Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Every time my phone rings

If you’re feeling too good about yourself, go ask a 5 yr old to guess your age. That should even things out.

When did science get a monopoly on donated corpses? What if I want to donate my body to literature? Theater? Philosophy?

A mom just told her kids the park is closing so they would leave without throwing fits.

Another mom overheard and said, “Uh-oh, the park is closing! Gotta go!

So I said, “Everyone’s leaving! Let’s follow them out!”

We all winked at each other and got in our cars.

Teamwork.

Possible Fact: If you suffer with freezing cold hands, you are contractually obliged to test their temperature by putting them on people.

AT&T literally grounded someone of you with loss of telephone privileges.

If my mother only knew the things I say on Twitter………. I’d be sitting in the corner with a bar of soap in my mouth and grounded.

waiter: how was your roast duck sir

me: fine, i’ll take the bill now

waiter: sorry sir but we don’t serve that part

me: no no, i need to pay

waiter: your hair looks fine to me sir

If the government keeps doing nothing for much longer, it will get its own reality show on E!

I don’t know where this squirrel’s husband is but he’s in deep shit

When french fries are part of your drive thru order are they completely gone by the time you get home or do you have self discipline and self respect?

i’m not “wearing a costume” that would be childish and silly. i’m wearing a disguise

Wife: I don’t think those fireworks look safe to use-

Me: [lighting fireworks] who you think I’m gonna believe? You, or Six-Fingered Pete?

People who say ‘be careful what you wish for’ have obviously never wished for free, unprotected, unlimited wifi from their neighbor.

Sometimes I’m out in public and I have to look down real quick to make sure I remembered to put on pants.

My shower head has 2 settings; remove top layer of skin, or wash away sins.

Date: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
Me: *now crying*
Date: there you are

“My phone’s about to die.” -Me, 30 seconds into every phone call ….

Not sure who needs to hear this, but a group of porcupines is called a prickle.

I don’t worry about my ex husband stealing my identity because he never even remembered my birthday

My 3 year old isn’t talking to me because I followed him home from the park

I would watch a reality show that’s nothing but goth kids trying not to smile while riding on a jet ski.

me to wife: the mailman refuses to deliver mail here anymore
me three days ago: I should build replicas of all the traps in home alone

*Mother driving me to an appt in the city as I clutch the passenger seat, white knuckled, terrified
Me: You drive like an old lady!
Her: That’s not very nice.
*swerves to avoid oncoming vegetable truck
Me: WE ARE GOING TO DIE
Her: Good thing I’m already an old lady.

Covid has totally eradicated the handshake. And also the joy I used to get from shaking someone’s hand, apologising that mine is covered in sweat and then reassuring them that it’s not my own sweat

My dog does this thing where it thunders and suddenly I’m wearing a dog hat.

The cashier probably looked at me funny for buying 4 gallons of ice cream because she didn’t realize I was planning ahead for two entire weeks.

I love the smell of cut grass and the sound of unknown footsteps in my attic.

Parenting is panicking when your kids are loud, and panicking when they’re quiet

“Rapunzel! Let down your hair!”

RAPUNZEL: Hey hair, ya wanna go get ice cream?

HAIR: Yeah!

RAPUNZEL: Well too bad. Because we’re not.