Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Assorted bandaid box-
3 in a size you need
12 you can make work
35 round to weigh box down

*gets tax refund* *calls zoo*

Hello, how much to rent an otter for the day? Please say less than $47. Hello?

While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!

Two tips for faster jogging: hot guy in front of you and creepy dude behind

I bet jellyfish are sad that there are no peanut butter fish.

No YOU’VE been drinking.

Forget ‘a jury of my peers’ I want to be judged by a talking horse

There’s a special hole in my backyard for people to hit me in the back of the ankles with a shopping cart.

Logged into Facebook.

‘Happiness is like a butterfly….’

Logged out of Facebook.

Sometimes I wish camouflage were more effective so I wouldn’t have to see the people who wear it.

Nothing is more reliable than a sleeve sliding down your arm as you’re washing your hands

COACH: [to player with head injury]: What year is it?

PLAYER: 2020.

COACH: Correct. Who is the president?

PLAYER: I don’t know.

COACH: Also correct.

‘Two can play that game…’

-people who dont understand that’s how games usually work

A time machine. But just to go back and eat the donuts I once refused.

none of the animals i designed and invented are at the zoo. do they even check the suggestion box

Emma Stone is my girlfriend. Nobody tell her, though. I want it to be a surprise.

I feel so good when I drink enough water. Not like, physically. I just feel like I’m better than everyone else

There is actually a grim reaper for every species. The mantis reaper is the coolest and the scariest and she doesn’t even have to use a scythe.

Whenever someone talks to me, I freak out because I forget people can see me.

She says she only drinks wine to collect corks for her Pinterest project, which is pretty cool cause it looks like she’s building a castle.

[Guy on the Death Star who’s really sick of hearing Vader’s breathing but is too scared to say anything]: I’m going to put on some music

The roof of my mouth just healed from that Hot Pocket I had in 2003.

Sorry, but Spotify sounds like the opposite of a stain remover and why would I want it?

Most women need a little reassurance.

Like when she says “oh, you want to see crazy?” Reassure her that you do not.

Ice cream cones are for when you would rather eat the bowl than wash it.

I wear lipstick when I go into Walmart so people know I’m not approachable or one of their kind

I’ve just ordered some of those packaging air pockets from Amazon and can’t wait to see what they’re delivered in.

ME: sure, but how often do you come across a good peephole?

HER: I asked if you were a “people” person

ME: ohhh…definitely not