This day in history. 1950. The FBI put out its first 10 Most Wanted list and my dad lost a bet because only 2 of the guys were his brothers.
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guilty
Everyone wants to be a Viking until you set them out to sea on a boat that’s on fire.
People who are complaining of shoveling driveways, haven’t you heard of moving?
I like my wedding soup made with real bickering.
Years ago after much testing and pearl clenching, a library I worked for purchased chairs that were designed to discourage snoozing. Within 15 minutes of the day they arrived, someone fell asleep in one. Wish I had saved the photo.
Teens be like, “This is the worst day of my life” and it’s just they were told to unload the dishwasher.
ME: So it’s like a spank bank for your feelings?
THERAPIST: Most people just call it a journal, but sure
If I ever had a wedding I would give certain guests a “-1” where they get to pick another guest and disinvite them
When people ask “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” just reply with “Space” then silently stare at the sky until they leave.
Finishing up my time machine. Bolting down the flux capacitor now. I’ll start small and go back a couple of seconds just to see if it works.
I just want somebody to want me the way my dog wants a bite of my cheeseburger.
*sits*
This is nice.
*stands*
This is also pretty cool.
*lays down*
Oh okay this is my favorite.
Went for a handshake and got snubbed. So I turned it into an impromptu Macarena dance, since I didn’t wanna look stupid
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
In our wedding, I’ll invite his ex and be like “Still believe you can get him back?”
Good Flirts: I’m enjoying getting to know you and don’t want it to stop.
Better Flirts: I’m trying so hard not to kiss you right now.
Me Flirting: Did you know, according to NASA, 1993’s Jurassic Park is the 7th most scientifically accurate film ever made?
“Hey, we see that everything you’ve ever watched has been in English, may we suggest something in German?”
-Netflix.
Fight
[giving eulogy for friend i let borrow my jacket] ill tell you what i miss most
There’s no time like the present. Or later. Later on is pretty similar, actually.
PMS: You okay?
ME: Terrific.
PMS: I may have pushed too far this month.
ME: [in a bathtub full of chocolate pudding] No, we’re cool.
Romantic cop: Here, I brought you a flower.
Competitive about everything cop: Big deal. I brought you a flowest.
The UPS driver beat on my door so loudly that it sounded like the cops. Calm down, dude, it’s just my cat food.
ballet teacher: “The girls tell me you’re going to a country that doesn’t allow children?”
Yes. I’m in my parenting powermove liar liar pants on fire era.
INTERVIEWER: So…that’s it. Any questions for me?
ME: Do boxer dogs actually punch?
I: um no that’s not
ME: I bet they use a puppercut
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid acting like your doctor, is your doctor.
Hungarian Prime Minister says his country has the largest trade deficit in Europe proving you shouldn’t go shopping when you’re Hungary.
I spend an awful lot of time picking the most desirable potato chips out of the bag for someone who’s going to eat them all anyway.
Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was younger I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the tv channel.
Sorry I only date guys who are at least 6’ (away)