This coworker is in a really good mood this morning, so I hacked his Facebook account and wrote “sexy” on all of his wife’s friends’ pics.
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Date: omg it’s so dark do you have a flashlight
Me: I don’t need one cause I have all the light I need right here-
Date: aww
Me: oh my feet *i stomp and my light up sketchers start flashing*
Me: [walks up to boss] *SLAP*
Boss: WTH?!
Me: It’s Natl Bully Month
Boss: No, it’s Natl Bully PREVENTION Month!
Me: well this is awkward
You don’t know laziness until you rob a bank & choose to wait for the amount you stole to be announced on news rather than count it yourself
earthquakes are just the planet’s way of trying to shake us off and I honestly can’t find fault in that
The toilet paper thief accidentally dropped the merchandise as he jumped over a fence.
He got away Scott free.
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
Teacher: *carrying basket full of massive fruit* good morning, class. Today we will be working in pears
My theory is that the captain of the Titanic crashed on purpose because the band kept playing songs off their new album
just arby’s bein’ a bro
I want to start dating again so I have someone else to blame for any problems.
30% of parenting is just asking,
“Why is this wet?”
Live by one rule: trust no one but yourself. But at the same time, can I borrow your car tomorrow night?
I really loved the idea of moving and re-decorating until I realized one pillow is literally $25
Tide Pods need a little seasoning?
Sprinkle some bath salts on top.
[Life Pro Tips]
when considering crime, avoid anything that could add the prefix “international” to charges
A taser but for people who say “it is what it is”.
Don’t be a doormat for people to walk all over. Be a FAKE doormat over a trapdoor that leads to a secret pit of cobras.
Me: When’s your break today?
Him: Not sure. I’ll send you a DM
*doorbell rings*
Demi Moore: Ok, he’s ready for lunch
While a group of crows is a murder, a single crow is plea bargained down to aggravated assault.
WIFE: my battery died, do you have something that can power my cell?
ME: [sips from World’s Greatest Science Teacher mug] ᵗʰᵉ ᵐᶦᵗᵒᶜʰᵒⁿᵈʳᶦᵃ
Neighbor: I need to run to the store. Can you watch the baby?
Me (thinks of Daredevil cued up on Netflix): I am a registered sex offender
Pro tip: If he pretends he can’t hear you, talk some shit about his mother.
“Hey, watch your mouth!” I yell at the woman in this park that’s just letting her pet mouth run around all willy nilly.
She wasn’t matching our energy so I had to fix it for her 🙄😂
Wife: “If I die first, I want you to remarry.”
Me: “Wow. Do you really hate me that much?”
When someone walks into a room, I like to tap the person next to me and in a loud stage whisper say “Is that who you were telling me about?”
My 7 yr. old thought it would be really funny to hold up a sign in the back window of the car that said “HELP ME!”. It was not.
Jigsaw: I want to play a game
Me: *takes his hand* I don’t play games
Jigsaw: [whispers] OMG
*at casino*
When he hands you $100 and asks you to go get chips, do not ask him Doritos or Lays. Get both.
It will leave him speechless.
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I…
I was looking down at my phone and walked directly into a tree,
And that has made all the difference.