This day in history. 1634. The Irish House of Commons passed An Act for the Punishment for the Vice of Buggery, prodded so to speak to do so by Anglican bishop John Atherton who was later the first to be hanged for the crime.
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“Sensitive” guys who only retweet chicks, you’re not fooling anyone.
Does anybody know how many toddlers you have to bring to ‘Toys For Tots’ before you’re eligible for an Xbox?
I can’t believe one of you losers hasn’t married me yet
Please stop calling it carpal tunnel syndrome. It sounds pathetic and weak . What I have is gamer stigmata
Nice try, NASA
Rest assured?!
Buddy I have young children, the only thing I’m assured of, is that I won’t be resting for long
I love ordering from Panera because it’s always a surprise. Am I going to get the spinach-egg white-avocado sandwich I ordered, or perhaps a steak and egg bagel? Maybe a lovely tomato soup for breakfast? It’s like a don’t-pick-your-own adventure!
Me: *leads her to bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
Her: Nice
*4 rabbits jump out of a hat as a flower squirts water in her eye
My kids are gone for the WHOLE day.
I miss them SO much, I can barely bring myself to pop this 3rd bottle of Champagne.
People ask “how did the Victorians come up with crazy stories like Dracula and Dorian Gray” and then you realize literally everything was poison. The wallpaper was coated in arsenic, babies were given opium for teething problems, you could die from wearing a hat
Getting a man to do something I’m perfectly capable of doing.
COP: “Sir, do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “It was way easier than solving a murder?”
I don’t honk at women because I don’t let a girl know she’s attractive with the same thing I use to scare ducks from in front of my car.
WAITRESS: anything else?
ME: check please
SERVIRKA: Něco dalšího?
Me: I signed my son up for an appointment with a child psyhcologist
Doctor: That’s me
Me: but you’re an adult
Doctor: and a child psychologist
Me: how
[Old west saloon owner]: make it so the floorboards don’t creak when regular patrons walk in but do creak when a mysterious stranger walks in
Carpenter: …what
I love my family: I bought a really cool green gourd at the grocery store on the way to the beach & everyone’s first thought is we need to do a photo shoot of the gourd on the beach
Up until five minutes ago I thought Coachella was a Disney Princess who made expensive handbags.
In my life Ive spent 90% of my money on drugs, drinking and women. The other 10% I wasted.
Not to brag but I read the instructions before I did something today. I didn’t follow them, but still.
Medium: You want to contact your late husband?
Me: Yes.
Medium: How do you intend to pay for this?
Me: OMG it’s him.
wife: honey did you see the new player piano I bought
me: *stops googling can ghosts play the piano* yes I did
Unfortunately, the house having ‘period features’ turned out to mean we had to get the decorators in once a month.
North Korea banned the use of sarcasm towards the government; I wouldn’t last an hour before they executed me.
That awkward moment when twins realize that one of them was not planned
ME AS A MARRIAGE COUNSELOR:
I signed you both up for Tinder*1 week later
ME: You still want a divorce?
THEM: OMG NO THAT WAS HORRIFYING
ATTRACTIVE WOMAN: What time is it?
ME: Haha. Yeah definitely
Name please
“Yo-Yo Ma”
Your full name
[quietly] “Yoghurt-Yoghurt Marmalade”
Marvellous mathematical takedown of a Motivational Poster
