Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[romantic walk]
Me: *turns to date* darling
Her: *gasps*
Me: *gets down on one knee* will you
Her: omg
Me: protest racial inequality with me

I may not believe in Santa, the Easter Bunny or the Great Pumpkin, but these mid-life stabbing pains all over my body have me convinced there are ninjas everywhere.

mike tyson’s full name is mike thank you son

If I post camping pics I’m being held against my will

My husband just asked me in the kindest voice if I wanted some water, and I said, “You know, I’d love some water?” And I turned around and he was carrying the dog’s water bowl to her….(Reader, he was not asking me if I wanted water.)

Why spend money on a paper shredder?

Do like I do and just leave important documents in your pockets and run them through the washer.

Roses are red
Let’s get some fresh air
Make love in the moonlight
Have a pregnancy scare

History: delete
Pics: delete
Texts: delete
Kik: delete
“Why yes, you can use my phone for a second.”

Smartphone owners are the bravest. They’re not afraid of anything not even death.
They can walk into any running truck without giving a damn

People who reply “LOL” but don’t retweet are like if a doctor shook a bottle of pills in your direction to treat your disease.

I have eaten
a roll
of toilet
paper

and cut open
all of
my kitchen
appliances

forgive me
I really thought
they were
cakes

Parents. Top tip for getting to school on time. Go without them.

boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go
me: you’re cancelling me?
boss: I mean, we’re firing you??
me: wow… so this is what cancel culture feels like on the other side
boss: you stabbed Gary in the parking lot after his shift

Saw a used kettle I liked on eBay. It said “needs filter”, but I thought the picture of it was fine as is.

Best Mother’s Day ever started with my 2.5yo sleeping in till 7:30am and falling asleep at 5:30pm!

According to the Internet:

Xbox One
– $500.
– Weaker hardware.
– Mandatory daily check-in.
– Requires Kinect.
– DRM.

PS4
– Cures cancer.

there are two types of people in the world, those who have to go to Walmart, and those who get to go to Walmart.

Being attacked by a shark is frightening enough…

But it’s even more terrifying when you notice he also has a big cold sore on his lip.

Accidentally ruined my 9yo’s entire life because I said “toilet” too loud in a public place.

What knobhead puts a shower opposite a mirror?

Totally unrelated, I’m starting a diet tomorrow.

[spelling bee]

judge: your word is problematic

me: then maybe give me a different word

don’t do it sharon, it’s a trap

If you’re not careful with those, you’ll shoot your eye out.

*points to Spanx*

Friend: The year is almost over. What have you accomplished?

Me: I don’t like your tone.

Me: don’t do it

Brain: GONNA DO IT

Me: I’m driving

Brain: HERE IT COMES

Me: there’s oncoming traffic

Brain: REALLY WELLING UP NOW

Me: you’re going to kill us both

Brain: DO THE WEIRD FACE FIRST

Me: *pre sneeze face*

Brain: THIS AMUSES ME

Connor Sadzeck Connor Happyzeck

When the intruder towards Virat Kohli at Eden Gardens – VK couldn’t control his laugh seeing policeman’s reaction 😂

Magician: For my next trick—
Me: BRING BACK THE BUNNY, YOU MONSTER

I think the waitress may have been flirting with me until she saw the text size on my phone

Husband: wanna have a quickie?
Me: As opposed to what?