This could’ve been an email.
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Welcome to procrastinators club. The meeting will start eventually.
overrated: crying in the shower
underrated: using the shower rack for all the assorted condiments for your shower tacos
We told Grandpa that we were worried about him being quarantined alone with his bad hip and failing eyesight, but he told us not to worry because he’d gotten himself a dog.
Led Zeppelin’s “In My Time Of Dying” is my favorite song about a man with a touch of a cold.
I have a photographic memory, but I’ve run out of film
Buffalo Wild Wings: Did you order ahead?
Me: No it was just wings.
I really need to go on the show Survivor. Not for the money or the fame. It’s just the only way I’m ever gonna effectively lose weight.
Young people of today will never know the joy of having a cassette stuck in the car stereo & listening to the same 12 songs for 20 years.
Maybe my washing machine keeps telling me it has one more minute left in the cycle because it’s connected to the wifi and doesn’t want to stop scrolling TikTok.
So funny how “go to sleep” and “do parkour” sound exactly the same to kids.
you just know somebody’s being called by their full name right now
Yes, I’m English.
No, I can’t speak British to you.
No, I don’t know the Queen.
No, I don’t want a spot of tea.
The first one, obviously
Those who do not learn from history are destined to repeat it.
But I guess the same can be said for math and geography courses.
ME: Honey, I bought a Pet Rock
WIFE: A WHAT?
ME: Shhh, you’ll make him nervous
DWAYNE JOHNSON: *already peeing all over the carpet*
SCIENTIST: dont be stressed! some rocks becom diamonds under extreme pressure
ME: wat about the other rocks
SCIENTIST: oh they turn to dust
Don’t get it. Heard the phrase “keep your friends clothes & keep your enemies clothes, sir”. Now I have a bunch of naked people angry at me.
Jehovah’s Witness: Do you have time to talk about Jesus?
Jesus: *In disguise* sure
JW: He’s lame
J: *rips off fake beard* Big mistake pal
Raise your hand if this is your first time under a helicopter. Ah, sorry to make an example of you Johnson, but that’s why we never do that.
BREAKING: FBI discovers that Hillary’s 30,000 deleted emails were all Facebook notifications from Biden tagging her on cat videos.
Messaging my hair person to make an appointment for sometime in the week and finding out they are now based in the UK….
A moment of silence for all those who are stuck in traffic, trying to get to the gym, to ride stationary bikes…
I love my husband so much that I have a picture of his credit card on my home screen.
[police station]
LIEUTENANT: do you have an alibi for the night of the murders
SAILOR: i was a hundred feet below sea level in a submarine
SERGEANT: dammit boss that’s airtight
This salad tastes like I’ll be eating spaghetti at midnight. 😒
[friends chatting in back of my car]
“im good at impressions”
how good?
“watch”
in satnav voice: “turn left”
[i drive us clean off a bridge]
♫When the moon hits your eye♫
You’ll be killed.
It’s massive.
Tell them you’re stupid and they’ll say you’re smart, just to prove you wrong. That’s how stupid works.
Today in who needs an alarm: my kid woke me up early by scream-whispering WHAT IS DUST?
[blind date]
HER: I love classic rock.
ME: (trying to impress) I’ve been to Stonehenge.