This could’ve been an email.
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The name’s Bond, James Bond. And you are?
Got bucked off my high horse. Now I only have contusions of grandeur.
Expect the unexporcupine.
How many vintage novelty sweaters does a grown woman need? Apparently just one more
[opens car door for wife]
WIFE: Please stop doing that on the freeway
An uber eats driver just sent me a thank you for a tip on an order I placed three weeks ago and I really resonate with that level of procrastination
My parents: we have something to tell you
Me: ok
Parents: remember when wesaid your dog went to live on a farm
Me: Ya, muffin
Parents: well that didn’t actually happen
Me: oh no
Parents: he was actually arrested for smuggling fentanyl into the country in shipping containers
Whenever I tinker with the idea of a having a relationship, I go spend a night with my married friends.
Do nudists have anxiety dreams where they show up to events clothed?
[God making coconuts]
ANGEL: Hair on the outside?
GOD: Yes
ANGEL: Milk on the inside?
GOD: Yes
ANGEL: So, this is another mammal?
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, no
*saves baby from burning building*
“How can I ever repay you?!”
Favstar in the bio
“Oh I don’t have Twi-”
*returns baby to burning building*
[boarding a flight]
me (to the pilot): “ohhhhh boy. who let this guy in here.”
pilot (chuckling): “good morning sir”
me (way too familiar): “you’re not gonna cause trouble today, are you?”
pilot (annoyed): “what?”
me (getting really serious): “you need to be playful with me”
Me: I like to look on the bright side. It’s a beautiful sunny day, I was getting tired of that room, I always enjoy seeing professionals at work and I finally tried a cigarette only to confirm my belief I wouldn’t care for them. Nice to know! Well, please continue.
Firing Squad:
Who called it a witches’ coven and not a hex trafficking ring?
It’s so rude how many of you have the audacity to be out peopling around whenever I go somewhere
New rule: advertisements can no longer use adjectives.
I’ll decide what is “fresh” and “natural” and “like a real girl” thank you very much
We’re fighting a fruit fly infestation, and I would have thought it was obvious they’re at the wrong house.
*opens up briefcase in court, revealing snakes*
“Wait. Then that means-”
[cut to my nemesis waking up surrounded by my opening statement]
I told my mum at dinner that my daughter was talking in a made up language and my mum said all languages are made up and I dropped a potato
If you hear one of the high piano keys repeating slowly, you’re either watching a trailer for a horror movie, or you are a parent.
*combines 2% and 1% to create 3% milk*
that’s my husband on the left and me on the right
I’m sorry for dropping a glitter bomb in the baptismal pool at church tomorrow.
My daughter has decided singing happy birthday to her is punishable by death
Maternity confirmed
family members leaving you things in their will is literally them saying “yeah I’ll give you this… over my dead body”
The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks to hide their identities from all the other walking and talking turtles
I keep a notepad next to my bed so if I wake up with a great idea, I can write it down. Last night, I scribbled “fruit roll-ups,” and I’m not sure what it means, but I think I’m on to something brilliant.
GF: Can I have some almonds?
Me: Sure I’m done with them.
GF: These are good!
Me: They were better when the chocolate was on them.
[walks into a laundromat with a bag of popcorn kernels and heads straight to the dryers]
I always go swimming with a spoon in case I need to defend myself from a jellyfish.