“This custard-filled donut will be bought… by a murderer!”
-The Eclairvoyant
You Might Also Like
I asked my 6 year old if he wanted to try out again for the school play and he said no I think I’ll take a break from Hollywood.
[high school]
ME: *getting stuffed in my locker* jokes on you buddy, I have snacks in here
GYM COMMERCIAL: sign up now with no commitment
ME: finally a program for me
I’m not mad at Bezos for going into space. I’m mad at him for coming back.
The electric toothbrush battery died but luckily my skill set allows me to use it like a manual.
New nose
WEDDING SUPERSTITION: It is bad luck to get married.
“What fruit or vegetable extract have we not said was good for your hair yet?”
~Shampoo developers probably
Average Guy: [writes her a song]
Girl: “Yeah, whatever.”Hot Guy: “Sup.”
Girl: “Oh my god, you’re so creative!”
got three hours sleep & i fell great! seems li the less less sleep I get the move alarr et u ambdcim
I have good and bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
We need a new front door
WIFE: And the good news?
[points to Monster Truck in living room]
*brings a gun to a knife fight*
*brings a gun to a pillow fight*
*brings a gun to a food fight*
who keeps inviting this guy
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: omg what did I do, why don’t you want to have sex with me anymore?
insane that you have to defend yourself at the end of the ph.d. why are you attacking me i’m so tired
king kong winces in agony after stepping on a lego store
Disney say they’re going to make Mickey Mouse’s hands smaller for “realism”.
Well, not on my watch.
Thank god it‘s friday. Only 40 more years of working.
Sure, tell me about the dream you had. It will give me a chance to count my teeth with my tongue.
I thought I Kuwait but
then I Saudi Turkey
and my Bahrain was like
Oman I Israel Hungary
so Iran.
89% of my class in high school thought I was good in math because I’m Asian. Luckily the other 27% were smarter than that.
Before Google, if you didn’t know something you had to go ask someone and most of the time they couldn’t help you, and now that’s also how Google works
an octopus is just a wet spider
ME: I lied in my interview.
BOSS: what was the lie?
ME: all lies. except about my aunt.
BOSS: she wants to party with me?
ME: big time.
[5 mins after seeing our neighbour’s new boat]
wife: “everything’s a competition to you”
me: [trying to find the moon on eBay] “no it’s not”
If you turn the ceiling fan on high enough, you don’t have to sweep.
Rubs Vaseline in his eyes so I match my Instagram filter
Fun fact: On national donut day, offer the cop a donut, you won’t get a ticket.
Same with beer.. just not the one you’re drinking..
Her: (Sigh) How did you burn the Thanksgiving Turkey?
Me: I followed the directions. 20 minutes a pound at 325 degrees. I weigh 175 pounds!
The crappy spread on the sandwiches totally ruined the funeral reception I was at yesterday. I told them “I can’t bereave. It’s not butter”.
Me: Is there something wrong with your pasta?
4-year-old: It’s not a doughnut.