Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I washed my antibiotic pills down with a probiotic shake and now I’m back to square one.

Made my wife laugh so hard that she spit out her milk so I said, “At least you’re consistent” & the laugh got replaced with a steak knife.

I hated Sex Ed at school. Or ‘Sexy Edward’, to give him his full name.

“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!”

*passionately grabs your face and starts French kissing your forehead*

Becoming a grandparent is the one time it’s acceptable to choose your own nickname and people blow it EVERY TIME. Why would you be Grampy when you could be DEATHBLADE.

Land animals by legs:

0: Probably a snake.
1: Not a snake.
2: You/Monkey.
3: Uh…
4: Varies, probably safe-ish.
>4: AAAAH KILL IT WITH FIRE.

“Are you listening?”
“Yes.”
“Are you REALLY listening?”
“I really am.”
“But I mean, are you-”
“I’m not gonna say it, Dave.”

“Hi yes I’d like to attempt the Cheeseburger challenge”
“Very good sir”
[ripped as hell cheeseburger runs out of the kitchen & bodyslams me]

meanwhile underwater, fish scientists continue to be baffled by rain. “it’s like the sky is pretending to be the ocean because birds are jealous of us,” said one bluefin tuna wearing a lab coat

Wife: Why are you wearing that?

Me: I wanted to dress a little bisqué

Wife: You mean risqué?

Me: *wearing shirt soaked in lobster soup* No I’m pretty sure I’m right

Stop telling people to grow up. Have you seen adults?!?
For the love of God everyone, please stop growing up!

Indians will wait 25 years to have sex but not 25 seconds for the traffic signal to turn green.

“You’re tattoos will look bad when you’re older”
So will the rest of me, what’s your point?

Stop fingering it and put it in your mouth is not the best choice of words when speaking to your teenager about her dinner..
I know this now

I dreamt I was drowning in the ocean, and woke up spitting on my pillow.
So yeah, you can say I get pretty wet n wild in bed.

Sure the blue urinal cakes LOOK delicious but I’ve learned my lesson

No one is more surprised than my kids every night when i say it’s bed time.

If the Bing chatbot isn’t called Chandler, then what’s the point of anything anymore.

I bet someone said “Do what makes you happy” to Hitler too.

My daughter asked me for money on a FaceTime call and I pretended like the screen froze up and she tells me, “Mother, the ceiling fan is still moving.”

The student has surpassed the master

Cat: What are you doing?

Me: Nothing.

Cat: You were looking at younger cats again.

Me: No

Cat: Show me your Instagram feed.

Me: No way.

Doctor: Are you allergic to anything?
Me: Cats
Doctor: Anything else?
Me: Grease
Doctor: is that everything?
Me: Most musicals to be honest.

Opened the back door and a tiny lizard fell from the sky. It’s either a sign, or the smallest plague ever.

If the kids knew there was a light in the attic, they would leave that one on too.

PMS: You okay?
ME: Terrific.
PMS: I may have pushed too far this month.
ME: [in a bathtub full of chocolate pudding] No, we’re cool.

This afternoon a crew of men were installing Christmas lights on a house down the street. The next thing I hear is a boy yelling, “It’s not Decemberrrrrr!!”
That’s how I knew my son was home from school.

4yo: You have wrinkles.

My Friend: Those are pillow indentations.

Me: But you have them every day.

Friend: I sleep every night.

recruiter: u should join the army
octopus: buddy I’m army enough as it is

This chapter of my life is called.

“Pushing a pull door”

my favorite childhood memory is fast metabolism