Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I basically called this earlier today

*buys two $5 copies of Math For Dummies*

*pays $47.00*

Why do my fully charged AirPods deplete at different rates? Do I listen harder out of one ear?

this has to be peak English

thank god Hinge doesn’t do a year end wrapped. I would have to walk into the sea with pockets full of stones

Cats playing poker makes more sense. Dog’s tails would be a tell.

Last night my 4yo said a prayer for all the people in the world including “Africa, Asia and Syrup.” From now on, I will be referring to Europe only as Syrup.

This happened in my sink by accident and it looks like I’m trying to cast a spell to summon soup

My boss is so lazy he just clutched his chest and tumbled down the stairs and now he’s asleep at the bottom.

[Heaven]

God: Sorry I pulled you away from earth

Stan Lee: Nuff said!

God: It’s just part of the job

Stan Lee: well with great power… [winks]

*a jerk tries to punch me but I catch it perfectly in my mouth and swallow him whole like a snake*

Me: Flirting is fun

Me when actually flirting: OMG HOW DO I DO THIS. WHATS A WINK. IVE FORGOTTEN HOW TO BREATHE. YOUR FACE IS TIDY. HOW DO I HUMAN. HELP.

My wife’s story about her day had 18 sub plots, two false finishes, buried the lead and introduced a new character in the third act.

[Ferrari dealership]

ME: How much for this red one?

SALESMAN: Oh, that’ll cost you a pretty penny

ME: *holding out penny wearing a small wig and lipstick*

SALESMAN: VA-VA-VA-VOOM!

[texting]
WIFE: need to talk when u get home
ME: about what
WIFE: too much to text just wait till u get home
ME: *never goes home*

My package got from New York to Chicago in the same business day. Over the next four days it has traveled less than 20 miles, although it moves every day. I think it is walking here.

You don’t have to do it my way, you could do it wrong also.

4 can’t go to sleep tonight because she’s “too short to sleep” and I honestly don’t even know how to address this new level of sleep delay mastery.

A man threatened to sue a magazine for using his photo in a story about all hipsters looking the same — only to learn it’s not him in the picture

Princess: U alone?
Luigi: Ya. Mario lookin 4 u underwater.
P: lol. wut?
L: ya idk. meet up?
P: sure. go-karts
L: k i’ll bring bananas

Handing over my ID at the post office.

The clerk said “You’ve aged quite a bit since this photo was taken.”

I said “Yes, I had it taken just before I joined this queue.”

Non-stick pan manufacturers: Do not scrub the pan roughly

Also non-stick pan manufacturers: *will stick their label right in the middle of the pan with glue that never comes off easy*

If y’all are gonna insist on calling those things “hoverboards,” I’ll be over here flying around with my “jetpack.”

run away with me except we’re driving so we’ll mostly sit

[first date]
Me: why isn’t a boy ant called an uncle
Date: why isn’t a girl praying mantis called a praying womantis
*we do it right there*

I realize climate change may be a problem but it doesn’t have retail employees I can record myself yelling at so what do you want from me

HR: Did you call an employee stupid?

Me: No, I asked if he knew he was stupid.

Me: “I’m having a great hair day.”

Wind: “No you’re not.”

Me: I’m a programmer.

Person 1: “make my website pls”

Person 2: “I have a billion dollar idea”

Person 3: “can you fix my printer?”

Person 4: “How do I create a table of contents in Microsoft Word?”

Neighbor: “Can you fix the building’s elevator?”