This day in history. 1634. The Irish House of Commons passed An Act for the Punishment for the Vice of Buggery, prodded so to speak to do so by Anglican bishop John Atherton who was later the first to be hanged for the crime.
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Nothing can destroy your good opinion of a company quicker than working for them.
great now I have to die before I can get a hot dog
How long do you have to stop eating a meal before calling it leftovers?
My insomnia has it’s own toothbrush in my bathroom.
Maybe raccoons aren’t really digging through trash for food,
Maybe they’re just looking for something to remove their eye shadow.
He was a sperm,
she was an egg
can i make it anymore ovulous
i bet there’s a couple seconds on that medieval torture stretcher rack where it feels incredible
While eating as a guest at other people’s homes, I’m thinking their dogs are genetically obligated
to-convince you they’ve never, ever been fed.
I can’t stop thinking about how a tanning bed really turns you into the human version of a gas station hot dog.
Only a fool would use the toothbrush the dentist gives you. You think the dentist would freely hand you the tools that would keep them away?
Walmart: Did you find everything you were looking for?
Me: Well, I couldn’t find-
W: *finger to my lips* Shhh! I don’t actually care.
Don’t charge people for Twitter itself but charge them every time they tweet
Would stop most of the arguments on here. No way am I spending money debating with Loves_2_Spooge69 on why Spider-man having an extra line on his mask in NWH is ok.
Accidentally drew my eyebrows on too dark and thick and now I live on Sesame Street with Ernie.
Did you know, that just by pretending to pee in the shower, you could meet Home Depot’s Chief of Security.
I don’t always say ‘oops’, but when I do, it’s usually ten minutes after I have a brilliant idea.
I asked which vaccine she got💀💀💀
Yes, but it was never about money
Don’t talk down to me
[ Police interrogation room ]
Perp: I ain’t telling you shit.
Bad cop: We have ways to make a smooth criminal talk.
Thriller cop: You look like a pretty young thing.
Perp: I moisturize. Still ain’t telling you shit.
“Hey can you take our picture?”
ME: yea sure
*takes picture*
ME: wait sorry, The Flash was turned on
THE FLASH: *blushing in the background*
Used dog shears to trim my split ends. This is a beauty account now.
Me: *works out entire body a lot*
Arms: Lol no
Abs: Ehhh
Butt: haha what
Thighs: I WILL BE THE LARGEST IN THE UNIVERSE
Why do they have the Met gala on a monday? the celebs probably have to come straight from from work
Kidnapper: we have your wife
Me: you sonofa-it was HER turn to take the kids to the park today!
Every homemade dinner counts as negative calories because of the exercise we get waving pillows at the smoke detectors.
the subway employee asks me what kind of cheese i would like on my sandwich, so i lean in, look them directly in the eyes & whisper, “haunted.”
doctor: can you describe the pain?
me: i have a knife sticking into me
doctor: so is it a dull or sharp pain
me: sharp
doctor: like a knife?
me: yes, exactly that
doctor: *proudly* its my first day
having twitter is just like reading the newspaper except the newspaper is on fire and all the writers hate you
When I call you Hun, it’s short for Atilla.