8yo: mommy how old are you?
8yo: *blink blink* so you seen a real dinosaur?
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Them: if lemonade has real lemons in it, do you think gatorade has actual gators in it?
Me: *drinking poisonade* oh shit
No c?h?i?l?d? donuts left behind.
RACCOON (in trench coat): one egg
WAITER: one egg? *suspicious* you’re not from around here, are you?
RACCOON: t-two eggs?
WAITER: ah yes, that’s a normal quantity of eggs
RACCOON: *excitedly* five eggs!
WAITER: *eyes narrow*
kidnapper: [on the phone] pay the ransom to get your son back
dad: oh god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: son listen money doesn’t grow on trees
ME: [getting pistol whipped] hey everyone, look at this idiot who thinks his gun is a whip
There’s no such thing as a 10 second rule, with a 5 second dog.
So i said to Arnie “Where did you get those toilet rolls??”
He said “Aisle B, Back.”
Never end a tweet with a question mark. People will talk to you.
I received my first unsolicited goat pic. Not kidding.