Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Some random person just tilled my and my neighbors’ garden sometime during the night.

I’m afraid we’re dealing with a serial tiller.

That very depressing moment when you find out the fire alarm that went off at work was just a test

I put my shoes on like everyone else. I beckon for my footman, Chauncey, and he does it straightaway. Your guy probably has a different name

Eddie Murphy at the premiere of Purple Rain, 1984.

You may recognize me from many TikTok videos playing the role of Mom Who Talks Because She Doesn’t Know Camera Is On

{first date}

HIM: Your profile says you like Shakespeare. What’s your favorite?
ME [nervous]: Uh…William?

Tired of people being like “here’s my go-to easy meal” and then starting to preheat the oven

4: Mommy, you’re just like a Disney movie. We should play pretend.
Me: Aww! Sure!
4:You can be the Beast.
Me: …
4: Or the fat sea witch!

🤯🤯🤯

Me: The dog gives me more kisses because he loves me the most.
Him: No, it’s because you never wipe the ice cream off your chin.

A new study shows that people who have a rich social life, live longer. In other news, I died in 1982.

first person to make a calzone: *looking at pizza* I can fix him

I like my men like I like my books; easy to read and waiting for me in bed. … And does the dishes. Ok this isn’t working

Why pay for therapy when the lady in the Starbucks drive thru window is willing to listen to you venti?

“I’s up here!” – Popeye calling down from the crow’s nest.

A good way to make friends is to crawl under the bathroom stall quickly before they can get away

Sending an insult with a typo is like laughing at someone for tripping and falling and then tripping and falling right front of them.

FOOL-PROOF PICKUP LINE:

you’re tall for a woman

[she gets real mad right here]

*place hand on hers*

but the perfect height for an angel

Alhumdulillah my country is full of talent

I said “You’re not the boss of me” to my boss and it came true.

6-year-old: What if dementors attack our house?

Me: They can’t get in.

6: Why not?

Me: My patronus is a screaming toddler.

I am the boss of me. And my wife is my boss’s boss.

America sucks rn. I’m moving to the USA!

PILOT: sorry for the delay, everyone. we’ll make up some time in the air
[1 hr later]
PILOT: it is now 67:91 o’clock guys

Pfizer: Our vaccine is 90% effective.

Me who always gets the lemon skittle: oh no

Before I had a kid I thought, god, I wish I could say “please put your shoes on” 17,000 times every morning.

My dreams have come true.

How dare you with another bird…😏😂🦜

There are some people that, when you think about them, you just feel better. And that’s nice.

Where does the Easter Bunny lay his eggs?!

In the grass..

So WHAT DO WE SMOKE TO CELEBRATE?!

[all the children]

Grass??

Yessssss.