Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My hobbies include knitting and leaving one star reviews on recipes when I used different ingredients and different techniqes and it turned out gross.

This text from my boss has every element: “Water you doing? Wind did you get to work this morning? Why on Earth did I hire you? You are Fire’d”

Catching up on last night’s crime shows, don’t spoil it….. does someone die? No, don’t tell me.

yogurts should come in a five pack not four pack or make the work week four days

COP: do you know why I pulled you over
ME: knock knock
COP: who’s there
ME: do you know why I pulled you over
COP: *begins to sweat* n..no

Benedict Cumberbatch sounds like the fake name someone called Ben would give when he realised halfway through that giving his real name would be a bad idea.

Reasons people get divorced:

-irreconcilable differences
-infidelity
-finances
-husband starts using the term boi
-lack of intimacy

You say lobotomy like it’s a bad thing.

Decades have gone by and STILL my parents have not given back the Halloween candy they took from me “for safe keeping”.

first world problems

I could really use hands-free web browsing.

Her: Who’s your favourite character in the Muppet Show?
Me: The vampire
Her: He doesn’t count
Me: I can assure you that he does

(Me,after returning from exam)

Mom: (Greeting) How was your paper?

Me: I wrote what I knew, I copied what I didn’t knew.

WIFE: I’m leaving you

ME: oh no what happened?

WIFE: you don’t pay attention to me anymore

ME: this is awful I’ve been working so hard at this

WIFE: it doesn’t feel like you-

ME: it must not have saved!

WIFE:

ME: *pauses video game* I’m sorry what were you saying?

I read murder mysteries for complicated plot lines, well rounded characters, and creative yet practical alibis.

Death certificates are our last participation award.

OMG. My wife’s boyfriend made such a fuss when I told his parents at dinner about how noisy those two are in bed.

Therapist: what’s your biggest fear?
Me: being alone
Therapist [getting tarantula out of box]: guess again idiot

Excuse me, the movie Inception, you’re gonna tell me you had like 10 people jumping between levels of everyone’s subconscious and yet there were ZERO sex dreams? Uhhhh that’s a damn plothole my guy!!!!

After I ask a stranger if I can pet their dog and they say yes, I like to respond, “I’ll keep that in mind” and walk off

If you’re asking me to choose sides, I’ll always choose potato salad.

I bet when David Hasselhoff gets too drunk he roams the streets screaming “KITT!” When he can’t find his car.

BARISTA: Thanks for coming. Enjoy your coffee!

ME: Thanks. You too!

BARISTA: You too? Oh no. Not again.

*pours ninth cup of coffee for the day and drinks it while excitedly sobbing

*lint rolls you awake*

Putting my Christmas tree up today. Big day for my cats

I look after plant pots and hanging baskets for celebrities, which means I tend to shrub holders with the rich and famous.

My husband totally underestimates my ability to participate fully in a conversation, yet not pay any attention. AT ALL.

Friend: So, you are distantly related to the family next door, are you?
Me: Yes, their dog is our dog’s brother.

Fall semester: kid leaves for college for the first time, how will I live without you?

Spring Break: HOW DID I EVER LIVE WITH YOU?

In hell u have to go hot tubbing with all the people who show up in the “people you may know” section of facebook

Classified ad:

Hunter seeks gatherer for nasty, brutish and short relationship. No weirdos.