Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Can’t I’m too busy trying to decide if my sunglasses are crooked or if it’s just my face

My tupperware bowl just reminded me that I had spaghetti in 1999.

Me: Sometimes I eat even tho I’m not hungry

Doctor: You need to listen to your body

My Body: *mouth full of donuts* WE SHOULD GET MORE OF THESE LOL

me: this edible ain’t shit
me twenty minutes later: googling how to remove a curse

Goldfish 911: What’s ur emergency?

Goldfish: I forgot

Goldfish 911: Forgot what?

Goldfish: WHO IS THIS?

Goldfish 911: I DON’T KNOW

With prices going up and wages staying the same, I want to share some important information with you all. I know a place where you can still get gas for under $4

Taco Bell

It’s been a couple of weeks, and the new neighbours have not yet mentioned the inflatable dinosaur in my window.

Jesus has returned! He’s in my DMs asking for Amazon gift cards and has terrible grammar. But it’s TOTALLY him.

I found a body in the trunk of my car today, which is disturbing because I remember leaving 2 in there..

me: i wish i could have sex before i die

genie: granted

me: [873 years old] motherfu

My neighbor was complaining about my cat pooping in her flower bed but I didn’t have the heart to tell her it’s actually my kids.

If you tell me to pick a side, I’m always going to choose potato salad.

her: why do you keep your eyes open when you kiss me?

me: bears

i once had a doctor named doctor. dr. doctor. doc doc, for short. who i introduced to my ball-player friend, richard michael gossage. “doc doc, goose,” i said. folks,,

Taught a man how to BUY fish. So much easier.

I should have used more oils to get this off easier..
I’m trying to jerk it off but it won’t come.
Honey, dinner is stuck to the pan.

Give a man a plane ticket and he’ll fly for a day.

Push a man out of a plane and he’ll fly for the rest of his life.

Stop fingering it and put it in your mouth is not the best choice of words when speaking to your teenager about her dinner..
I know this now

Giving someone a tour of a company I don’t work at and describing every single employee as “our lion tamer”

It’s almost 2020 and we still haven’t made a smoke detector that can tell the difference between an Indian cooking and an apartment on fire.

Strange things: the prequel

Stranger things

2 Stranger 2 Things

Strangest Threengs

Strangfour th4ngs

5tranger Thing5

Stranger Things 6: Tokyo Drift

When my boss asks me if I can “take a stab at this”, I always hope she’ll point to that coworker we all hate.

Once a guy came to our door with an educational book-selling MLM. He tried to get my husband by asking “do you even know why a flamingo is pink?” And I guess the guy hadn’t anticipated running into a man raised on zoboomafoo because he walked away defeated.

Edward Scissorhands: best 2 out of 3

Dwayne Johnson:

“This is mine”, he growled passionately into her ear. “Are we clear?”

Breathlessly, she agreed. She wouldn’t try to eat his nachos again.

Planning a wild goose chase if anyone wants anything

I get that the mirror in my therapist’s office is symbolic for self-reflection.

But why is it on the ceiling?
And why is his couch a water bed?

Fight Club, but instead of blowing up all the financial institutions, they reset all twitter follower counts back to zero.

I don’t want to open a can of worms in a china shop but mixed metaphors can be very effective and logical to boot. No bull.

my mom: curfew’s 9:00

me: please mom i’m in a gang now

my mom:

me: how about 9:15