Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Would I miss my leg or my arm more?

(me, lying in bed, deciding which to put outside the blanket for the monster under the bed to rip off)

Imagine my dismay when I found out she wasn’t joking about owning a lie detector machine

Whoever invented the envelope was cooking. Need more office supplies I can lick

Karma Chameleon is my favorite song about lizards getting what’s coming to them

Natural selection at its finest

Never ask a shepherd how many sheep he owns, I don’t think he’d know, he probably falls asleep every time he takes inventory.

I would never get a minivan because I can’t even think of 7 people I’d want to be stuck in a vehicle with.

Jumped over a puddle with an accidentally flamboyant step today, if anyone’s currently casting a production of “West Side Story.”

Back-to-school tip for parents: while not explicitly forbidden, it is frowned upon to spray champagne on the hood of a departing school bus.

A Post-It note on every wine bottle at home that just says DON’T CUT YOUR HAIR AGAIN THAT WAS BAD

“We’re taking it to another level.”

-escalators

I need a personal trainer to be in charge of how I exercise because I’m in charge of how I eat and look how that turned out.

Read someone say, “just had a Starbucks lemon water with sugar Yumm!”

I never claimed to have an IQ higher than the temperature inside a refrigerator but I believe that’s called lemonade..

Therapist: You saw the red flags though. right?

Me: I thought it was a carnival

*Infrastructure naming conference *

Crab : Let’s name it it the sidewalk

Other animals :Why should we do that we literally walk straight?

Crab:

Other animals :

Crab:

Other animals:

Crab :

Other animals :Okay we get it

It’s cool, I don’t know why I’m still talking either.

Gemini: Please stop touching the Amulet of Unceasing Regret. It’s not a toy.

Married With Children is a hilarious sitcom until you’re 35 and realise it’s a chilling documentary.

I’ve said some things, and if I could take them back I would, but if it’s not too late, I’d like my sub toasted

Koala bears can sleep up to 20 hours a day, which means they’re only a few hours short of having a perfect day.

Body: We need to sleep

Brain: Do fish have any concept of rain?

Stomach: LET’S MAKE NACHOS

A smart car easily passes my Jeep on a hill. “Hey, that’s not right” yells a jogger, who also easily passes my Jeep on a hill.

“I left my carrot cake from the restaurant in the Uber” and other sad tales of city living.

Based Erika

Oh kids, don’t worry, stories of ghosts and dragons and zombies are all just made up; nobody should actually believe that stuff.

Now go get your shoes on, we’re going to be late for church.

Remember when the Backstreet Boys sang ‘Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely’ and then we all showed them for the rest of their lives?

I eat too much candy. I know this because my dentist plans his annual trip to Hawaii after my appointments.

My hair is 100% organic, but it has been tested on animals. Portions may have been used to drape over cats’ heads to make little wigs.

*trying to remember something*

brain: put your hands on hips