This day in history. 1940. Carbon-14 was discovered, allowing us to estimate the age of organic materials such as wood, leather, and Cher.
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Terminator: [arriving in 2024, current timeline] yikes, send me back
if the plane can’t go to the gate, that has nothing to do with me. We landed. I can get out and walk
Living check to check is fine til you go from “Think I’ll treat myself to a $7 latte” to “Which kid do I sell to pay for these car repairs.”
I can’t wait for the next Oscars dead-person montage when all the celebs Joan Rivers insulted have to applaud her.
I have a riddle about lice but it’s a real head scratcher
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
Popeye teaches us that the best reason to eat healthy is revenge. #CartoonLifeLessons
I did it! I found the worst thing on the internet. A combination of so much awful.
If two wrongs don’t make a right, I might as well try for three.
me: hey man you ready to go?
goku: hold on I gotta charge my phone
me:
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: almost done?
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: son of a-
[On the next episode of…]
An ambulance just went down my road. Within seconds I went running outside to see where it stopped. I have become my parents.
I don’t understand why you guys complain about never being able to finish a tube of chapstick, it usually only takes me 2 or 3 bites.
Him: “You’re not like other girls”
My anxiety and insecurity: “Told ya”
HR: “You’ve put Kurt Russell down as an emergency contact.”
Me: “Yeah, I’d like to meet him before I die. Dude is a legend.”
Him: These candles are so romantic!
Me: They’re necessary for my human sacrifice ritual.
Just watched Home Alone 4 with my kids. The writers should be sentenced to a semester of Physics 101 at a community college.
Me: The house is clean!
Kid: Hold my juice box!
Old stoners don’t die. They blow this joint.
You can never be accused of overstaying your welcome, if you don’t go anywhere.
Statisticly 6 out of 7 dwarfs arent happy…
*kicks door down*
*realizes its the wrong house*
*leaves*
*comes back with tool bag*
*fixes door*
*apologizes*
Picture a travel softball team doing a TikTok dance in a public restroom.
Now picture me stuck in the stall because they have to re-record 12 times to get it “post-worthy.”
Can you guess where I’m tweeting from?
[reviewing security cam footage to see what’s eating out of my trash at night] mother of god it’s me
Me: You sprained your ankle, let’s bandage it up and ice it.
Husband:
*3 hours, one x-ray and $156 later*
Doctor: You sprained your ankle, let’s bandage it up and ice it.
I love when British people call it a “rubbish bin,” like my kitchen trash got a monocle
Them: Can you recommend a show for me?
Me: Captain Caveman?
Them: Maybe something more for adults?
Me:
Them: Sorry.
So who WERE Huey, Dewey and Louie’s parents, anyway? And why did they let them spend so much time with their insane, pantsless uncle?
It’s pretty stupid how tube socks come in a resealable bag as if I’m not going to eat them all in one sitting.
my 18-month old nieces may have gotten a shitton of candy for valentine’s day, but I got something better (a shitton of candy that I have the thumb-strength to open myself, without asking my mom)