this country is so goddamn polarized
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A guy in my class stopped me today as I was walking out and said “I gotta show you this girl she’s your literal twin” and then showed me my own Instagram
Okay so I need to find and purchase this book
i prefer mine room temperature.
3YO: She’s eating my sandwich!
Me: Why are you eating her sandwich??
7YO: Because I thought she wasn’t looking!
I don’t actually need a house cleaner, I just need the threat of a house cleaner coming over as motivation
[ first day working at a pet store ]
customer: can i see that fish bowl?
me: sure let me get his shoes
[murders Aquaman with some super absorbent paper towels]
An apple a day keeps no one away unless you have meticulously good aim.
Dating Tips
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5.Please. I am 36 and live with 2 guinea pigs.
“You can’t come in here with a dog.”
“I’m blind. It’s my seeing eye dog.”
“No way. They don’t breed Chihuahua service dogs.”
“They gave me a Chihuahua?”
everywhere a sign. ⚠️
“This syrup tastes funny…”
-Me, drunk, putting soy sauce on my pancakes
Oh you’re a yogi name one picnic basket you’ve stolen
Facebook friend: What a busy day! Aydyn had a soccer tournament and then we completely remodeled the kitchen, then we did a 20 mile bike ride and finished the day with reading 15 chapters of a book!
Me: *is impressed that I actually finished reading her post*
Pains me to say it, but I have chapped lips.
Sensei: always expect the unexpected *pulls out picnic blanket*
Me: *instantly pulls out picnic basket*
Sensei: *hands me ninja diploma*
Bought a 2nd cell phone to leave on the coffee table as a decoy when I go tweet in the bathroom.
Found 78 cents in the dryer this morning & all I’ve got to say is this family is not making it worth my while.
smokey robinson: tears of a clown
witch: where did you get this recipe
*learns about complementary colors*
in my head:
red: that shirt looks so nice on you!
green: thanks! your shoes are perfect!
blue: screw you guys
My roomba on charge after cleaning up after 2 kids and 2 dogs.
Boss: What are you doing here on a Saturday??
Me (eating leftovers from fridge): …reports.
Relationship status: I’m about to go put on my camouflage pants so my family can’t find me on the couch.
chicken: [stamps out cigarette] have you even once considered that THIS is the other side of the road?
I’m not saying that my kids don’t love me, but if I’m ever held hostage at gunpoint and they have to answer a “yes or no” question in order for me to survive, then I’m definitely going to die because the first word out of my kids mouths is going to be “why.”
A dog opens the front door.
Wearing a suit, he drops his briefcase, walks to the couch, and crashes next to his owner.
“Hey, buddy. How was work?”
And the dog goes “RUFF.”
Sometimes I think I’m in love with the woman who drops off the Amazon packages, and sometimes I realize I’m having a Pavlovian response.
pirate: shiver me timbers
me: *crochets a tiny sweater for his peg leg*
An owl showing some catlike behavior.
whenever i see sombody obsessively taking photos of the sunset, i go up to them & whisper “dont worry.. the sun is gonna come back tomorow”