Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I have my binoculars ready for the upcoming solar eclipse. This is going to be amazing.

All squirrels fly when you own a T-shirt cannon.

You: Cute kid. What’s his name?

Me: Kenwood.

You:

Me: I’m really into stereotypes.

me: I had my first crush on a girl when I was in the first grade.

my 7yo: wow that was a long time ago do you think she’s still alive?

ok aliens show up tomorrow and you have to choose one person and the aliens will watch that person’s entire life back (they have the technology don’t worry about it) before deciding whether to spare humanity or not. who are you picking

My teen said she wants to go to the mall with me so we can spend time together, and then the credit cards in my purse laughed and laughed.

DR. FRANKENSTEIN: I’m just saying, it’s a very misleading flyer

BODY BUILDING COMPETITION JUDGE: again, we can only apologise

Mowed the lawn yesterday with my shirt off and this morning there were 50 shirts left on my porch with a sign that said, “Please wear.”

I always carry a knife with me in case my mugger is made of cake.

Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emergency

Dinosaur: A FIREBALL IN THE SKY IS FLYIN AT US

Dinosaur 911: is it the sun

Dinosaur: haha probably. bye

I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.

Q: My daughter will not eat fish, what can I replace it with?

A: A cat. Cats love fish.

If Stephen King wrote Mean Girls: yeah so first we need more pig’s blood in this scene.

me: salt rim please.
barista: what.

My toddler has just learned how to say her brother’s name. So now she keeps repeating his name over and over, which is driving him absolutely crazy. I have to admit that I’m kinda enjoying it though. Better him than me!

I’m dreaming of getting rich like my father.

Wow your dad must be a rich man.

No, he too is dreaming of getting rich.

ME: what’s wrong with my dog
VET: he appears perfectly healthy
ME: i give him a stick and he just stares at it
VET: …
ME: even if I go long, he refuses to throw it

ㅤ

Wife: You won’t believe this…
Me: *steadies eyes*
Wife: So you know Frank my co-worker from accounting…
Me: *narrows eyes*
Wife: …well he asked about my marriage…
Me: *squints*
Wife: He was flirting…
Me: *eyes close completely*
Wife: Now don’t get mad
Me: *snoring*

[playing guitar in hotel lounge]

Me: *puts out cigarette* Any more requests out there tonight?

Front desk: Yes. Would you please get out of the lobby?

I pick up every feather that I see on the floor.

Interviewer: that’s a weird strength.

Fried potatoes
Mashed potatoes
Baked potatoes
Twice baked potatoes
Potato chips

-if Bubba grew up on a potato farm instead of a shrimp boat

The first sign of a serial killer is when a kid draws a Sun but it’s not wearing sunglasses

Me: One time I ended up in the changing rooms at a football match in London and caught a glimpse of a naked footballer

Friend: Arsenal?

Me: No, just the front

I’d go for a jog but it’s too [insert current weather].

Currently looking for a Thanksgiving outfit that camouflages me as my mother’s wallpaper…something where I don’t have to pass the peas or her passive aggression.

Please sign my online petition to get Netflix to change “are you still watching” to “looking good nice pajamas”

So, I’m officially off the market. Got a DM from a faceless Avi proposing marriage in broken English. We’re planning a June wedding!

I stopped smoking cigarettes six years go.

I eat them now.

Once again the nurse sighs and writes “patient refused to step on scale” into my medical chart.