Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Then suddenly you’re a mom declaring ownership over swept dirt on the kitchen floor yelling DON’T YOU DARE WALK THROUGH MY DIRT PILE

“This movie is intended for 18+ viewers.” Bro, I don’t have 17 friends to watch this with.

What do you get if you cross a bear and a wolf? You get eaten is what you get. Stop upsetting scary animals.

Hangman is a lovely childhood game where you slowly draw a man killing himself if another kid can’t read your mind.

I get all my cardio by crying when someone calls me ma’am at the gym.

turn-ons:
• eye contact
• people who pay attention to me
• people who know how to push my buttons
• oh god im a television
• how did this h―

Ebola has been in the US for 1 day and people are already wearing masks. AIDS has been here for 55 years and fools still don’t use a condom

Maternal instincts are incredible. For example, now that I’m a mom, I automatically start salivating if someone uncorks a bottle of wine within a half mile radius of my location.

Sometimes I like to mess with my husband and say things like “Honey, please hand me a waffle knife” and watch him panic.

Him: You look angry.

Me: *lowering the flame thrower*
Do I?

Granola Bars, for when you’re hungry & also want to teach your mouth a lesson

DIRECTOR: it’s-a me, Mario!
CHRIS PRATT: it is me, Mario.
DIRECTOR: it’s-a me, Mario!
CHRIS PRATT: it is me, Mario.
DIRECTOR: IT’S-A ME, MARIO!
CHRIS PRATT: IT IS ME, MARIO
DIRECTOR: … better.

Geppetto: Whew it’s a cold one.
Pinocchio: Mhmm.
G: Fire’s running low.
P: Mhmm.
G: Wonder *sharpens axe* where I could get some wood.

Husband: Why are you whispering?
Me: because I’m wearing spanx and i can’t breathe or feel my hands or feet much less speak in a normal voice
Husband: I don’t know why you wore those it didn’t even make that much difference.
Me: I WILL KILL YOU WITH MY BARE HANDS

WIFE: You forgot my birthday again didn’t you?

ME: [putting wrapping paper round the cat] Goddammit, I told you not to turn round yet Janet

I’ve never owned a pair of spanx that didn’t eventually own me.

“My eyes are up here,” I said as I clutched my burrito tighter.

Ah yes. My husband and I in our natural habitat.
Lying in bed on our phones whilst blowing pet hair off our screens.

Parents out there naming their kids things like, Montana and Carolina and Dakota, but you never see anyone with the balls to name their kid, Idaho.

Goodnight stars. Goodnight air. Goodnight 30-50 feral hogs everywhere

Whenever someone tells me they have an IQ of 140, I wonder if that’s Fahrenheit or centigrade.

RED RIDING HOOD: what big pupils you have grandmother
WOLF: yeah I found some pills in the bathroom I love you they’re unreal you want some?

It’s been one year since I got fired for having my friends give me 5 star reviews

Picture someone you think is kinda/sorta attractive.

Now picture them holding a pizza box.

one time while we were eating dinner my uncle suddenly ran into our house & told us that he just ate a whole apple pie & needed to hide out for a few hours. a few minutes later a bunch of cop cars raced by

Brain: Great workout, here’s some endorphins

Me: Oh nice, I’ll feel good for-

Anxiety: It took you a full minute to figure out the treadmill buttons and I bet people noticed

Me: … that long

just had a chilling thought… do br*t*sh and canadian people call it ‘dragon ball zed’ 🤢

My 4yo is now doing the “I definitely don’t need to go to the toilet” dance