Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Everyone says they want a fairytale wedding. But when I show up and curse their firstborn, suddenly I’m the jerk…

As a mom, I’m super excited about the rock collection my daughter just told me she’s starting.

If you want to keep people away from you, just have a conversation with yourself at the supermarket self checkout, like there’s an employee there:
Me: Did you find everything you need today?
Me: Yes, thank you.
Me: Whatchu got planned for today?
Me: Just relaxing

[on a date]

Him: I love the law.

Me: [trying to impress] I like food courts.

My favorite question is “are you a real person?” and the answer is no. I’m a sewer rat who discovered an old iphone and is now using it for nefarious purposes. Hope that settles that.

Flight attendant: Can I get you something to drink?

Me: What kind of gravy do you have?

*puts bread in toaster* hmm something strange about the toaster today

Duck(from in toaster): no there isnt

No one has done the dishes for like a week so I finally did the responsible thing and bought some paper plates.

Due to unfortunate circumstances things are no longer fergalicious nor bootylicious

I would be so good at soccer not due to athleticism but due to my keen intellect and my ability to think outside the box. Everyone would be like “Wow he’s using his hands. Nobody has ever thought to do that before”

Nailed it…🗑️🐇😅

The Odyssey must have seemed like such a goofy title when it came out. Imagine if someone nowadays wrote a book about a guy named Steve and called it The Stevening and it was taught it every school 1000 years later

I caught my 3yo singing “And a partridge in a pantry”

[stabbing you with a knife]

I’m just being sarcastic, lighten up.

For your final meal request to eat the electric chair and then the warden will be like well now what do we do he ate our electric chair

“We can argue all day about the rights and wrongs, Barbara, but it won’t change the fact that we’re out of toilet paper”

How times have changed.

i guess his teacher was really pissed

Me: It’s time to lose my quarantine 15.

Girl Scouts: Hold my cookies.

shop assistant: can i help you find something?

me: a meaningful connection in an improbable world filled with chaotic and ultimately meaningless coincidences

shop assistant:

me: or laundry detergent

It was pouring rain. As I walked into the store, my feet slipped & I slid toward a random man walking out. He had a huge bag of pet food on his shoulder. The panicked look on his face as he tried to decide whether to drop the bag & grab me or NOT was a like a whole Russian novel.

I hate the word Fiancée. Why do i have to speak french just because youre getting married

When I misplace something and you say “where did you have it last” I feel like you don’t know what misplace means.

When the zombie apocalypse comes and you’re in Walmart, how will you know?

Of course I wear a mask. It came with the white van.

Pac-Man gave me very unrealistic expectations about my ability to run away from ghosts.

People should throw rice at baptisms and not weddings that little baby is all wet and needs help drying.

kinda want to get my dog to bark for 2 minutes as my voice mail so no one ever leaves me one again

who called it a toilet and not an IP address