This day in history. 1961. In Spain the fascist government of Generalissimo Francisco Franco declared equal rights for women and men. None.
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me at age 5: if I get a million dollars ill buy a yacht and 14 trampolines
me at age 25: if I get a million dollars ill go to the dentist and pay for express shipping on stuff
My toddler is going through his “MINE!” phase which also applies to me. My husband was giving me a hug and my toddler looked at us aghast, pointing and saying “No! NO! Mine!!” and it’s the first time in a while I’ve had two guys competing for my love
(after spending 15 minutes ripping a video off instagram and reposting it to twitter) who did this 😂😂😂😂😂
Why do football players only dance when good shit happens? Just once I wanna see a QB throw an interception & do a sad, interpretive dance.
Tried to pull up my sleeve and accidentally punched myself.
It’s okay, I’ve had it coming for some time now.
GUIDE: If you see a bear, just make yourself big
[Months later]
DOCTOR: You weigh 300 kilosME [mouthful of donuts] I saw a bear
Everyone thought you could get a writing job from twitter but that never happens anymore its only for things like becoming the president
Well well well, if isn’t the girl who gave me cooties in third grade…
My superpower is turning food and drink into larger pants.
Why do they call it a zoom meeting, and not a co-vid?
Life was so barbaric in the olden days. Imagine hitting snooze on a rooster.
HR: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: As your boss, so it would behoove you not to annoy me with this line of questioning.
My weight loss plan is going so disastrously I’m giving serious consideration to getting a cannibal involved.
HARRY JR: what do you see in the mirror of desire, papa
HARRY SR: well if i look closely i see you mowing the lawn this morning like i asked
“Your generation is having less kids” yeah we go to therapy to fix our relationships now
writer: I’m so good at beginnings but never can finish strong
writers wife: *under her breath* ain’t that the truth
My wife yelled out in the hallway, there’s a severe thunderstorm warning now …. I could barely hear her way back in this closet with my cat.
Been laughing about this for about 5 consecutive minutes
Don’t you hate it when you march into the depths of hell and then you can’t remember what you went in there for.
Two heads aren’t better than one if you’re both stupid.
them: the new Batman film will be totally raw and gritty
me:
Everyone in the gym on January 1st
genie: you have three wishes
me: end the pandemic
genie: [snaps fingers] done
me: get me a good job
genie: there’s too many gaps in your work history
me: i wish to own a home
genie: dude come on
At her bday brunch, Mom told the waitress last time she had a Bloody Mary at this place it was terrible. So the waitress said, “And it still will be”. So she had 3 glasses of champagne instead.
[meeting girlfriend at the park]
Her: Surprise! I made us a picnic!
Me: *unfolding emergency bib from wallet* Holy shit let’s do this.
“Dude, do you NOT know what a collar on the doorknob means?”
Damn girl clean ur room before u paint a selfie
If there’s no God, why are feet naturally shoe-shaped?