This could’ve been an email.
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What’s it called when you’re a perfectionist but also extremely bad at everything?
If they served grilled cheese sandwiches at communion, I’d go to church more often.
My mood is currently on “shuffle.”
asking my doctor to give me the Marilyn Manson rib removal surgery to make more room for the hotdog eating contest
if your cat keeps trying to make noise but nothing is coming out, check and make sure they didn’t get stuck on mewt
I’m best man at my buddy’s second wedding. Is it appropriate to open my dinner speech with “Welcome back everyone”?
lol
doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance
doctor: I said m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how it’s spelled
This place has ruined me, I watched my mate trip and comically fall to the ground and my first reactions were: giggle and yell “parkour”.
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
My boss: Do you have Twitter?
Me: Spell it for me, I’ll search my apps.
Nobody:
My 6yr old talking to himself on the toilet: everyday I gotta get up for school. & then everyday I’m gonna have to get up for work. When does it end. Did I ask for this? No. I don’t remember that I asked for this. I asked for rest and legos and French toast.
Just blocked someone for correcting my spelling and it feelded great.
I’ve got all my ducks in a row but these chickens have no concept of symmetry.
Doctor: Your son needs a kidney transplant
My mom: K, he NEEDS or he WANTS one?
[last supper]
Judas: Here, I brought this
Jesus: A bottle of wine? Srsly? I need that like I need a hole in my hand
Judas: *winks at camera*
Cats are tough negotiators, they leave nothing on the table.
cicadas cotton eyed joe
🤝
where did they come from?
where did they go????
are elective head amputations covered by insurance oh shoot i thought this was google
“Paper or pl..”
..astic! OMG we finish each other’s sentences! You complete mmmm…
“I’m not saying ‘me'”
ME! OMG we did it again!
“…”
I have the credit card bills of a much wealthier man.
Dr: What seems to be the problem?
Me: It’s my hearing, Doctor.
Dr: Can you describe the symptoms?
Me: Mmm, well, there’s Homer, Bart….
Me: I’ll take Glinda the Good Witch because I love shoes, Ursula the Sea Witch so she could silence annoying people for me, and Maleficent because I love to sleep.
Genie: But that’s not…eh, never mind, your witches are granted.
Just saw a grasshopper jump on cement.
THEY’RE EVOLVING.
Those are good neighbors.
I reached the summit’s peak, spoke to the Oracle, and she says you have to let me finish the rest of your m&m’s
If this doughnut and chocolate milk are going to take years off my life, could I have them remove 1978-1982?
Throw a baby badger so high that when it lands on your enemy it’s fully grown and very upset. You left town years ago. The perfect crime.
“Extra cheese”
Extra! Extra! More cheese!!
“No olives”
Breaking! Hold on the olives!
~Ex-Newsie working at Subway
Halloween is great because you can buy yourself six bags of family size peanut butter M&Ms and nobody asks any questions.