This day in history. 1914. The first WWI trenches were dug if you don’t count the one my grandfather was already hiding from the officers in
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I can’t believe the atomic bomb was dropped from a plane. How the hell did that get through airport security
are we supposed to just accept that gingerbread men live in houses built from the flesh of their fellow men
This guy blowing through stop signs to get to church on time must be pious as hell.
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: treat her like she’s the only one in the room
{ later at party }
man: does anyone know cpr?! this woman is DYING
me: [steps over them] hello, beautiful
2000: I don’t want no scrubs
2020: I’m actually gonna need all those scrubs.
An apple a day keeps my fruit-picking business trapped in bankruptcy.
The average person swallows 8 spiders in their sleep but it’s actually one guy who’s chowing down like 7500 a night to make the numbers work
my therapist: you aren’t the problem, everyone else is
me: oh wow, i’ve fooled you too
10 WARNING SIGNS THAT YOU’RE CURRENTLY READING A LIST
Holy shit a street psychic just stopped me & said I’m a special person who cares deeply about some things & I’m freaking ’cause that’s SO me
Them: you look great, have you been losing weight?
Me: idk I haven’t weighed myself in months but I have been eating croissants for breakfast every morning so maybe I just look happier
After watching Honey Boo Boo, I realize America has much bigger problems than the national debt.
if dolly were in the holy bible she’d be in charge of parton the red seas.
I, for one, like it when blackberry seeds get stuck in my teeth at breakfast. Gives me little mouth missions to accomplish throughout the day.
On a scale of 1 – 10 where 10 is being up on technology and 1 is washing clothes by beating them on a rock, I’m about a 5.
Plastic bags are polluting our oceans so I always return mine to the forest
Wife: I’m growing some vegetables.
Me: What if the pig eats them?
Wife: Then I’m growing porkchops.
Human Resources just came up with a cool new term for just about everything I like to do at work. They call it “inappropriate”
Let’s get married & have kids so instead of trying a pumpkin beer you can stop the crying while I go back into the corn maze to find the shoe.
Me: *nudges wife* Hey, are you sleeping?
Wife: *pumps shotgun*
[First day as an exterminator]
Me: *pointing to giant, dead mouse on floor* He won’t be bothering you anymore.
Chuck E. Cheese Manager: OH MY GOD
Pro Tip : Don’t shout at a mate going through airport security “You are the bomb dude, you are the bomb !!”
Dear people up north: Your weather is down here drunk in my front yard. Please come get it.
I’m serious. You’re the worst species I ever created, and I made 3,500 different cockroaches.
Mommy, what are these?
“Put them back they are sleeping pills!”
Oh, then you shouldn’t yell
“Why?”
[whispering] YOU’LL WAKE THEM UP
Accountant: So you didn’t have traditional income most of the year but your investments and holdings still earned you $9,000,000
Papa John:
Accountant: 831,000 pizzas. You’ll owe about $2,800,000 in taxes
Papa John: And that’s…
Accountant: *sighs* 258,000 pizzas
Oh you thought I sent you that red balloon emoji 🎈 as a happy birthday message?
No.
I meant that I hope a freaky clown tries to kill you.
Pretending I’m eating a salad by putting some lettuce in a bowl of candied walnuts.