This country is bonkers. Toilet paper: gone. Bottled water: sold out. And yet nobody else thought to stock up on the single most important thing. Good luck now suckers! Ya snooze ya lose
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interview: problem solving skills?
me: i once fit 9 people into a 1986 Toyota Corolla
Love is courageous, but so is arm wrestling a bear and you don’t see anyone suggesting that.
“Dad, what’s a coworker?”
“Someone you block on social media.”
When it comes to men’s sweatpants bring back Victorian era protocol: I really don’t wanna show you my ankles unless we’re married. Its downright indecent.
Kids are fun cause they tell you sweet things like mom you should bedazzle that pimple.
Straight, gay, bi. Doesn’t bother me. But you foot people have some splainin’ to do.
Jogging has never helped my memory.
It’s all fun and games until your kids start counting their Halloween candy.
Imagine kissing a frog and it turns into a Prince. Like, great, now I gotta go find another sexy frog
My bank called me: “sir did you go to dominos at midnight three days in a row in Florida?”
Me:….yah
Bank:*long pause* “alright then”
English Language: ‘I before E, except after C’.
Keith: That’s not true.
English Language: Don’t make it weird.
Keith: But you just..
English Language: Wow ur feisty this morning, someone hasn’t had their caffeine lol
If I got a Roomba it would take one look around, grab it’s things, and walk out the front door muttering something about impossible working conditions
So what I ate my salad with a spoon, lf you give me a second date and i’ll show you how I tackle soup
I am looking forward to 6pm Thanksgiving Day when Walmart opens its doors for its annual sale of trampled human corpses.
What’s it called when your bar is better stocked than your pantry?
Payday
If I ever saw a Tyrannosaurus Rex in real life , I’d be scared.
WebMD is too stodgy and clinical, give me EtsyMD where you get your diagnosis embroidered on one of them wooden rings 𝓨𝓸𝓾’𝓻𝓮 𝓭𝔂𝓲𝓷𝓰 𝓹𝓻𝓸𝓫𝓪𝓫𝓵𝔂
Look, I respect the skill. But no.
Just finished the first chapter of this novel. Tons of characters with the same name and really hard to follow.
Sir, that’s a phone book.
When people say “what do you want, a cookie?” It’s like yeah. That would be great. Would help my mood immensely
You would think with the whole “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” that there would be more body builders walking around.
This is no longer winter this is harassment
*I need to eat better*
post donut clarity
My dog is coming home from surgery today and I hope he did ok. He can’t afford another malpractice suit.
Nobody ever collects famous first words.
My friend’s 6-year-old was being obnoxious.
The mature thing to do was to tell him to settle down.
I challenged him to a rap battle.
I wonder if Houdini ever locked himself out of the house.
I have nothing nice to wear for the government shutdown
bumping into a hot professor in the hallway and dropping my folder full of printed out pictures of the Green M&M