Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you see a distressed woman in the mall screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.

Guys, freedom of speech doesn’t mean you can spell things any way you want to.

wife: [walks in door] so whats the big news?
-the baby walked!
wife: OMG where is he?
-i sent him to the store for an ice cream cake

i don’t think it’ll all fit in there

Autocorrect changed “panic attack” to “pancake attack” and now I’m hysterical AND hungry.

Programming is chaotic magic. There are no rules. You ask a game dev “Can the player summon a giant demon that bursts from the ground in an explosion of lava?” and they’ll say “sure, that’s easy” and then you’ll ask “can the player wear a scarf?” and they’ll go “oof”

[digging through lost and found]

Target employee: What are you trying to find?

Me: My son

amazon: your package is in your mailbox 🙂

me: it is not

amazon: we delivered to your mailbox already 🙂

me: i ordered a microwave it is not in my mailbox

amazon: maybe you’re looking in the wrong one?

me: that isn’t possible

amazon: put your f*****g glasses on dipshit :))

If your gym clothes don’t have sweat stains, I have just one question for you…..
…what detergent are you using?

[inventing mint choc-chip]
me: “people love ice cream right?”
boss: “yes they do”
me: “people love chocolate chips?”
boss: “i hear ya”
me: “know what else people love?”
boss: “hit me”
me: “brushing their teeth”

My wife and I play this fun game at home where one of us says, “Could you watch the kids for a minute?” and runs.

Sometimes I’ll stop the treadmill at the gym and run in place. When people ask me what I’m doing, I’ll say, “Pretend stoplight.”

If Scientists invent a pill to make us immortal, I guarantee I’d choke to death swallowing it.

My ex-gf has a new bf named Mike so I asked him if Mike is short for Micycle. now I have a black eye but it was totally worth it bc it turns out the guy RIDES A BIKE FOR FUN

dad: *holds up condoms* what are these

son: …

dad: *pulls out matches* you’re gonna smoke every last one

If you think Floyd Mayweather vs. Logan Paul is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just spent $50 to watch it.

Wait for it…😂😂😂😂😂

If you’re going to the hospital for a covid-19 test make sure you bring with you a valid form of identification along with a printout of your IMDB page and/or your Basketball Reference stats

“Are you busy tomorrow?” My dear, that entirely depends on the rest of the information you’re about to give me.

“Think outside the toy box” -my kids bs excuse for why they didn’t clean up

My 10-year-old is cleaning the kitchen. One roll of paper towels later I have the world’s cleanest kitchen stool.

I bought one of those bodybuilding spray tan machines so I look like mahogany furniture year round

As a kid I had an imaginary friend, Jerry Lapston. He had a backstory and everything. The funniest thing though was that my little brother wanted a friend too, and in a moment of youthful innocence came up with the best creepy imaginary friend name ever: Uncle Bathingsuit

based al yankovic

Why did they call it Social Anxiety and not Hey Fever

Thinking about taking a picture with a number pinned to my shirt so it looks like I run marathons.

One of my biggest talents is taking hundreds of screenshots that I swear I’ll need, but I never look at them again.

an hour into The Sound of Music “yes. this is what music sounds like.”

I have a horrible memory, unless we’re discussing something you did wrong.

[wonka factory in 2018]

Charlie: augustus is drowning

Oompa Loompa with a septum piercing: aren’t we all