Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Doctor: We’re going to perform open heart surgery on you.

Me: Oh no…my feels will escape!

Any time a child tries to guess my age.

I’m really good at acting like I’m sorry the elevator door is closing and you missed it.

My daughter asked me if I know how to do the Running Man, like my generation didn’t invent it. Anyway, that’s what brings me to the ER.

I like listening to Phil Collins in the shower. He gets creeped out when he sees me, though.

You don’t serve tuna do you?

“No sir, we don’t serve fish here”

*A family of tuna in fake mustaches whistles innocently at another table*

When my son loses his 1st tooth, Im putting $1 under his pillow and a note that says “I’ll be back with a hammer for the rest. -Tooth Fairy”

Every squirrel is a flying squirrel if you’ve got a good throwing arm.

Relationship status:

My neighbour/girlfriend was kidnapped but she’s ok now, I was caught.

This summer, camp counselors all over the country will shine flashlights under their chins and read the headlines.

If your spouse’s loud chewing bothers you, imagine how much it tortures the poor begging dog.

Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when my mother-in-law wasn’t getting to the point.

I haven’t seen Criss Angel in awhile …. I have to say this is by far his best magic trick ever.

Roe v Wade is my favorite bitter controversy about the best way to cross a small river.

Currently on minute 137 of Easy~Bake Oven cupcakes. I’ll be live Tweeting their status as they crisp up over the next day or two.

Find a man who strokes your hair and says how soft it is and doesn’t even care that it’s on your legs.

kinda want to get my dog to bark for 2 minutes as my voice mail so no one ever leaves me one again

Me: Well, this calls for a celebration *cracks open beer*

Wife: …you took out the trash

“DADDY THERE’S A SPIDER IN MY ROOM”
[sound of me nailing door shut]
Wife “WTF are you doing?”
Its too late for her now she’s as good as dead

Without background music, it’s really hard to know which emotions I’m supposed to be faking.

[Grocery Store]

Wife: Why do we need 12 baskets?

Me: *takes idioms very literally* One for each egg.

Cats don’t understand movie/TV production, so they must just think some WILD shit happens outside of one window in our house.

Take my advice, I’m not using it.

*furtive glance to make sure no one is listening* I keep my friends close and my enemies as far away as possible but don’t tell people that, we got a good thing going with the other thing

Parkour is the act of moving through an environment in the fastest way possible. It’s all about speed and efficiency.

Now imagine the opposite of that. The slowest, least efficient way, to get to where you need to go. That’s what happens when my kid says he’s taking a shortcut.

Good cop: u want a drink?
Good cop 2: I love your shirt
Good cop 3: ur so ripped dude
Good cop 4: the bad cops are striking today, handsome

Director: Ok, this time you have to say the butter part

Owen Wilson: wow

Director: The whole thing Owen, “Wow, I can’t believe it’s not butter”

Owen Wilson: wow

“ok start it up”
tktktk-puh-buurup-chk-a-chk
“give it some gas”
ss-ss-icka-icka-grrawh-pshhhh
any ideas?
“I can’t hear over you beatboxing”

Mormon cats have 9 wives.

Cop: He’s getting away! Quickly, cut him off!

Criminal: Get outta my—

Rookie: STOP TALKING