This day in history. 1887. A farmer in Montana claimed he found a 15 inch long snowflake and his wife said that means it was about 3 inches.
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RELATIONSHIP STATUS:
Houston, we have a problem
Houston: new phone who dis
me when my friends ask me to look after their kids
*I open the curtains with a smile, enjoying the gentle breeze on my naked body*
ME: Good morning, world!
CURTAIN STORE MANAGER: Call the police, Karen… He’s back.
What idiot called it Oktoberfest instead of Octo-Bar?
My what?
When my Uncle died the obituary said that he ‘passed away in the warmth of his own home.’
It was a house fire.
Cat toys that look like actual mice are going to be the reason for my heart attack
Caveman: I have discovered fire
Village: yayyyyy
Caveman: it’s burning all our stuff
Village: booooo
The First Step in AAA is admitting your car has a problem.
[phone rings]
“We’ve removed your son’s missing picture from our milk cartons.”
“You found him?”
“No, people stopped buying milk.”
*driving to the store*Lemons, lemons
*inside the store* Lemons, Lemons
*comes homes*
wife:Did you get the apples?
*drives back to the store*
Tabasco is pretty much the worst hot sauce widely available but when you need Tabasco specifically nothing else will do
If my kids & cat ever get abducted, I would have to admit to the police that I have a thousand recent pics of my cat, but, like, a school photo from last year of my kids.
[November 2030]
*at the ocean*
“don’t forget your oil block, 800 spf sunblock and your radiation suits”
Kids: This fish has three heads
at the mcdonald’s self order kiosk selecting my order from behind my back like a guitar solo everyone is cheering someone just threw their bra
“OMG! We broke up years ago. Which was, like, 100% your choice. And I’m still the first thing you talk about. To. Like. Everyone.”
— Gluten
I’m not surprised I woke up with a mannequin after too much to drink. I am surprised though that I used a condom
hardest part of beekeeping is thinking of all the names
Irony ~ giving my daughter a set of my old encyclopedias and she Googles “What’s an encyclopedia?”
4: mom can I sing just a short song?
me: yes
4: ok its only just three hours long I promise
narrator: it was in fact, only just three hours long
Do regular dogs see poilce dogs and think “oh shit it’s the cops let’s run.”
Benoit Blanc: So this baloney of yours, does it have a first name? Could you be so kind as to spell it?
Twitter reminds me of what my grandpa always used to say, ‘Who are you people and what are you all jabbering about anyway?’
Before the invention of the hose, firefighters had to put fires out with their fists.
old folks get really mad when you’ve never seen their favorite movies like sorry gramps i dont get the hype for topped gun or casa de blanca
Being married to me:
Pros: you’re married
Cons: to me
[wearing a ‘World’s Greatest Dad’ t-shirt while talking to the bartender]
“The younger one is about 8 and the older one is older than 8.”