This day in history. 1844. Morse sent the first telegraph message WHAT HATH GOD WROUGHT? to Alfred Vail who replied I AM NOT WEARING PANTS.
You Might Also Like
I do not hit my children. However, I do text them in complete sentences with capitalization and punctuation, which is apparently equally aggressive.
best buy employee: can i help you find anything
me: uh i’m good
best buy employee: ok well if you have any questions i’m colin
me: how’d you get in my house colin
i’ve dated so many tools i could open a home depot
Being my friend is great because I will probably make you a lasagna at some point but terrible because I will make you listen to a five hour Spotify playlist
Growing out my freckles.
Look what the cat dragged in!
*freaks out remembering I don’t have a cat and house was built on top of a pet cemetery*
Ok parents who have really clean houses, do you have outdoor pets and outdoor kids? How does this work?
Not sure what to say when asked about the bruise on my face, because the truth is I walked into the side mirror of my truck.
At the bank and the teller asked the guy in front of me “how are you doing” and he took a deep breath and said “not great my cat f****ng hates me”
So it’s my turn and I go “that was the weirdest thing I’ve heard waiting in line here” and the teller says “I’ve met his cat. She does hate him.”
What is happening?
me: did you even eat lunch today?
10: yea
me: what’d you have?
10: i haaaaad cheezits, ice cream and a rice crispy treat
me: your mom is gonna kill me.
Car just drove through the front of my house, because he forgot his corrective lenses. It was a bad case of contactless delivery.
You know when you use hedge trimmers but can quite get the line straight so keep cutting more and more till there’s not a lot left?
Anyway, 10 now has a short haircut
I used to be God’s gift to women but now I’m God’s gift to the clickbait advertising industry.
I’ve never been in love… But I imagine its similar to the feeling you get when you see your waiter arriving with your food.
Radiohead fans, this is for you.
friend: have u seen garfield as spiderman?
me: omg not yet is there a tail hole in his suit??
friend: it’s andrew garf-
me: *nodding, sitting back down* andrew garfield
I was 14 on tumblr stressed af about net neutrality, I ain’t even know what the shit meant
My GF called me “behind the times” today. I got so upset, I paused the VCR, paged my friends & asked them to fax me their best advice.
My wife wants me to stay on twitter because she doesn’t want me to tell her 10 jokes a day.
NASA: what makes u qualified for our mission to mars?
ME: i desperately want to be shot into deep space, where there are definitely no geese
Every day of school:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP
Kids:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP5 AM, every weekend:
Kids [standing by my bed]: We’re bored.
“Two messages, Sir. First, your tea has run out”
“Correct English is ‘you’ve run out of tea’. What else?”
“You’ve walked out of wife”
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: I bet it was to compliment my excellent driving. You’re so sweet to give me positive reinforcement. Bye now. *drives off*
*drops exactly one thinly-sliced piece of ham in each child’s Halloween bag*
To the idiots who say ghosts aren’t real, maybe you should watch this documentary called Ghostbusters.
Gang initiations from the Midwest be like “you have to eat the entire potato salad”
[Commercial for lawnmowers]
[Exhausted looking guy stood in his garden]
*Stabs a long sword into the grass*
“There has to be a better way”
[Afterlife]
Bird 1: All he had was one rock.
Bird 2: His aim was perfection.
The bad news: I shaved off my beard.
The good news: none of my co-workers recognize me and have stopped talking to me.
Wife: Do the dishes
Me: Can’t. Holding the baby
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Can’t. Baby
Wife: Change the baby
Me: Can’t. Doing dishes.