Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

STOP PUTTING DIARRHOEA MEDICATION ON THE BOTTOM SHELF

Once nice thing about working from home? I can be asleep in bed, realize I have a meeting in three minutes, and be dressed and in front of my computer two and a half minutes later. Still drunk, mind you, but dressed.

You slid into my DM’s and now you mean to tell me you’re not gonna divorce your wife, uproot your life and leave your family FOR ME!? HOW DARE!

Wife: How was work?

Me: Funny story. I emerged from a different cubicle in the men’s room to the one I thought I’d gone into

W: I despise you

Brit 1:
“They’ve… just stepped away from their desk for a minute, can I take a message?”

Translation: They’re staring straight at me.

Brit 2:
“Yes, when they get back can you let them know I’ve called?”

Translation: I know they’re still at their desk.

I can’t wait to jump on my kids’ beds at 5am on Mother’s Day, and holler “WHAT DID YOU GET ME?!?”

Penelope wasn’t really GREAT at hide and seek, but we always appreciated her efforts

[trampoline park]

me: *needing to come back down every time i go up*

Sir Isaac Newton: holy shit

One normal thing I like to do on my my lunch breaks is go on Zillow with my 20 million dollar budget and my f***ing delusions

Never get drunk with someone who has rented a chainsaw or a wood chipper.

Yes, auto-correct, I wanted to wish my friend a happy 4th of Judy.

I think sometimes we as humans ask too much of spandex.

I wish I had enough talent as a dancer to disappoint my family by becoming a dancer

Whoever can shoo the lizard out is the alpha in your house

I’m not saying my life lacks excitement, but I did linger in the room my 6yo was playing in just to watch Barbie breakup with a horse.

The best revenge is living well unless you have a crossbow.

[arguing with my wife]

WELL AT LEAST I DON’T BRING UP THINGS FROM THE PAST LIKE YOU DID LAST MONTH

Please stop adding touchscreens to cars most of these idiots can barely drive as it is

me: i think i got bit by a daddy long leg

her: your legs do look longer

me: oh no

her: i’m joking

me: hi joking i’m—OH NO

Slugs keep eating my plants so I’ve moved them into the house. If we’re living together they might have second thoughts about eating my plants.

Me: Thanks
Cashier: No, thank YOU
Me: …if this is a thank you-off, you better buckle the hell up

Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help

Me: I went to the park today

Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that

Me *opens coat* this duck

*brings a rubber band to a lobster fight*

Jane Fonda as bottles of hand wash.

A thread.

Scar: Now that I’m king, we have new rules. First, if you get sick, don’t take medicine. Just die and let the hyenas eat you. Secondly, no more elections. I’ll let you know if I’m still king. And lastly, if anyone accuses me of something, they should be thrown into a stampede.

Pretty funny that turtles are always in uniform. It’s like lighten up, turtles. The war is over.

I made a mix tape for a girl in the 90’s & she responded by giving me a blank cassette titled “What I Like About You”.

philosophy professor: you must question everything

[later]

me: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have you been doing all day, you piece of shit

Facebook: You have more friends on Facebook than you think. Me: You have higher expectations than you think.

Do we want 2020 to turn 21 and be able to drink?