Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My wife said she hides snacks from me so she can put them out when guests come over, in case you were wondering why I invited you here tonight.

Breaking up with random numbers is my new hobby.

I’m the person who requested weather reporters stand in the storms. I have no concept of wind or rain and love seeing needless suffering

[Christmas]
6:30—kids are excited
7:30—kids are playing
8:00—kids are fighting
9:00—kids are crying
9:15—wife is yelling
9:30—I am drinking

when my therapist asks how i’ve been the last two weeks

I would’ve gotten away with it too if it wasn’t for that group of sexually repressed potheads who kept talking to their great dane.

“if anyone has reason why this man and this woman should not be wed speak now or forever hold your peace”
*voice in back*
does he even lift?

In High School I was pretty popular with all the boys.
I was known as “Hey, will you ask your friend if she likes me?”

Zeus: And I will call it, “Pegasus”

Me: *Crossing out “Mareplane”* Oh yeah no that’s great

did you know you can cancel plans by simply saying “sorry. can’t. i have an avocado that’s ripe.” total legal. even if it’s not true.

MOST RESTAURANTS:

Waiter: “Have you dined with us before?”
You: “No.”
Waiter: “Oh! Well, (*proceeds to describe a normal restaurant*)”

When Miley Cyrus is naked and licks a hammer it’s “art” and “music” , but when I do it I’m “wasted” and “have to leave the Hardware Store”

I don’t know what’s a video game and what’s a movie anymore. I think I was trying to play a movie for a few hours last night.

Wife: You’re not using the instructions to build the bookcase?

Husband: Nope, I’m doing it entirely shelf-taught, haha

Wife: *eyes fixate on hammer*

I like that CNN is tweeting a picture of ebola bacteria. It will be handy in case I encounter it in the wild. With my microscope vision.

When taking your dog to the vet it’s very important to remember to put your dog in the car.

tired of age gap discourse. now let’s do vibes gap discourse, where one person in a couple lights up a room and the other is basically a sim

Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.

[pharmacy]

“I’d like a refill for this bottle of pills”

PHARMACIST: Would you like childproof?

“No thanks, I already believe in children”

When the instructions say so easy a child could do it, I assume you mean one of those genius 12-year-olds who double major at MIT.

I stepped away from Twitter for a few days, and now my entire house is decluttered, I’ve written a novel, I learned to speak a new language, and came close to finding out the true meaning of life.

i got sudden, inexplicable ear pain. my friend woke up with sudden, inexplicable eye pain. if any of you start having sudden, inexplicable mouth pain, lmk. i think we are supposed to be sold as a box set.

🙉🙈🙊

Me: It’s hard to stay mad at a guy who shows up with pizza instead of a lame bunch of flowers.

Domino’s Delivery: Listen lady I’ve only been late one time.

Bikini season is just around the corner, unfortunately so is Dairy Queen. 🙄

[furiously scribbles HE’S LYING on a piece of paper and pushes it across the table]

My Girlfriend: The waiter isn’t lying about the specials

My 8yo had his hair styled nicely this morning so I asked what he put in it to look so good……and he said it was oil from the pan I roasted broccoli in last night.

You really can’t make this stuff up.

“Listen to your body?” dude my body reflexively blows on yogurt just because I’m eating it with a spoon

I told my toddler grapes were choking hazards so now when she wants grapes she asks for “choking hazards” instead

Self awareness can be great but it likes to roast the shit out of you when you try to sleep

They should just call the news “guess who was an idiot today.”