This country is bonkers. Toilet paper: gone. Bottled water: sold out. And yet nobody else thought to stock up on the single most important thing. Good luck now suckers! Ya snooze ya lose
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I never go where I’m not wanted, unless you’re serving cake. If you’re serving cake I’ll be there either way.
Me: and now turning to slide 23, in conclusion I think we can all agree that this is not the outcome we were hoping for
Widow: *taking back microphone* how did you know my husband?
I’d rather go liquor treating.
*emerging naked from a ball of lightning*
Me: You there! What year is it?
Tupac: It’s 1996 -are you-
Me: I’m from the future, yes
Tupac: To deliver a message!
Me: No
Tupac:
Me: I’m just going to live here
Tupac:
Me: You should uh… take a cruise or something though
The part right before bench pressing when you’re laying down but not lifting is so good
So I’m enjoying the cinematography and outfits but the script could do with a few more jokes.
#Coronation
Juror: we find the defendant guilty
Me: objection your honour! U already asked me if I was guilty & I told u I wasn’t
Judge: he has a point
“Despite my best efforts, my hot air balloon just isn’t going to fly.”
“Dude, that’s a bike with a blanket on it.”
“My best efforts.”
you’re never too old to achieve your dreams. prince charles is 73 and he just got his first job.
me: aw i look so cute
my camera: are you in the right headspace to receive information that could possibly hurt you?
me: i’m sorry
gordon ramsay: yes donkey sorry for what?
me: i’m sorry i burnt the quesadillas
gordon ramsay: that’s better big boy
me: look man you’re gonna have to leave this is a private residence
In 3rd grade the bus driver missed my house but I was too embarrassed to say anything so I got off at the last stop and started a new life.
I am very, very sick but a neighbor just rode his bike down the street screaming “WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY MORE ANIMALS!!!” while being chased by his 3 small children on their (decreasingly smaller) bikes who kept chanting “HAMSTER! HAMSTER! HAMSTER!” and I had to share
Pro tip: Turn any sofa into a sofa bed by telling your girl to calm down.
It’s the man who is supposed to be getting up to make the coffee in the morning. It’s even in the Bible under “Hebrews.”
What idiot called it a hot air balloon and not a sphere of heights
Moderator: your word is “impatient”
Sloth: can you use it
Moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“
Sloth: in a
Moderator: you know what close enough *ding*
Sloth: oh great thank you
Moderator: what the
{God inventing turtles}
What if a lizard had social anxiety?
Kinda rude my neighbours live next to me.
Fact of the Day: Lyrics can be used in a court of law as evidence.
That’s how Billy Joel was acquitted of arson charges.
It’s not condescending if they’re stupid.
on a scale of 1 to eating cereal out of a bundt cake pan with a melon baller, how lazy are you about washing dishes on the weekends?
I just tripped and stumbled into a group of asian kids on the street and accidentally won a breakdancing competition.
Marriage hack: when your wife says “I think it’s crazy, but do what you want,” don’t do what you want.
The Human Body Is 90% Water, So Basically We’re Just Cucumbers With Anxiety” – Science Person
dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you’re cooking and you accidentally boil him with the noodles
Did you just pronounce “etc.” as “eg-sed-ra”, sir?
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not the one taking
I’m sorry…what?
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