Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Nailed it! #Tekken #King #cosplay

What do you call a group of musical killer whales?

An orca-stra.

#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes

I used to care what my neighbours think but then I met them

Man you get spotted dumping one rolled-up tarp into a swamp and all anyone ever wants to talk about is your “cloud of suspicion”

Waking up a teen for school:

1st try: Time to wake up.
3rd try: Please get up.
10th try: GET UP NOW!

Teen: Why are you yelling?

OMINOUS CHANTING
*pentagram starts to glow*
YES! RISE DARK LORD! RISE!
*Satan tosses pillow through portal*
UNGH 5 MORE MINUTES!!!

How long do I need to wait after getting the vaccine before I can start wiping my boogers on strangers in public again?

Home improvement paradox: every time you paint the inside of your house it gets a tiny bit smaller but every time you paint the outside of your house it gets a tiny bit larger

i couldn’t do an interview from home i don’t have enough bookshelves to sit in front of

[1st Day working at Hotel California]
Guest: Id like 2 check out
Me: Sure! Youre all set!
G: Thanks! [Leaves]
Boss: Can I see u in my office

Before you reply to a tweet, take a deep breath.

Now hold it.

Hold it…

Hold it….

Hold it…

Keep holding it…

Die.

Everyone pointing out that it’s suspicious how many AI tools are free, it’s because building a tech company these days 100% revolves around giving people your product for free/at an extreme discount until they forget how to function without it, then closing the jaws of the trap

Don’t let fear stop you from living.
Zombies will take care of that.

i feel so bad i refunded him

Ok, I know pandemics are bad … but have you ever run out of tequila?

This is amazing.

My toddler and I went pretend grocery shopping. It was a pretend Whole Foods and now the little guy is pretend broke as shit.

At my parent’s house, or as I like to call it, the world’s most judgmental self-service laundromat.

It’s been a good 12 months for dogs

The boss accused me of taking a drink during lunch, but he is completely mistaken, I paid for all three of them.

If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.

Remember during the pandemic when we all put aside our differences, realized we were united under one common goal and, together, made the world’s most delicious cheeseburger?

Ok so all of our kids get excuse notes for school tomorrow whether in person or online right?

“I’m sorry I’m late, my parents were drinking stuff and yelling at the TV all night”

I deduct 5% gratuity for every extra spoon my Cheesecake Factory server puts on my plate, “In case I feel like sharing.”

[being chased by a murderer] can we slow down i’m not wearing a bra

My villain origin story is seeing the Twitter ad for the dog pooping toothpaste 1000 times in a day and finally snapping.

It’s like nobody in this McDonalds has seen a guy spreading marmalade on a Big Mac before.

😂

Nine months from now — when there’s a baby boom in Hawaii — you’ll know who took the incoming missile warning seriously.