This crime scene tape strung between two lampposts is NOT the finish line & these policemen are NOT cheering me on to a glorious victory 🙁
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Whoever has my voodoo doll, please pull it’s hand out of its pants.
Sketch Artist: describe the man who attacked you
Me: he had dark hair-
Sketch Artist: one sec the Peanuts Character Creator is still loading
Let’s walk barefoot on grass!
-People who have never walked a dog
The only way an adult coloring book could help calm my stress is if it was somehow edible.
God: U have to build an ark to save the animals from a tsunami
Noah: But you’re god, can’t you just stop the tsunami
God: *loves boats* No
Sorry I was late. I was trying to explain to my son how an octopus has 8 legs but not 8 feet.
“I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” seems like a great slogan for tequila
Guys will say literally anything to get laid like “you’re beautiful” or “you can have my last donut”, shit like that
I’m at that age where I can’t simply pick something up, I need to first knock it over and then pick it up.
date: I’m an expert in volcanology
me: *mouthful of bread* why do they have pointy ears?
“That’s so cool,” she lied.
You know how if a bear is about to attack you, you’re supposed to stand totally still? Your smarter friend that’s running just punkd you.
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: Sexy nurse!
H: Meet me in the bedroom.
[10 minutes later]
*we both come in wearing nurse costumes*
M: Uh.
I took some free community martial arts lessons for self-defense, but I’m starting to think Tai Chi is too slow for most muggers.
[me, explaining my weird bedroom TV setup to my date]
We can watch whatever you want as long as it’s YouTube, Netflix, or any of the Jason Bourne movies b/c those are the only DVDs I own.
Artist: I wonder why my back hurts all the time
Artist while drawing:
I have a phone interview today and someone told me to “just be myself” so I’m not going to answer the call
Of course I’m a mom, why else would I hide in the laundry room to eat cake?
[after I cut a bagel] would you like the side that is somehow three times larger than the original bagel or the side that is the first object ever to have only two dimensions
“My mom is a total MILK.”
— 14-year old, Norman Bates
Just saw a boneless KFC commercial followed by an ad for apple flavored beer. Anyone remember when adults didn’t act like five year olds?
Me: ‘Tell me another scary story.’
Pharmacist: ‘Sir, for the last time, they aren’t stories.’
The best way to tell someone you don’t like them is to text them 370HSSV 0773H and tell them to read it upside down.
The door bell rang, I opened and saw my lost sock lying on the porch. I brought it in quietly and we both decided just to let it go.
I scream “You haven’t seen the last of me!” & follow with maniacal laughter before slowly backing away.
The pharmacist smiles kindly.
“Do you know how fast you were going?”
75 in a 55. I’m sorry officer.
“Get out of the car.”
*Cop cuddles driver*
“Stop doing this. I worry.”
Wife: Where’d you buy my gift?
Me: Bed Bath & Beyond
Wife: You used a coupon right?
Me: Coupon?
*wife faints*
Ma’am, I don’t know why they transferred you to this department, let me transfer you back to the number you first called 30 minutes ago.
Whoever’s job it is to make sure
I eat before I drink is fired.
Day 1: Buys $8.00
organic raspberries.Day 2: Moldy.
Repeat weekly.