Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There’s nothing I’ve learned from being a father that I couldn’t just as easily have figured out from setting all my money on fire.

Step 1: Buy a 3D printer.

Step 2: Print a 3D printer.

Step 3: Return the 3D printer.

My wife used to make meals that would make Martha Stewart jealous. Then she joined Twitter…

Now I’m lucky if she buys cereal.

Boss: Our toilet is fixed.
M: I can stop pooping at ur house.
B: You’re using the bathroom at my house?
M: There’s a bathroom at ur house?

the wife told me that we’re invited to a country themed party so I’m wearing this

My neighbour called out “cheer up” today so I asked if he was moving house

[Beautiful woman doing bench press at the gym]

HER: four… five… *struggling* a little help please

ME: six

Ever notice that adding “after hours” or “after dark” to anything makes it sexy?

Walmart after hours
Walmart after dark

Almost anything…

You can’t hurt me. You’re not a disappointing sandwich.

the way turkeys feel about november is probably how treadmills feel about january

When gearing up for a mountain climbing adventure it is important to remember to no.

6yo: “Mom, I’m excited that it’s my first eclipse, but I’m sad that it’s your last.” 💀

I implanted a voice-modulating chip in my neighbor’s chihuahua, so now, whenever he barks, it sounds like the sax riff from Careless Whispers. So soothing.

Mistakes married men make:

1. Doing things.

2. Not doing things.

3. Thinking about doing things.

4. Not thinking about doing things.

Me: Here you go.

Her: WTF?

Me: It’s the genital mold you wanted.

Her: I said gelatin mold!

Me: *waddles away with pants around ankles*

Son your teacher called, she said you wrote “AQUAMAN RULZ” all over your math test. [sigh] First of all, Aquaman doesnt have any good powers

Being a parent is great because you get to start conversations like:

Hey buddy, don’t leave your tooth on the coffee table.

[Kid Training Headquarters]

Kid Boss: When you get home, you must take off your shoes and throw them as far away from each other as possible
Kid Trainee: But shouldn’t we keep them togeth—
Kid Boss: SILENCE, FOOL! YOUR GOAL IS FOR THEM TO END UP IN SEPARATE ROOMS

If my kids knew there was a light in the oven, they’d leave that one on too.

(at a party)

them: truth or dare.

me: dare.

them: go home.

Dr: you have pneumonia
Hillary: what’s pneumonia
Me: *fighting off secret service* not much monia what’s pneu with you

Y’all ever rage clean your kids’ toys so hard that whoever goes to Goodwill next week is going to hit the Jackpot?

I can only please one person a day, and i already pleased myself this morning.. so y’all are screwed!

Son: Dad, can we have the talk on how babies are made?

Me: Haha no way! I do not want to know!

there are rumors. that someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would have lost my mind

Protip: Eclipse glasses are not cheap but if you wait until tomorrow you can get a really good deal on them.

Before I had kids I wasn’t a morning person but after parenting for years I can finally look at the beautiful sunrise every day and say, I’m still not

dislike seeing adult twins in public. feels like they’re going to ask me a riddle

ME: you know what they say, curiosity killed the cat
CAT: that’s awful why would they say that?
ME: really?
CAT: *dies*

In “Hit Me Baby (one more time)” when Britney Spears said “my loneliness, it’s killing me”, she was actually predicting the 2020 social distancing period. In this essay I will