Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why did they call them the behavioral traits of centaurs and not human neighture.

You never really know how many inches you’re gonna get or how long it’ll last.

Snow, maybe.

[trying to stop my toddler’s tantrum in a restaurant]
*harsh whisper* If you don’t cut it out right now then there’s nothing else I can do

Two guys are driving through Indiana and they stop at a fast food place in Louisville. They start arguing about how the name of the town is pronounced, if it’s Louis-vill or Lou-ee-vill. They ask the cashier “how do you say the name of this place?”

She says “Burger King.”

The Vatican just deleted all the Pope’s tweets. Because NO ONE denies reality like the Catholic Church.

I’ve seen:

•UFOs
•Ghosts
•A Two Headed Turtle
•Kimodo Dragons

But nothing is as unbelievable to me as seeing Trump run for president.

“Any new year’s resolutions?”
“No thank you”

People need to stop with the crime, some of us don’t want to do jury duty because you can’t act right.

May just keep repeating the phrase “YOU DO YOU” to my coworkers until one of them sucker punches me.

I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly Chinese food.

If you add a touch of olive oil to your pan of kale, it will help slide it into the garbage.

My family doesn’t get together a lot during the holidays.

We see each other enough throughout the year at all the interventions.

Deeply concerning if literal: Last Christmas I gave you my heart.

A rusted van sits under a bridge.
Rats gnaw on moldy Scooby Snacks.
Shaggy takes a hit off the pipe.

“WHY COULDN’T YOU LOVE ME VELMA?”

Squirrels are just hobos with fancy fur coats.

Me: lets go get a drink!

Friend: what’s the occasion?

Me: …

Friend: …

Me: I don’t understand the question.

The worst thing about coming home from a trip isn’t unpacking, it’s the looming threat of nuclear war

My kids keep fighting over who gets to fool me next and maybe that’s the real prank

if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all: I watched Rebel Moon 2 and the Netflix app worked well. showed me the entire movie. in color

I bet if Jesus had turned water into Vodka. The Bible would’ve been a lot more interesting.

I keep having this dream about a guy I chopped up and put in my freezer. I always have to try and hide it when I get a new roommate. The roommate part is really starting to freak me out.

i haven’t seen a “turn $50 into $5000” post in a minute, y’all in jail now?

“YOU’RE FAT.” – my belt

Apparently, saying “grande” in a non-Starbucks coffee shop is like shouting the wrong name during sex.

At marathons I like to put glitter in cups so when participants grab one and throw it in their face they get a party instead of hydration

If you want your kid to repeat doing something then just say “don’t do that!”

Whenever I have to fix a hole in any wall I always hide a realistically drawn but totally fake treasure map in there first.

Hire a hitman is apparently not the correct answer to “what would you do if you won the lottery”

Stop saying I’m crazy. You’re starting to sound like the waffle iron.

the short answer to this question