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Parents who say “I’m not going to say it again” always say it again.
Sorry I yelled “chug it” to your baby, as you were breastfeeding.
Just used a stiletto heel to open an Amazon package.
Next up – that impossible to reach, itchy spot in the middle of my back.
When I get cold in a movie theater, I pull a CVS receipt out of my purse and use it as a blanket.
If you’re wearing slippers in the car, the chances of your child needing you to run in somewhere increase by 500%.
Why do people say “Cannonball” when jumping into a pool, but no one says “I’m jumping into a pool” when firing a cannonball #Interesting
*hires skywriter*
YOU CAN’T BLOCK ME
My weight? That’s on a need to know basis and I don’t need to know!
My teen would like you to know I ruined her life when I did her laundry today.
Adopt your boss.
They can’t tell you what to do if they’re grounded.
Atlantic Canada was hit with its heaviest snowfall in 20 years. If you live in Atlantic Canada, you…probably noticed.
My boyfriend & I each had a cat when we moved in together. Normally, mine sits with me and his sits with him. But tonight we are sitting in each others chairs, so now we are sitting with each others cats.
Turns out, our cats are attached to the spots they sit, not us at all 😂
If I had a parrot I’d teach it to say “I know where they buried the bodies”
Wanna know what it’s like being married?
Chain yourself to a wild animal.
Now kick the animal.
People always tell me to act my age so I bought expensive cheese.
just got on my email and unsubscribed from a bakery that i bought a cake from 3 years ago. after unsubscribing they sent another email saying ‘are you sure a friend didn’t unsubscribe you by mistake’? how often is that situation happening.
*goes in fridge; makes sandwich*
*grabs beer*
*sits on couch; turns on TV*Him: Ma’am, this is an open house
Me: I need the full experience
My daughters took turns tracing each other over and over with chalk.
Now it looks like 25 children were murdered in my driveway.
*dad walks up to me stroking his beard* son, where do we keep the dog treats again? Im hun- *beard falls off revealing my dog. he runs away*
I always carry a piece of paper with me, just in case someone tries to attack me with a rock.
God: you’re really fast.
Deer: ok.
God: so whenever you sense danger I want you to-
Deer: run away right?
God: no, just [freezes in place].
Deer: got it wait-what?
God: you know just [freezes in place again].
“How you like dem apples?”
“Just shut up and eat, Frank.”
Each and every pizza can be a personal pizza if you just believe in yourself and don’t have any friends.
If you send me $100, I will send you an audio of me naked saying “Thanks”.
When I say something occurred under mysterious circumstances it means I forgot the circumstances.
[giving eulogy for friend i let borrow my jacket] ill tell you what i miss most
Dudes who take one picture in a suit then start posting about success, just go to the wedding bro.
Getting my drone stuck in the tree isn’t the worst thing that happened to me today.
But it’s definitely up there.
Couldn’t find regular eggs so i just bought 3 dozen Cadbury caramel eggs because where there’s a will there’s a way
Do not ask me to cheer you up. I will take you to a bar and ruin both our lives