Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“This is BULLSHIT” – enthusiastic manure salesman

*tree falls in forest, quickly stands up and looks around to see if anybody heard it, brushes self off*

Wait a minute—if the cat’s in the cradle, then where—

*baby in kitchen, pushing glasses off table while maintaining eye contact

Me: [uncontrollable sobbing] I can’t see you anymore. I won’t let you hurt me again.
Trainer: It was a sit-up. You did 1 sit-up.

My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.

I have 8 pens in my bag, cause you never know when an octopus will mosey along and need to sign things.

Was invited to give a talk about comedy writing to some 8th graders today and at the end the teacher asked what my main advice for kids was and I said invest in fresh water stocks as soon as possible. Wasn’t the vibe, they wrapped me up pretty quick

Billy Joel: You may be right, I may be crazy! But it just may be a lunatic you’re looking for…

Billy Joel’s 3 ex-wives: Yeah. Nope.

*throws goods on conveyor belt*

Cashier: is that all sir?

Me:”Nope. You got change for a trophy?”

did you get the job?
“i don’t know yet”
when will they tell you?
interviewer: “keith can you please ask your mum to wait in reception”

I let my dog watch “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it….Which surprised me because, he hated the book.

An apple a day will keep anyone away if you throw it hard enough

“Only God can judge me”

People who’ve never been to
Whole Foods.

don’t ask me explain this but a golden retriever is like the 1990s in dog form

I won a chocolate bunny at the carnival but it was a hollow victory.

[Showing Tom Cruise a video of me putting on a sock while standing] I do my own stunts too.

20s: Rage Against The Machine

30s: Rage Against Literally Everything

Capitalism is controlled by an “invisible hand” that gives most people the invisible finger.

😂😂

Next time you’re having a bad day just remember that alligators spend their whole lives looking like they’re trying to do a push-up.

We were watching a reality show with really annoying people and I said they made me wanna puke and my husband said he wanted to torch the TV and my 13yo was like “just let them be happy” and I don’t know how we raised a child who doesn’t know how to hate watch something properly.

I chose to wash dishes before I went to a doctors appointment yesterday, and after examining me, my new doctors first question to me was, “does your hand usually smell like chicken?”

[entering room bloody and beaten] yeah well you should see the other guy! not a scratch on him. pristine condition. altogether more pleasing to look at. huge muscles

“Adult assembly required” bro, how tf do you build an adult?

Me: *calls wife* hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places

Wife: um yeah, is this why you’re calling me?

Me: haha no… i’m stuck in the chimney

“A user interface is like a joke. If you have to explain it, it’s not a that good.”#usability #uxdesign #iOSdev

In a parallel universe calories are trying to burn people.

One day when my teenager was upset I said “It is what it is,” and now he says it to me every time I’m upset and, oh wow, it does not feel good

ME: *hugging my therapy dog* i love you so much

THERAPY DOG: same time next week and i’ll make a note to continue our boundaries discussion

“What’s taking the pharmacist so long? It’s just one prescription”
*behind the counter the pharmacist is sinking in quicksand and screaming*