This country is bonkers. Toilet paper: gone. Bottled water: sold out. And yet nobody else thought to stock up on the single most important thing. Good luck now suckers! Ya snooze ya lose
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I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
*watching an elephant eat a ton of food* wow
*my cat watching me eat a ton of food* wow
[1st time eating a lemon] this orange is angry
the main reason men’s shirts have those little breast pockets is just in case their gf becomes a worm
Boy, was I disappointed when I found out canoodling doesn’t involve actual noodles.
Growing up,
I knew my Mom meant business when she started yelling words I didn’t know existed.
i love misspelling a word so hard even MS Word is like “this is between you and the Lord now”
I’m no expert, but I would guess the internet really affected encyclopedia sales.
*covers kids eyes*
“Hey Billy, guess who?”
“Dad!”
“Nope”
“I knw its u dad. I know ur voice”
“Its not ur dad”
“Stop jking”
“Ur adopted”
If life gives you lemons just be thankful that life didn’t give you gonorrhea instead because making lemonade would be very painful
called my horse mayo cause mayo neighs
[Entomologist Meeting]
Guy 1: We found a new, wingless bug. Name ideas?
Guy who named the fly: A crawl?
G 1: Shut your goddamn mouth Todd
Godzilla vs. A Floor Scattered With Legos
By a show of hands, how many of you are raising your hands?
It’s like nobody at this Bed Bath and Beyond appreciates me taking intimate selfies on every bed so I can decide which comforter brings out my natural beauty.
This could be the Alcohol talking but….
OMG you guys! The ALCOHOL is TALKING!
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
“I’m so tired of being poor and unemployed,” says the TV show character who wears a new designer outfit in every scene
[Christmas]
ME: You know how you wanted that new keurig?
HER: YES!? {rips open present} IT’S IT’S- just a cup of coffee?
ME: {whispering in her ear} From a keuriiiiiig.
I’m watching TV with close captioning on for the same reason a lot of people of a certain age do, because I’m eating chips.
*seductively slides hand along store shelf to distract you*
*grabs last bag of Cheetos*
*tucks, rolls, and runs away*
My son has a hard time waking up in the morning so he downloaded an obnoxious sounding alarm on his phone to ensure he wouldn’t oversleep.
So far the only people awake from it this morning are me, my husband & our neighbors.
Why would anyone get an ancestry DNA test for themselves? Such a waste of money.
*buys multiple Wisdom Panel DNA tests to see what breeds my dogs are.
ME: I made you some coffee! It’s even double filtered… fancy right?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: couldn’t separate the coffee filters could you?
ME: no
Took my kids’ car seats out to clean them. Found a whole box of Cheerios & 2 buckets of sand.
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 20’s: Turns up music.
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 40’s: Turns down NPR.
Prince Charming: I will awaken her with love’s sweet ki–
Sleeping Beauty: five more minutes
Just your annual reminder about this seagull that turned orange after it fell into a container of chicken tikka masala while trying to get a piece of meat from a factory bin. #SpiceGull
I asked my brothers why they’re getting two separate ps5s when they live in the same house and can share, and they told me to go share my phone with my mum😑
I had a stalker once but he saw me eating soup