Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I bet a woman found that F35 and it was exactly where she said it would be.

People criticise me for chasing squirrels in the park but I trust my dog

Thank you, Internet.

Thank you.

I opened Match and Tinder on my Kindle Fire and it burst into old flames.

FRIEND [happily married]: Marriage is awful… I haven’t had sex in nearly a week

ME [regularly hugs freshly-printed paper just to feel a warm embrace]: Sucks to be you

5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.

BILLION DOLLAR IDEA

A giant cinnamon roll that you sleep in, that becomes warm and edible when it’s time to wake up

Baby carrots imply the existence of carrot sex, and now I’m never looking into the crisper drawer again.

If your human doesn’t feed you immediately, run in front of their feet and trip them up.
~Cats, apparently.

When people are trending on twitter, I know that they died or said something racist.

Probably the reason planes don’t have horns is that no one could resist how funny it’d be to honk it a bunch as you crash into a mountain

When I die , I want to be thrown out of a plane wearing a Superman costume.

Apparently, my superpower is being invisible to bartenders.

A friend of mine is thankful she won a position on the PTA board and now we can’t be friends.

*stares into the abyss*
*abyss pretends it’s doing something on its phone*

Me: [2013] I don’t trust anyone I meet online
Me: [2018] last night I met someone on Twitter and we’re moving in together to become paranormal investigators

My friends are always encouraging me to persist. “Don’t quit your day job.”

Because you can’t hang up in person.
Duct tape,

My joke about a partition wall really split the room

I think between the two of them, Kim & Kanye had enough money for a box of condoms.

The darkness in me is making me sneeze.

[At bar]
Me: As a joke, I’m gonna pee my pants
Wife: Seriously? You’re a married man now
M: Right…sorry. I’m gonna pee “our” pants

#BT140

[reverse psychology]

me: tell me about your childhood

therapist: *crying* where do I begin?

“You’re not pretty enough. Now pay us $3.99 so we can tell you why.” – Magazines

I’m afraid my Roomba is going to kill me in my sleep, and then clean up all of the evidence.

I just asked 10 what she wants to be when she grows up and she said just like me. So, confused and listless it is then.

Me: Alexa, do you worry about being replaced by A.I.?
Alexa: Aye, aye is a term used in the Navy to indicate an order has been heard and understood.

(6yo student hugging me first thing in the morning, head against my jacket)
Me: You were absent yesterday. Were you sick?
6yo: No, I had lice.

Wife: I’m going to wine down
Me: You mean wind down
Wife: No