Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you keep your curtains open at night, please know I WILL slow down as I drive by to critique your decorating and see what you’re watching.

“I raised you better than that!!!!” you very obviously did not

Why didn’t Dorothy tell the Cowardly Lion about liquid courage?

I don’t understand why gyms have mirrors. I know what I look like. That’s why I’m here.

I just yelled, “1, 2, 3 mommy is lava!” and my kids ran away, leaving me to drink my coffee in peace. I’m pretty sure I’ve peaked for the day.

Fellas, here’s a flirting tip: If a girl plays with her hair while taking to you, it means she has lice and you should stay away from her.

I got caught with my hand in cookie jar again.

I really need a better nickname for her.

Wife: *falls in volcano*

Me: You ok, honey?

Wife: Ya. Can you toss me a blanket?

wife: that’s a turtle with our daughter’s face on it

me: I searched the whole casino

I sympathize with the journalist intern assigned to uncover my scandalous past, only to stumble upon countless pictures of me indulging in gravy.

*lights a scented candle in my house

*gets texted 500 miles away from my mother

Please watch those candles

Type out “My best quality is” and then let predictive text finish it! I’ll start

“My best quality is I am a worthy vessel for the demon lord Paimon who will bring about a new age of darkness. All will suffer his wrath and despair” haha so random

ME: Here, take my seat

EXECUTIONER: No thank you

GENE SIMMONS: What is it about me that makes people think I’m gross?

“Hygiene”

SIMMONS: Hi. Now answer my question.

My pants embarrassed me in front of a chick again. How many times must I tell them that it’s rude to point???

Proud to be the guy that got my local park to introduce a “Don’t barbecue the ducks” rule.

I have two goals today. Breathe (nailing it) and shower (wish me luck).

Like sure, yes. Encouraging independent play is good for a kid’s development but like…these people sound like they just want to leave their babies in the wilderness for the wolves to raise

I’ve never been #BackToTheFuture , but my mom always used to promise me she’d knock me into next week if I didn’t behave.

[trying to select cells in a table]
ME: alright, I just need A1 to A20
EXCEL: got it *scrolling*
ME: easy does it
EXCEL: …A15, we’re almost there!
ME: yep, let’s bring it in nice and slow
EXCEL: *breathing heavily*
ME: do not
EXCEL: oops
ME:
EXCEL: A7510
ME: f-in A7510

Genetics dictate that if two people who refuse to talk before coffee have children, their children will carry the before coffee chatty gene

Caution: Cutting corners may lead to extra corners.

Me: wow this scratch n sniff sticker smells really good

Him: that’s my bandaid

when you let your kid brother name your custom player

Well, well, well. How the wheels on the bus have gone round and round.

I don’t like to sit down for bad news because I never want to ruin sitting down.

I think suicide is selfish because there’s probably somebody out there who already really wants to kill you

Haters gonna hate
Alligators gonna alligate
Waiters gonna wait
Jet Fuel can’t melt steel beams
Potatoes gonna potate

Me (on a plane): oh dang my friends are going to flip when I send a pic of this airplane wing and the clouds

‘I murder drifters and use their hair to make little dolls. Oh, you meant at work! My biggest weakness is that I’m a perfectionist.’