Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Of course the five second rule is in effect, have you seen grocery prices?

gonna write a steamy vampire chicken novella, call it “stake & eggs”

I texted someone “hell yeah,” but autocorrect changed it to “hell year” because even our phones know.

Having someone sing you to sleep is so comforting.

Until you realize you live alone.

A monarchy is crowning a new king & later we’ll watch horses run in a circle for entertainment. Tonight I’m gonna party like it’s 1199.

Me: *sits still 90% of my day by choice* This is nice.

Also me: *stuck in traffic* You mean I just have to SIT here?!’

the first episode of house of the dragon focusses on the dragon applying for a mortgage

Just lean back in your chair and say “caloric”. It’s exhilerating.

Rich people go to parties. It’s what they do. And somehow we must all watch videos of it.

airline: you need to pay to check luggage.

passenger: ok i’ll carry it on then.

airline: wow so weird we’re low on overhead space now.

Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other

If you’re wearing sunglasses & it’s not at all sunny out, you can’t get offended when I grab your arm to guide you safely across the street.

Therapist: Do you have a support system?

Me: I have a lumbar pillow.

Therapist: No, I mean a family, friends?

Me: I have a lumbar pillow.

I only shave half my face in case that I get arrested so that they will have two different side profile pictures.

Trump is opting not to have celebrities at his inauguration in the same way that I opted not to take any cheerleaders to prom.

Harsh but fair

Wife: “Oh Honey, what would you do without me?”

Me: “realistically or in my fantasies?”

Me on my way to annoy my favorite person

Wife still out of town. I’m afraid if I order Dominos again they will call child services.

Always look both ways before crossing a woman.

am i anxious? yes. but is that going to stop me from doing things i love? also yes

Dogs will go through amazing effort to get a better view of your plate

Why do they call it shopping for new countertops and not taking me for granite send tweet

Camp Detective: [struggling to get out of a hammock] I suppose you’re all – ugh – I suppose you’re all wondering – mmmmph! Goddamit – why I called you here toda- no! Don’t help me I CAN DO IT

Maybe sunscreen is like ketchup to sharks

Thanks for sharing your moon with me on Instagram. We don’t have a moon where I live.

Sometimes I think we are capable of great things as a species, but then I notice how many people can’t put their shopping cart away.

Banderslack Clamberdorch

Man: “If I did not know about God and sin, would I go to hell?” Priest: “No, not if you did not know.” Man: “Then why did you tell me?”

12 decided he’s into vinyl, so he got a record player for Christmas. His new name is DJ TURNITDOWN!