Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

For somebody who ate their twin in utero I sure am a fussy eater

*6, wailing, carrying on*
Me: You can be a dramatic little bi…llion stars, strung together, shining brightly.
9, to his sister: That’s not at all what Mom wanted to say.

*replaces cream in doughnuts with mayo, tries not to laugh as Frank from accounting eats one…watches, waits, frowns as Frank goes for 2nd

“My eyes are up here,” I said as I clutched my burrito tighter.

*holding banana up to my ear as if it’s a phone*
haha, get it?? it looks like i am making a phonecall. but i’m n-*banana rings* oh crap

teacher: how long ago did the dinosaurs go extinct?

me: *extreme staind voice* it’s been awhile–

My daughter is too old for Disney channel movies so I obviously need another kid.

{After Eclipse}

Kid: Now can I stare at the sun?

If you’re going to gift a child a craft kit then you also have to do the craft with them. It’s the law.

I need to go shopping for a new outfit. Anyone know who sells sizes OMFG and WTF happened?

Skinny people are easier to get blown around by storms. These 4 donuts are for my safety.

I’m not saying that I haven’t incorporated math into my adult life. I’m just saying I could’ve dropped out after elementary school.

Call me cute and I’ll bite your kneecap.

Probably the worst thing about pyramid schemes is how they make you advertise to all your friends and family that you are part of a pyramid scheme.

*walks up with my full head of mongooses*

Medusa: Let’s rock.

If he:

-Changes his entire look for you
-Travels 1,900 miles upstream to chase you
-Procreates and dies
-Replenishes an entire ecosystem with his carcass

He’s not your valentine, he’s a Chinook salmon

if you’re venting to someone and they say “idk I see both sides” you’re wrong

Best vacation spots:
1. My Bed
2. My Couch
3. That corner spot at the bar
4. Air ducts at work

6yr old: *places dolls near me and lays a piece of paper down in front of each of us*

“We’re putting on The Little Mermaid with Ariel, Eric, Ursula, Sebastian And Flounder. Turn over your paper to find out your role.”

Me: *turns paper over, it says “a rock”*

I never set out to be the hottest woman in the nursing home yet here we are.

The worst part about having your death go viral is that you get kicked off the Queue for Taylor Swift tickets. #RIPJimmyFallon

not ‘nastiest’ but certainly one of the truest

Living with my 6-year-old is like living with a firing squad, only it’s questions instead of bullets.

I’m supposed to take an antibiotic one hour before or 2-3 hours after eating, and literally such a time does not exist

Customer: Do you guys have wings?

Me, working in a food truck: just the wheels.

“Baby, you know I’m drunk.”

Cop: “I need you step out of the vehicle.”

I often wondered what it’d be like to be married to an idiot.
I asked my wife and she said you get used to it after a while.

I’m so frustrated at work I’m thinking about eating my Doritos without washing my hands first… or after

Me: Powers out. I’ll eat all the food in the fridge so it doesn’t spoil
Wife: You just turned off the lights
Me: *3 tacos in my mouth* what?

Mother in law: How’d you get this turkey so juicy?

Me: I’m…

Wife: … no

Me: a…

Wife: … don’t

Me: *stares at wife* master baster!