This day in history. 1881. A man in Großliebenthal Ukraine hit by an 8 kg stone deduced that it was a meteorite as his wife was out of town.
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Scientists: we want to put a chip inside your brain.
Me: [thinking about Doritos™] I’m one step ahead of you.
Never ask a girl “How are you single?”
BECAUSE THEY WILL SHOW YOU
Sorry I asked, “Is it friendly?” & tried to pet your baby.
No more Geoffreys #GeoffreyBoycott
Using gorilla glue on my next relationship
“What a brave fashion choice!” is the ninja of insults.
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
“Seize the day!”
No thank you. I will leave the day alone and hope it extends me the same courtesy.
El Chapo is a murderous Mexican drug lord. El Chapo Supreme is a murderous Mexican drug lord with sour cream, lettuce and tomato.
Let’s settle this like adults.
Rock, paper, scissors.
Wanna know what it looks like when a tired mother reaches her breaking point? I just tried to hypnotize my toddler to sleep. She seemed to like it. As soon as I was done she yelled “again”!
A horse, a penguin and a chimp walked into a bar and that’s when I realised I was drunk.
[operating room]
SURGEON: We’ve lost him
NURSE: Exact time of death?
GUY IN THE CORNER INSTALLING CABLE: Sometime between 2pm and 6pm
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m 4 people.
WHAT IF LIBRARIES HAD POSTED MEMES IN THE EIGHTIES: a thread
Explain it to me like I’m five then do it for me like I’m one hundred.
[Second day in prison]
ME: *looking up from my signup sheet disappointedly* Guys you know I can’t play quidditch by myself
Anteater Kid: What’s for dinner?
Anteater Mom: Don’t be a smart ass, Brandon.
In six days god created heaven and earth. On the seventh day, in the interests of balance, the bbc interviewed satan.
A pack of coyotes shrieking outside your house at 11:59 PM is slightly less unsettling if you imagine one of them just won a new car.
This cashier just held my five dollar bill up to the light in case you’re wondering how I do with first impressions.
Jehovah’s Witnesses tell the worst knock knock jokes.
I take back every tweet I’ve ever written bashing autocorrect. Tonight my husband brought home beers instead of beets and I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
Drive thru window one: “Can I have a name for your order?”
Me: “Free.”
Drive thru window two: “I have an order for Free.”
Me: “Thanks!”
*drives away quickly*
Told my kids I loved them at carpool and no one responded so I yelled, “I love you too!” while hanging out of the sunroof.
Me, 1
Kids, 0
Why are people still calling my phone I thought we covered this at orientation…
9yo: “Mom, I’m so nervous to go out in public…”
Me, mentally stretching as I prepare for a convo about gun violence, racism, stranger danger…
9yo: “I just keep thinking that a bird might think my hair is french fries and swoop and grab it.”
The 4 stage of life:
1. You believe in Santa Claus
2. You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3. You are Santa Clause
4. You look like Santa Claus
I just got lied to by 3557 people. That recipe was awful.
Dear diary,
Today I learned drinking electrolytes does not give you electrical powers. must now find other ways to become a super villainess