This coyote won’t let me get close enough to put a sweater on him.
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Relationship Status:
Got put in the friend zone by a succubus playing around on a Ouija board.
I can’t even get lucky in the spirit world.
If you ask him what he admires most about a woman and he says brains, you’ve got yourself a zombie.
I’m exceptionally good at proofreading after I hit send.
ME: i’m having a lovely time tonight
my date: why do u keep yelling “ME” before every sentence
[flops on the ground like a fish whenever I have to make a decision]
if you push your belly button and nose at the same time your brain takes a screenshot
Hallmark movie writer’s room:
“Alright, let’s get started.”
(4 minutes later)
“OK, that’s a wrap on 27 movies, good job everyone.”
GF: So we just wanted to say we’re engaged!
HER DAD [looks at me] you should have asked me first
ME: You’re not really my type though
“Give me the bad news, Doc–how long have I got?”
“Your wife’s procedure will be an outpatient one so unfortunately you can’t go to Vegas.”
Captain Hook hated Paper Scissors Rock since he could only play Question Mark, which had no value in the game.
The very first thing I think of doing when I buy a new electrical appliance is immersing it in water so I’m really glad the instructions warn against that.
Silence is golden. Unless they’re in the shower and you can’t find their phone.
In that case, silence is very very suspicious!
Don’t sell yourself short, in fact, don’t sell yourself at all. I’m pretty sure it’s illegal
Why just pufferfish? Why not other pufferanimals?
Why not a pufferpuma?
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow- you didn’t waste any time, did you Becky
A fun thing to do is comment “that ain’t the girl you were with at the bar the other night” on all my married friends Facebook family photos
You can tell an awful lot about a person by the way they boil their underpants.
After a particularly tense morning with 4, she looks me dead in the eye and says, “Did you know there are families without moms?”
It was nice knowing you all.
I woke up with tons of motivation to go back to sleep.
[Restaurant]
Waiter: Compliments of the chef.
*He opens silver platter and post-it notes with the words ‘You’re beautiful’ pour out*
5yo: Daddy, what’s a facial?
Me: Your brother.
5yo: I don’t have a brother!?
Me: Exactly!
When the doctor asks about my sex life.
I was with my friend when he got pulled over and he said “just be cool” as if after a lifetime of trying I would suddenly figure it out then
Your call will be answered in the order in which we draw names from a hat.
[hat shop]
OWNER: Sir stop or I’ll call the police
UNICORN: [surrounded by damaged hats] No one will believe you
Me: *playing Russian roulette* you first
Him: this is an automatic
Me: my house my rules
People my age or older than me or younger than me are the worst.
If a puppy stabbed me in the face and stole my car, I’d still be like, “aww.”
[pulled over]
COP 1: any drugs or alcohol in the car?
ME: no
COP 2: told you he was a nerd
ME: nuh uh I have so much drugs
COP 1: lol gotcha
This sounds more like an accusation than a question.