Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If people winked in real life as much as they do on the Internet, the world would be about 542.67% creepier.

Fun fact: if you play Hotel California backwards, and slowed down 30bpm, there’s a fantastic hidden quiche recipe

Saw a unicorn using a phone booth and all I can think is, who is she calling?

Friends: Want to hang out this weekend?

Me: No, I have big plans this weekend.

My Plans:

I dropped my iPhone under the bed once so I get it, moms that lift cars off their babies, I get it.

My 7YO was coloring in her room on her desk, now I’m wiping off the paint from every part of the house

Don’t you find it weird when you go to high five someone and they interlock their fingers with yours and hold it together for a few seconds?

I know you do. That’s why I do it.

This made me laugh more than it should’ve 😭

I know a bunch of guys who are like Christian Grey but without the money and the handsomeness. They’re in jail.

No thanks spider hanging from my front door casing. I’ll go around back.

Why can’t I track the Grubhub driver AFTER he’s given me my food? What if I want to make sure he gets home okay

Get a ring camera so you can yell at your kids when they’re out front and freak them out.

My attempts to purge my possessions always seem to result in me rediscovering that I have lots of nice things, after which I lie happily on my hoard like a dragon

“fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u” – a goldfish 🙁

waiter: would u like a baked potato, mashed potatoes, or fries with that

me: yes

Green tea reduces weight*

*Only if you go and pick the leaves from the mountains yourself.

Scotch neat please

Umm…this is a Starbucks

*sigh

Ok a scotch “grande”

scientist: this machine erases your bad memories instantly. any volunteers?

me: i’ll give it a go

scientist: but you were just here yesterday

me: i’ve made some bad life choices since then

Silence is golden! Unless you have a toddler, then silence is very, very suspicious.

I just want what every middle-aged person wants: to remember what it was that I wanted

me: *coughs up mucus* JESUS

wife: quit blasphlegming

There’s a cat curled up on my pillow, and I’d probably be a lot more cool with that if I actually owned a cat.

Dr. House would’ve solved this covid shit in 20 minutes flat.

I spent tonight convincing my toddler that naps are different than sleep so even if she won’t go to sleep she can at least nap, what I’m saying is, don’t mess with moms, we got game

You’re not supposed to end a sentence with a preposition and two prepositions is even worse. I don’t remember what website I got that off of.

One of the most fastest seahorses was Landbiscuit

The circus serves as a great analogy for marriage. You’re either walking the tightrope or holding a chair because you told her to calm down.

Adoption Agency: it takes a village to raise a child

Hamlet: feels discriminatory but ok

GIRLS: if your boyfriend lives in a jar with a few pieces of grass, a leaf and a little twig. Congrats, you’re dating a bug.