This day in history. 1675. English king Charles II ordered that all coffee houses be closed because the populace was becoming alarmingly alert.
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Can I be wracked with something other than guilt. Like. Can I be wracked with spaghetti.
I don’t usually complain about the way people decorate their cubicles Tina but you should know my entire family was killed by a dachshund.
None of the parenting books prepared me for my teen asking me what “the carpet matches the drapes” means.
i dont have time for this
My husband wants to install surround sound because apparently what our family really needs is to hear Let it Go with 360 audio.
[Stares deeply into date’s eyes before going to the bathroom]
“I’ve counted these fries.”
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
Me: What a gorgeous day! I’m going to *make the most of it.
*Pulls open the blackout curtains exactly one inch
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
ME: Okay, what exactly do you think bulls look like?
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE CONSTELLATIONS: 1 straight line and 2 bendy ones. That’s bulls.
Brother: The holidays are coming up fast. Are you excited?
Me: Of course I’m excited. *prepays 25 therapy sessions*
So in Ohio if they say ‘it’s raining cats and dogs’ does that mean they’re having an all-you-can-eat buffet?
Date etiquette: The smaller fork is a salad fork. Use the larger fork to eat the salad fork.
Parents be like “why aren’t you eating, don’t you like my food?” and after you eat a ton, they’ll say “you look a little chubby, maybe you should eat less.”
Flowers die, my love, so instead I shall give you a bouquet of Keith Richards.
cop: you were driving 30 mph under the speed limit
me: my in-laws are staying with us for a while, longer the commute the better
cop: you need to maintain the speed limit
me: *knocks book out of cops hands*
cop: are you trying to get arrested
me: yes please
There are too many movies about vampire hunters and not enough about vampire gatherers.
Googles discreet, motion-activated cameras so I can finally figure out who is drinking directly from the milk carton.
“I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For” is my favourite song about opening and closing the fridge 150 times a day
AVENGERS ASSEMBLE
THOR – “here”
HULK – “here”
IRON MAN – “here”
CAPT. AMERICA – “here”
USELESS ARROW GUY – …
I SAID-
HAWKEYE- I HEARD YOU
I see my dentist every six months to make sure my records are up to date for body identification.
Act normal. Act normal. Act normal. ActnormalactnormalactnormalACTNORMALDAMNITactnormal
I bet Morgan Freeman’s book reports were epic.
My wife: That’s not the clothes I sent her to playschool in.
Me: But she’s the right kid?
Wife: Yes. But…
Me: Cool. I’m going to play Playstation.
I have 2 friends that are trying to become models, and I’m just over here with 75 chicken mcnuggets in my cheeks like a squirrel.
These boots were made for walking, and that’s just what they’ll do. One of these day–oh goddamn it. Did you glue these to the floor, Carl?!
Plucked an unruly wiry white hair from my head and then missed it instantly 😔
My 6-year-old is looking at pictures of me when I was 18 and she keeps saying “You still look the same!” Might write her siblings out of the will and leave everything to her idk
ME: *does something stupid*
I hope no one saw me do thatALSO ME: *texting all my friends* Listen to what I just did