Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I seriously want my vet to be my primary care physician

GOP in 2008: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2012: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2016: Ok Hitler actually had some cool ideas

[supermarket]

Woman, to hubs: There’s no such thing as too much cheese!

Me: *peels a cheddar slice from my emergency roll*

M: *writes my cell number on it* I like your style babe, call me

M: *eats the cheese* DAGNABBIT!

M: *peels a cheddar slice from…

Stegosaurus: We’re getting reports of a huge asteroid. A global killer. We need a volunteer deep-core driller to destroy it

T-Rex: As the world’s best deep-core driller, I will save us all

[cut to T-Rex furiously trying to pick up the detonator he dropped]

The only thing we have to fear is fear itself…& murderous clowns, & ISIS, & one of these two getting elected President after Halloween.

My girlfriend is so crazy she even traced down the girl who once kissed me in kindergarten.

Science is tricky. Keeps you on your toes.
Mineralogy? Study of minerals.
Oceanology? Study of oceans.
Meteorology? NOT ABOUT METEORS.

Going to church you guys need anything

Boss: “Do you have a Twitter account?”

Me: “Umm… Yo no hablo inglès.”

Boss: “Tienes una cuenta de Twitter?”

Me: *fakes a seizure*

“I’m not ordering fries, I’ll just eat some of yours” -Former friends of mine

Good one computer geniuses, you made everything “user friendly” and “intuitive” and now idiots are on the internet commenting on everything.

INVENTOR OF ELECTRIC BICYCLES: what if an eleven year old could go as fast as cars

Half the time I hug anyone I’m just wiping my hands off on their back.

A driver that delivers Indian food is called a curryer.

Hydrate the goths. No government stands a chance against hydrated goths.

I don’t know how he put it in from that angle, but I liked it.

-me watching hockey

*Girl comes out in a slinky dress*

ME: Ooh that looks like fun

*I push her down the stairs*

*1st day in hell*
Devil: So you just sit in this room and people give you gifts
Me: Oh nice
Devil: And you have to react to each one
Me: NO

Bully: [crying, arms shaking in exhaustion, knocks kid down a 32nd time]

10 y/o Chumbawamba: [gets up again]

My dog doesn’t even understand what I’m doing when I air guitar solos to metal ballads but she dutifully holds up her lighter.

Sharon pls come back just because it’s bouncy doesn’t mean it’s not a house

Spanish film idea. A woman sees her son wrongly imprisoned and immediately sets out to have him released. It’s called Bye Juan, Get Juan Free.

Just a little reminder..
If mushrooms can grow through shit, so can you.

So can you!

You do you.

I’m gonna do me.

*married sex

VAMPIRE: Aaaarrgghh…DAYLIGHT!

ME (A REDHEAD): *turning to dust* Way ahead of you buddy.

This is top tier marketing 😂🤣

Let me just slip into something a little more comfortable *comes back wearing a wizard costume*

*alien tries to burst through chest
*years of fried foods have made my stomach walls unbreakable

Me: HAHA!

Alien: Laugh it up, now I have to go out the other way

Me:

some of yall afraid to be corny but i was born on the cob

I believe extraterrestrials arrived on Earth via flying lavatories. I believe in scientoiletgy, my friends.