Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Facebook sent me a notification….unfortunately, my meth lab on Farmville blew up.

At this stage of my life, “Good in Bed” means not snoring or stealing the covers.

You want me to pay attention to the details? The thing the devil is in?

Just as a wedding ring tells others you’re married,
the mysterious brown stain on my shirt and rogue booger in my hair says “I’m a mom”.

When I was much younger, my father giving me a sip of some Budweiser beer hoping to somehow sway me from drinking beer. All it did was teach me what beers to avoid.

I question the people that blow their nose in a tissue and then look to see what comes out.

Were they really expecting gold or something?

Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.

if I was kate middleton I would tweet “they got me” and then log off

*feeding 2 stray dogs spaghetti*
WTF KISS ALREADY

You are what you eat? Well… I’d rather be a donut than a salad.

girlfriend asks you to get wine: You’re getting laid

wife asks you to get wine: You’re getting yelled at

[talking to my guide dog]
this better be the hospital this time and not wimbledon again
[from a nearby speaker]
“FIFTEEN-LOVE”

The only equipped I am is ill.

Detective: Did your husband have any enemies, ma’am?
Wife: Well, the cat next door never really liked Jim, and that always seemed a bit odd.

“What’s that?”

A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in and I’m a little bit closer to freedom.

*puts in dollar* “WTH!?!”

After a pretty wild late night last night, I was awoken at 8am by my neighbor mowing his lawn.

At first I was going to confront him about it but then I thought, whatever. He can just mow around me.

“I just don’t understand why everyone is so worried about the quarantine weight gain. With proper diet, you can drop pounds in a few hours!”

*Gas station attendant nods*

“Anyway, I’ll take that sushi from last month, thanks”

I don’t know if this is a good idea.
Narrator: He knew, in fact, it was an awful idea.

I’ve worn bobby pins in my hair just in case I have to pick a lock and save the day. The only saving the day my bobby pins have done is clearing a clogged bong.

Margot Robbie has welcomed her first child, a boy, People reports.

Me: WOW. Look at those legs!
Her: Thank you.
M: They’d look great around my neck!
H: Hey!
M: Wish I’d brought my saw.
H: WHAT?!?
M: Nothing.

so I rewatched Top Gun and let me just say if some horny pilot ever follows my daughter into an officer’s club bathroom I hope she punches him in the face

eighth henchman to go after jackie chan: ok well he’s not going to kick EIGHT of us

Why couldn’t the pirates play cards?

The captain was standing on the deck.

#CardPlayingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes

Technically lava can kill coronavirus, but there’s a good reason why no-one is using it in the fight against the ongoing pandemic: nothing else would survive the encounter with molten rock either.

Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.

The local news says we can tell there’s been a power failure with their new app.

Call me old fashioned but the lack of lights tips me off.

[mysterious old lady flips tarot card revealing a dude who looks exactly like me flying a hot air balloon into power lines]
Me: is that good

[1st day as chef]
Waiter: table 3 want soufflé
Me [an hour later]: I can do toast, tell them they can have toast, it’s like bread but harder

My husband just said “Do I look stupid to you?” Is this a trick question because it really feels like a trick question.