevenish.
Tell me I’d look good in a potato sack or lose me forever
Seems legit
what if our teeth screamed obscenities at us every time we brushed them?
CLEANING TIP- When cleaning windows or other glass products, you can apply orange juice to particularly grimy spots. This does not work however.
[late to work]
boss: well ??
me: (panicking) uhh my car got stuck in the suez canal
Staples is attempting a hostile takeover
of its rival Office Depot.Office Depot has retaliated by
snapping rubber bands at Staples.
Nooooooooo!!!
🌴🌿🪸🍀🌳
Me: “This new flavour of Pringles is horrible.”
Wife: “You’re eating a tube of tennis balls.”
I have a coworker with the same first name as me, and my boss is always talking about sending him on trips or assigning him projects, and it makes me anxious even though I know he’s not talking about me.
I bet Beyoncé doesn’t have this problem.
No thank you free mattress on the side of the road, I prefer to get my crabs the old fashioned way, by sleeping with complete strangers.
Gummy vitamins for dads called Dadgummit.
I’m 6’ and I’m built like someone who overestimates by four inches