this could fix me
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THERAPIST: My suggestion for you: Therapy dog
ME: Ok
[next week]
THERAPIST: Well?
ME: They told me I don’t qualify to be a therapy dog
My coworker was like “I love kids! Can’t finish a whole one by myself though hahaha!” And I was just like wow I could easily eat like 5.
Me: Our neighbor died last night
Him: Who, Ray?
Me: My God honey, I know you didn’t like him but it’s not something to celebrate
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, he could speak more languages than that. He had racist shoulders. His front teeth were impatient.
I’m implementing a new policy in my house: any child who is awake past bedtime can either go to sleep or clean the oven, no exceptions
My boss says I have to wear pants to work even if it is my birthday. Rude.
OSTRICH: *buries head in sand*
ANTELOPE: You’re crazy!
OSTRICH: Shut your mouth and help me bury the rest of him. I’m NOT going back to jail
[stubs toe]
“GOD DAMMIT”
God: No problem, bro.
[toe goes to Hell]
keep your Glenns Close and your Glennemies Closer
As I looked at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself:
“I’m going to get thrown out of this home depot in a minute.”
Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I’m halfway through my fish burger & I realize, Oh my God…I could be eating a slow learner.
I Wasn’t Paying Attention to the Zoom Until I Heard My Name Called: A Memoir
As a kid my mom laughed at me because I was always worrying about being shot with a crossbow while on the toilet. Well who’s laughing now?
[first day as a ghost]
BOSS: ur job is to scare people
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *whispering to millennials* you’ll never pay off ur student loans
The Supreme Court is really just a regular court with tomatoes and sour cream.
Nothing says rock bottom quite like having your head in the oven for 45 minutes before you realize you forgot to pay the gas bill
Be the reason someone burns sage.
Have kids so you can start your day with questions like, “mom, why do people clean toilets?”
At first I hated this, but my wife forced me to live with it a while, now I love it for some reason.
thought I was all good when my doctor said i was healthy as a horse; turns out he was referring to one specific horse, ‘Sick Matthew’
I was going to wash my car in my driveway but then I realized I don’t own a halter top or cut-off shorts.
Dammit.
I’m out here scooping up street salt and repurposing it to margaritas as God intended.
To everyone out there suffering from anxiety: you are not alone there’s someone behind you
I went outside without makeup on. A child cried and I think a bird flew into a window on purpose.
Halloween is the perfect time to trick people into believing you aren’t really going to use that ice pick you’re carrying around.
My lawn care company sent me an email saying, “We like to feed it before we seed it,” and I was like damn, they stole my game.
A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs
I found out blowing in the dogs face makes her stop barking. I tried the same thing on my wife to make her stop yelling and she bit me.
My son went into a bank 5 mins ago and I’m waiting in the car. Now I’m hearing sirens in the distance and I’m hoping I’m not a getaway car.
they should invent an apple tv remote that doesn’t turn off your movie unplug your tv and delete all your accounts if you breathe on it the wrong way