Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

mom: you waste your money on stupid stuff

me: you’re right. btw how’s that panini press working out?

mom:

me: making a lot of paninis with that thing?

what is hip hop teaching our children? i caught my son listening to action bronson and now he’s in the kitchen making a prosciutto wrapped turkey roulade with pomegranate-port reduction

“I’m in the middle of an Adam Sandler movie” isn’t a good excuse to get out of anything.
I know this now.

Dr: How are your new pills working?
Me: I cry, eat & want to sleep a lot
Dr: Those are common side effects
Me: Oh. They’re working fine then

If I close my eyes while my 3 year old pours her cereal I can hear the relaxing sound of thousands of Cheerios raining on the floor.

He died in the bath trying to make a YouTube video entitled ‘Aqua-Toast’.

“tomorrow i’ll wake up early to do it”

me at 10am:

have a nail gun and some boards laying around? show him you love him by adding some attractive wood paneling to his car

The best sandwich I ever had was roast beef and brie at the Museum of Natural History cafe. It’s a memory that gets me through the tough sandwiches.

Will you marry me – Proposal
Will, You, Mary, Me -foursome request
Will, you marry me – Timetravler spoiling the future
Will you, Mary me – Cavewoman Introducing herself

Punctuation, it’s THAT important!

To the woman I overheard telling her friend that she “literally died”, I have so many questions.

This whole time I thought Ariana Grande was a font

I cleaned the cabinet windows and now you can see how untidy it is inside.

I used to wonder how anybody could possibly drop a cell phone in the toilet. Used to.

My boyfriend is not like other guys. He wants to date me

[Gets shot by mugger]

Girl walks by: omg are u ok?

I’m dying [sees she isn’t wearing a ring] I mean I’m fine but not as fine as you, sup?

A child in the playground did an impressive move on the monkey bars

Wow, that’s pretty good, I said.

My 7 year old, without batting an eyelid, and not even realising he has Twitter potential, turned to me and uttered the words…

“Hold my rice cake”

Today I will be hosting a book sale until the librarians notice

Sometimes I’ll order things online & pay for handling but not shipping. I don’t want the product; I just want them to move it around a bit.

[Paranormal Activity, 2007]
a one night stand, but make it spooky

[bedtime]

SON: Can you leave the light on?

ME: So it’ll be easier for the monsters to find you?

SON: What?

ME: What?

Went for a handshake and got snubbed. So I turned it into an impromptu Macarena dance, since I didn’t wanna look stupid

There’s nothing like new glasses to make you realize you should get new glasses more often than every five years. Like, ah yes, trees have leaves. Birds. I’d forgotten all about them.

TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS

*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick

[walking down the toilet paper aisle]

Spouse: Who’s talking? Who said that?

Me: Very funny, I get it. I need a tan.

My mom still hasn’t used the roomba I bought her two years ago for Christmas because, quote, “I don’t want it to judge our house.”

Funny how strangers who ask you to take a photo of them are always disappointed by your shots, as if they expect to find Yousuf Karsh leaving a 7-Eleven.

A t-shirt gun outfitted for Costco hotdogs.

Prisoner: You inked
Me: *thinking about my “I hate prisoners” back tattoo* No why

Suddenly all I own are skinny jeans.