This could’ve been an email.
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The only phrase you need to learn in any foreign language is, “I know you guys are talking shit about me!”
I’m a professional air guitar tech.
The pay is crap but I enjoy the lifestyle that goes with it
That’s what I call a flat tire
Wife: whats that?
Son: I painted a picture of a cat
Wife: it’s very good
Me: if it was very good you wouldn’t have needed to ask what it was
My dog saw me naked this morning
now she’s sitting down at the end of the driveway waiting for her Uber to the shelter
Whenever I babysit I wear a wig. When the parents leave I cut off 90% of my hair. I tell the kids if they don’t behave, they’re next.
Who called it Scientology and not Cruise control?
9 out of 10 dentists agree that Gary is the most handsome dentist. Gary voted for Brett because he couldn’t vote for himself
*robs neighbor’s chicken coop*
*serves poached eggs*
every raccoon you see is currently on parole
therapist: you need healthy coping mechanisms
me: hmmm *writes note*
therapist: what did you just write
me: doesn’t feel so great does it
Watching Grey’s Anatomy teaches me that if I’m really sad, I should walk slowly down a corridor to a Snow Patrol track.
Seriously, if you go to Central or South America to visit ancient ruins and you don’t dress as Indiana Jones, what’s even the point? Bonus points if you can get the whip through customs.
Twitter is the only place where you encourage strangers to follow you. What could possibly go wrong?
The Lion King is my favorite movie about how having a karate wielding monkey can completely change your life.
imagine you get to the gates of heaven and they make you download an app to go in
Car salesmen: Good evening
Me: TAKE IT EASY PAL I’M JUST LOOKING AROUND
Can I donate fat instead of blood?
Can’t believe people still say “pot” it’s not the 70s anymore we call it “saucepan” now
“Why does the Gingerbread Man have super speed? It doesn’t make sense.”
“Dessert goes pretty fast.”
“Please shut up.”
Every industry in the country, he lets put our products in these handy useful resealable ziplock bags!
Cereal & chip mfg companies, nah we’re good
*gently places finger on caroler’s lips*
you had me at “O come”
[first day in prison]
“I need to speak to management. There is no way I can use this generic bar soap on my face.”
TV WRITER (MALE): How do we make the girl character hot hot cool make me hard?
OTHER WRITER (MALE): Make her know the names of all da carzzz!!
TVW: Should we give her other personality traits?
OTVW: No definitely not!
TVW: Should she BE a car?
OTVW: Whoa. Yes.
9: My room is clean.
Me: You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.
*me almost finished with a chore*
Husband: Here, let me do that.
EARTH: Let’s just be friends
MOON: Ok I understand [circles the earth for 4 billion years]
Me: I banged your Mom.
My Son: I know, Dad. I know.