This day in history. 1844. Morse sent the first telegraph message WHAT HATH GOD WROUGHT? to Alfred Vail who replied I AM NOT WEARING PANTS.

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My roommate’s boyfriend has been here for 9 consecutive days and nights which is fine except i cant stand being in his presence and everything he does deeply infuriates me. going to start leaving subtle hints that he should go home like for example lighting his shoes on fire


Saw a guy smoking while pumping gas & at first glance thought ‘wow that’s not safe’ & at second glance thought ‘wow that guy’s on fire’


My beef with you is that you’re too chicken to pork me.



me: may I clear your plates?
customer: thanks
me: *sits down to finish their fries*


My girlfriend told me she loved me and wanted to marry me so I shot her in self defense.


I take it personally when I let a car cut in front of me and then they immediately get into another lane. Come back you are with me now.


Oh, so my credit card company will call if they think there are “suspicious charges” but they won’t call to check on how I’m doing after seeing I went to the same McDonald’s twice in one day?!


The amount of time my phone spends plugged in you may as well call it a landline