Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[wife explaining to me how deaths in movies work]
So the actors really don’t die?
“No”
So is Abraham Lincoln really not dead?
*she sighs*

A sleeve of Oreos each night will whiten your teeth. Everyone knows this

shout out to my student loans for being the only one from college keeping in touch

ceo: our customers are demanding ziploc seals for all of our bagged foods

product engineer: ok do you want me to make them easy to open

ceo: lol no

Weirdly Wednesday.

Objects in the mirror may appear like you’ve been depressed and have eaten a lot the last 3 years.

3: Who’s that on your shirt?

Me: Yoda, from Star Wars.

3: I don’t like him.

Me: YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

*Takes leash off feral dad*

Me: Go on, boy. Get outta here.

*Feral dad barbecues on my new shoes*

BAD DAD! BAD!

I’m starving and all I have is a refrigerator full of health food. I hate who I was four days ago.

families in horror movies buying houses: hey let’s get the haunted af one

AVATAR
AVA2R
3VATAR
AV4TAR
AVATAR (the V means 5)

Me: I’d like to withdraw some daylight from my savings please

Bank: sorry no

Me: look I’ve been inside for 8 weeks now, there must be *something* in there

Bank: ok thats not really how this works

Me: omg this is daylight robbery

There are 2 types of people in this world: those that can parallel park on the 1st try and those that don’t think they are better than everyone else.

What doesn’t kill you probably tried, saw your tweets, and felt bad for you

Sure I’ll join your Cause on Facebook…Right after I jump out of an airplane without a parachute…

I almost hit a deer tonight. But then he took back what he said about my mom and we hugged it out.

Back to having zero haters, feels good.

I respect women so much I don’t even talk to them

My mom always said carry a jar of pickles in the store when pregnant and throw it on the ground as a decoy if your water should break, but now that I’m old I carry one in case I pee my pants.

live long and prosper!

breakfast: black coffee, overnight oats with sunflower & pumpkin seeds

lunch: lentil soup with carrots and onions, zero calorie vitamin water

dinner: 11 beers, net of babybel cheeses and cigarettes also

why do men take selfies like they’re being held hostage & can only communicate through their eyes that something terrible is happening

Me: *pointing gun at husband*

Husband: are you kidding?? he’s obviously the fake

Obvious Evil Clone: *stroking hideous goatee*

Me: but he does all of the laundry

Husband: oh no

Me: *needs to renew my vehicle registration*

DMV: Yes, we will need your license, registration, proof of insurance, passport, paper straw wrapper, VHS copy of The Sixth Sense, Princess Dianna Beanie Baby and for you to hit the high note in “I Will Always Love You.”

doctor: your wife’s gone into labor
husband: oh no, I hate unions

I figured out how to eat rice cakes. You have to frost them and then dip them into marshmallow fluff. Diet food isn’t so bad.

I think it’s finally time for me to get those ice cubes I’ve been saving under the refrigerator.

[before tattoos were invented]

ME: I can’t believe I have to draw a skull on my arm every day

me: is there anything i can say to stop you from leaving
wife: no
me: no

[hamster construction site]
“Colin, you seen Dave?”
I left him manning the concrete mixer
“Oh no”
[cut to Dave having the time of his life]

Whoever designated mini cupcakes as “two-bite” has greatly underestimated my #cupcake eating abilities.