this could fix me
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Just warning the studios that if we don’t start making shows, they’re not gonna have anything to reboot in 8-12 years.
When I’m texting, I start typing faster when i see you’re typing too. Oh, IT’S ON!! #amazingrace
It’s no longer a Twittercide, it’s Xterminated.
5 told me they read Pinocchio at school and that Pinocchio’s nose got big if he lied, then she looked at me and said “wow mummy you must have lied a lot”
“Get a puppy,” they said.
“It will be fun,” they said.I got 4 hours of sleep.
never deleting this app.
Mini-horses are like mini-donuts, you can’t just eat one
[Looking at ultrasound monitor with my wife]
Wife: Look at it’s little heart beating! Isn’t it amazing…
Me: It looks like a crossiant
came home to find the cat drunk again. the dog of course said nothing.
I am in my truest form when the food comes at a restaurant and I side-eye plates, suspicious that everyone got more fries than I did.
People don’t frolic enough anymore.
FROLIC YOU PIECES OF SHIT
All I’m saying is, I’ve never seen my Ex and Satan in the same room together.
My best friend’s marriage is such an inspiration.
As a reminder that there are worse things than dying alone.
A super moon is just like a regular moon except Lois Lane doesn’t recognize it when it’s wearing horn rimmed glasses
A woman just pulled out her checkbook to pay for groceries and even the cultured butter dropped an f-bomb.
o shit
Repeatedly referring to the electrician as a “take charge kind of guy” is a great way to make your doorbell turn on the garbage disposal.
Men’s 3-in-1 soap is for your hair, body, and car.
It’s always “you’re so cute when you’re mad,” until the house is on fire.
I’m going to need to see a warrant before you look through any pictures on my phone besides the one I show you.
I have been calling a guy on our street John since he and his wife moved here about five years ago.
His name is Dave.
At least there’s one other woman who’s more wasted than me in this emergency room.
No, my mistake, she’s got dementia.
Paramedic: *frantically beating his fist on my chest*
2nd paramedic: Tom…TOM…*grabs him* you can stop, he’s dead
Paramedic: I know, I just *exhales* hated him
Top Five Accountant Taboos:
5. Unreconciled difference
4. Doesn’t foot & crossfoot
3. No journal entry support
2. Cooking the books
1. Sex
My toddler said “I’m happy” and then “We’re best friends.” But it turns out she was talking to her cheese.
Shoutout to all the ‘Hi’s in my message requests. I admire your imagination
[placing hand on my boss’s casket] who can’t think outside the box now
no one should have to work on Sundays till you pull up to the Taco Bell and it’s dark inside
Local theater is doing CATS and I went last night and it’s very enjoyable but also super unrealistic; not one of the “cats” sat on a table and knocked shit onto the floor