Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: “Can you please help me with my Tinder profile? I’m not having much luck”

My wife:

Me: Will I live a long and happy life? *shake, shake, shake*

SOON A DOZEN CLOWNS WILL MURDER YOU WHILE YOU SLEEP

Me: This is the worst Magic 8 Ball ever.

guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish

Whenever I get a call from a telemarketer, I just treat them like a free therapist. We can talk about my car’s extended warranty after you figure out why I’m afraid of pralines.

I am “cool” and “chill” and “stuck inside the walk in freezer.”

[leaving Whole Foods]
wife: Can you believe we only spent $100?
*bag rips*
*apple falls out*
me:
wife:
me: Well that was a waste of $100

Whenever I see a celebrity photobomb, I’m like, that’s so relatable. I too constantly ruin moments and think I’m more fun than I actually am

doctor: what’s wrong?

me: nobody can tell the time anymore

doctor: *on the intercom* janice, we’ve got another one, cancel my 38 o’clock

Me: A watched pot never boils.
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Try turning on the stove, idiot.

Me: “Leave me alone! I’m confident in who I am and I know my worth!”

Dollar General Employee: “Sir, these shelves aren’t designed to support your weight please get down from there.”

Woman came up to me in Target & whispered, “You have toilet paper hanging out of your shorts.”
I said, “Well don’t you have nerve. No one EVER bothers me about my tail at the WalMart.”

Me: For dinner we’re having Fettucine Alfredo

Alfredo: Fettucine and what?

*puts on workout clothes*

*opens a jumbo size bag of Doritos*

Ok, so maybe the best time to break the news about how many years of school there are was NOT after a rough day at kindergarten.

Maybe pandas can eat more foods than bamboo but no one has ever offered them a Twizzler.

He had the strength of ten men and the confidence of twelve morons.

Let’s continue this argument later on when I’m alone in the shower and you’re not there to defend yourself

[Star Trek: The Next Generation)

Picard: Why are they firing at us?

Troi [an empath]: I sense hostility.

[Bath & Body Works]

Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
Clerk: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here.
Clerk: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen

this is a marine life reminder SHARK tails go side to side WHALE tails go up and down and WHALE SHARK tails go all diagonal like.

imagine being a tree. just imagine it. imagine the good times (wind gently blowing your leaves); imagine the tough times (wind roughly blowing your leaves). imagine the ok, so-so times (there’s no wind)

Me(being handcuffed): Oh, now it’s illegal to throw a house warming party?

Cop: For the last time, it’s called arson.

I just heard some kind of young person on the radio reviewing a song, referring to “that old retro sound from about 2005”, so, if anyone needs me, I’ll be screaming into a pillow until some blood comes out.

A comb is the ultimate parting gift.

you mean to tell me Cameron Diaz dated The Mask AND Shrek? mmmk someone’s got a type

If Goldilocks was part of the Marvel Universe, The Three Bears would be her porridgin story.

this coffee maker is handing out writing prompts for a choose-your-own-adventure vampire story

Always wanted to call people who don’t like astronomy “Galactos Intolerant”

The rain is starting to worry me. I’m afraid that because I have a beard that my friends will expect me to build an ark.

I discovered my knee feels better if I take stairs at an angle. But now every time I walk down I have to sing Puttin’ on the Ritz.